I agree with Nida.
Just read the title of the essay and read it again.
"THE PROGRESS OF COUNTRY LIES IN THE HANDS OF YOUTH".
Why are you writing about problems of the youth and secondly from where did Pakistan came into scene. The examiner wanted you to write about two things : "The progress of country" and how can "youth" of any country can play its part in progress of its country.
Your intro was somewhat very direct and blunt.....though not incorrect.
check this out:

Man is the only creature on which Almighty bestowed the gift to prosper and develop. Neither angels nor brutes were given this ability. If one throws a cursory glance on the chronicles of mankind , one observes that whoever contributed to the development of mankind was trained and prepared to do that deed in his youth. After all it is the foundations which determine the rigidity and strength of the edifice to be built on them. Likewise, if youth of a nation is not prepared and groomed well in time , the nation is destined to doom .It is the youth that holds the reigns of any country and steers it either to stellar heights or an abysmal.
something like that..........
Corrections would be appreciated .