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Old Saturday, September 14, 2019
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Originally Posted by Mahnoor Iftekhar View Post

Thesis Statement:
" Personalization of Politics in Pakistan and its effects on the nation."

Concept of Personalization of politics
a) Disorted journey of democrarcy
b) Disrespect of Merit
c) Weak Political parties
d) Lack of democratic culture
e) Poverty
f) Illiteracy
g) Corruption
h) Lack of accountability
i) Involvement of criminal elements
j) Strong hold of feudalism
k) Military interference in Politics
L) Ineffectiveness of constitution

a) Bad governance
b) Leadership Vacuum
c) Martial laws
d) Lack of vision
e) Hurts national unity

a) Accountability
b) Spread of education
c) Effective election process
d) Improvement of election commission
e) Awareness through media
f)Strict implementation of political parties act
g) Involvement of youth in the politics

First, your thesis statement is not strong. Need to work on it. try to rephrase it.

Second, since you have mentioned "effects" in thesis statement, so your outline must emphasize that also. You have focused more on "reasons." Try to create balance in the outline. Add more "effects."

Third, "ineffectiveness of constitution" is a serious blow to the essay. Avoid such expressions. Bcz constitution is never ineffective, it is political parties/people who encroach upon constitutional rights.
3a and 3d are similar, ring any bells?

fourth, give numbers to the headings and sub-headings. make the outline more clear, for ex:
1. Intro.
2.concept of personalization...
3.Reasons for personalization...
and so on...

Fifth, some points in the reasons and solutions do not make sense to me. Try to make heading self-explanatory.

Sixth, overall it looked there is a lack of concept clarity. Try to read & research more about the topic.

P.S. If its your first attempt then surely its good attempt. Keep it up! Keep growing!
Hope it helps.
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