Well done Sehar!an excellent effort.One thing that i can assure u is that u r not going to fail in the essay paper provided u continue with exercise like this.So keep it up.
Now come to the critical appraisal of ur essay.Well,ur essay.on the whole,covers most of the areas of the topic except a few other points that could have been included.
Social Problems:1-Illiteracy 2-Feudalistic culture(Social as well as an economic problem) 3-Sectarianism and religious extremism 4-Population 5-Corruption 6-Identity Crisis(This is both social and political problem----Punjabis,Sindhis,Balochis and Pakhtuns are looking for their identity---people are not sure about their identity---divided into sects,ethnicity and diff.social classes----ideological divide is conspicuous;whether it is an Islamic State or a Secular state,do we need federalism or unitary form of govt.,some ppl argue over our cultural identity and so on and so on...)
Many of the points were present in ur essay but what i ve done is the prioritization of the issues according to their gravity and alarmness as i ve noticed.
In ur ''Remedies'' portion, in a paragraph,ur last sentence was ''To control terrorism,govt. needs to stop fighting the proxy war on behalf of USA.'' To me,it is a weak sentence since u r saying something very imp. and then not going to corroborate it with sound arguments.It doesnot leave a very good impression.It would have been better if in the very next para,u had chosen to delineate on the point.
But here i must acknowledge that u keep a very good expression and a striking style of writing an essay.keep it up.
With regards
ASAD