Although I am not a senior nor a very professional hand at Essay writing but here are some suggestions from my side.
it is a nice effort but you may consider improving structure of few sentence to make them more lucid and succinct, fore example:
"These all systems of governments have failed." keeping the context of your writing in mind i figure you wanted to say that "All these system of governance have failed." (by the way, what do you exactly mean by failed? )

The underpinnings of democracy are fair elections, voting right for everyone, and people can elect their representatives.

Actual democracy can only flourished if all of its characteristics are present at a time.

There are numerous hurdles in the way of democracy that made democracy as an illusion in Pakistan such as feudal system, geopolitical position, lack of fair elections, poor governance and absence of rule of law are some of them and these need immense measures to establish democracy with its substance. (would be nice if you cut this sentence short )

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Jab Apna Qafila Azm o Yaqen Se Niklay Ga
Janhan se Chahen Gay Rasta Wahin Se Nikle Ga