‘Tis the season to be merry’
Hit and run
By Shakir Husain
Monday,JUNE 11,2007
Millions of citizens across Pakistan are quivering like little puppies as they anticipate their most favourite time of the year — budget time. For those tens of thousands of tourists who are visiting Pakistan because of the Visit Pakistan 2007 campaign, budget time is when millions of ordinary Pakistanis rejoice as they know that a bag of tasty treats awaits them. Budget time for Pakistanis is like St Patrick’s Day for the Irish or Oktoberfest for the Germans, Mardi Gras for the citizens of New Orleans, or whatever day of festivities drunk Welshmen observe. This is the time of the year when the alchemists at the ministry of finance under the tutelage of the grand wizard of banking himself unveil the eight wonder of the world which will benefit the common man.
At the risk of sounding irreverent, I would like to clarify that while the millions of citizens of Pakistan await the federal budget with great excitement, it should in no way be equated to a circus. I believe after last year’s critique of the great budget bonanza performance, it has been rumoured that the Minister of State for Finance Omar Ayub Khan has decided to go for a makeover at a leading stylist and fashion guru — another sign of a responsive government. No doubt, Mr Khan will entertain millions of Pakistanis as he steps on to the podium to announce the thousands of sacrifices that the state machinery has no doubt made in order to present yet another populist budget for the people. Now that every Pakistani is earning a thousand dollars it is important for all of them to recognise who really made all this prosperity happen to begin with.
While the thousand-dollar crowd will be applauding the honourable person of the finance minister, it will be the million-dollar crowd which will really be partying hard on budget night. Rumour has it that the government is reviewing a very serious bill in the National Assembly which will declare the day after budget day a national holiday. According to press reports future generations of Pakistanis will have a Rs398 billion budget deficit which they will need to pay off in their lifetime — thank God we won’t be around when those poor sods need to pay for all the goodies we’re consuming today. I mean look at those poor, miserable, and repressed Japanese with all their savings? Is that a way to live? I hear sometimes their prime minister even takes the train — what a ridiculous man for not having a motorcade which blocks traffic for a couple of hours.
Friendly tourists, something to really look out for is the pre-budget festivities in Pakistan. And while you won’t find any mention of these in the tourist guides you carry around, they really are an activity not to be missed. This is the part when members of our very efficient and effective 100 man federal cabinet led by none other than the man of deals himself goes around Islamabad buying groceries for their homes. It’s quite sweet to watch this merry procession to something called the Utility Stores buying sugar, lentils, and tea. Unlike your home countries where men in grocery stores don’t look too excited, the budget festival entertainers are grinning from ear to ear like village idiots while being photographed from all angles. It is quite a spectacle and the world council of grocers might be nominating it for the “Happiest Grocery Run” award in their next annual meeting.
Another favourite pre-budget activity is something of a personal favourite, and it’s known as hoarding. This activity occurs when very wealthy traders, based on insider information about the budget, begin to stock up on their favourite goodies in enormous quantities. Nothing is sacred whether it is medicine, rooh afza (what Pakistani diplomats give by the caseload when they’re presented with Bordeaux), or cooking oil, and billions are made by offloading these goods after the budget. This fun activity is open to all who have the right contacts in Islamabad, and if you happen to be a Caucasian you won’t have any problems accessing anyone in government as long as you tell them you’re a foreign investor. Hell, you might even get free room and board in the best hotels along with free transportation.
It’s beyond me why the natives of certain parts of the country refuse to participate in this national festival of the budget. We hear that in Karachi the local power utility is ruining the pre-budget party by not supplying electricity for four hours at a stretch. And while Karachi is now known as the city of harmony, it is having trouble attracting tourists to come for its pre-budget party, I hear that orders have been issued by the powers that be that the party must be a success. The traditional Karachi pre-budget party usually happens outside the Karachi Stock Exchange and goes all the way to I I Chundrigar Road, but this year both brokers and bankers are expressing solidarity with their indicted brothers Hafiz Naseem and Ejaz Rahim and have cancelled the celebrations.
To all the party poopers who are trying to bring up silly issues like inflation, deficit, crushing debt which will be paid back by future generations, spiralling luxuries like German limousines, private jets, massive expense accounts, and crony capitalism I say back off. Back off because our leaders work very hard to bring festivals like budget time to the entertainment starved masses once a year, and if they need a few perks to make the pressure of their excessive workload easier they should be able to indulge themselves once in a while. So what if we have to pay for it — isn’t it really worth it?
The writer is an entrepreneur andbusiness consultant. Email: shakir@ gmail.com
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