Am neither an expert nor a mediocre authority on essay writing, but i will share some thoughts.

Your points are valid - there is no doubt about that. Relevancy is conspicuous. That's good.

You are trying to use informal words which may be part of our day to day vocabulary but are can not be part of academic writing. For example, you use Drone birds -- drone alone says all and trying to impose more sense by using 'birds' only takes away all the valuable point that you were going to make.

After introduction, you added five points. They are either desperate attempt to give length to the essay, or you have not been able to build up your essay so that it hits the bull's eye. For me, these 5 points are just a waste of time.

Am not sure why you used the concept of clash of civilization at two points. That show you are trying hard to add something you know, but in reality thats just a peripheral information with high potential to devalue the good points you made

The points that you mentioned regarding human rights are undoubtedly the best. I did learn something from your outline. I liked the way you divided various violation into separate points, which does amplify the abuse - the main crux of the essay.