though you have made a good effort but i think it is still missing some good points and facts and figures, like

in causes.

waywardness from Islamic principles
Lust of wealth
Ineffective role of Judiciary
Rising inflation
Social pressure

in impact:

Violation of merit
Inferiority complex
Instability


in remedies:

handsome salaries
simplicity
severe punishment
Poverty alleviation



according to my point of view if you consider these things in your essay, your essay will be more effective and attractive.