Seniors please check my expansion

[Farishta]

please give feedback on it...

Make hay while the sun shines

In the famous and best-seller book ‘Common denominator of success’, the author has mentioned on factor that is responsible for the success of successful people; and that is: Successful people seize opportunities while the failures fail to respond proactively to the opportunities. Opportunities present themselves for certain limited time. One must be vigilant enough to cash these in time. One must be proactive. Lazy people do not get anything in life. If a student procrastinates on his preparation for examination, he will lose the chance to secure a better future for himself. Our life itself is an opportunity. If we fail to realize that we are here on earth for a certain purpose, then we are doomed to fail eternally. Realization of opportunity and then planning to make maximum out of it is essential to a prosperous life. This is a habit which only the successful people have. Not only individuals need to be proactive, nations too need to be careful as a whole to make the most out of opportunities. Peace in the lives of nations is a great opportunity to make progress in art, science, technology and the like. Also peace is the time to proactively collaborate to avoid war. In a nutshell, individuals and nations who realize and seize opportunities contribute substantially to shape their destinies as they desire.

[Viceroy]

The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition elaborates the proverb as "Take advantage of favorable circumstances; they may not last."

Yours is a fine attempt and its is according to the meaning of the proverb as well. Below I am highlighting a few gray areas (in my humble opinion) that may require improvement in the style of expression, grammar or the use of a better word

In the famous and best-seller book ‘Common denominator of success’, the author has mentioned on factor that is responsible for the success of successful people

1 - A best seller is always expected to be famous so using a word just for the sake of using it is not a very good idea.

Rephrasing

In his best-seller "Common denominator of success" the author, Albert E.N Gray has highlighted a key factor responsible for the success of successful people.

"In his" looks better than "in the" (at least to me) because you are mentioning the author in the later part of the sentence.

No need of mentioning that it is a book when the sentence tells the reader that it is authored by someone. Only books are authored.

Name of the author (if you know) further beautifies the sentence

"that is" was unnecessary between "factor" and "responsible" and was just prolonging the sentence

Successful people seize opportunities while the failures fail to respond proactively to the opportunities

repetition of the word 'opportunities', affects the beauty of the sentence
let's try a different way "Successful people seize opportunities while the failures fail to respond proactively to them"

Opportunities present themselves for certain limited time. One must be vigilant enough to cash these in time. One must be proactive.

These three short sentences are causing too much breaks, affecting the flow of the passage. Let's try to make something more "flowing" out of them
plus repetition of the word "time" at the end of the first two sentences is not advisable

Opportunities exist for a certain amount of time which may be very short; requiring one to be wise and vigilant enough to encash them at the earliest.

Proactive means taking preventative measures, taking action in advance; this words does not seem to be fit in this situation. Moreover, opportunities are not friends of every one so they don't present, they just exist.

If we fail to realize that we are here on earth for a certain purpose, then we are doomed to fail eternally

doomed means "condemned" I think "destined" would be a better option

Realization of opportunity and then planning to make maximum out of it is essential to a prosperous life

Realization of an opportunity and then making the maximum out of it is essential for a prosperous life

Only planning won't serve the purpose so use the expression that is decisive and stronger, as the situation requires it.




Generally, this is a good attempt but still there is a lot of room available for improvement as far as the expression and using the right word is considered. I'd suggest you read the editorials of Dawn and from any other source read whatever you get to read as long as it is a quality piece of writing. From that, try to understand how to express in the most effective way

Good Luck

[Farishta]

Dear thank you for your detailed feedback, really it is valuable, and encouraging. God bless you.
I am posting another one. Please go through this one, and suggest the shortcomings. If u have time constraints, just write in bullets, generalizing what should I improve eg grammar etc,,,i got ur suggestion of reading dawn editorial... thanks again.

No man is completely happy
Humans experience happiness as well as sadness in their lives. In this world, there is no such thing as complete happiness. A man can be happy in many spheres of life. But there will be some aspects of his life in which he will be sad. Happiness and sadness are feelings which emerge from the fact whether a man is contented with what he has or not. What a man wants and what is happening to him also determine his happiness. Man has always some wishes which are impossible to be realized through his means. Therefore, though he may be very happy, he cannot be completely happy.

For a man, realization of this fact is very significant. If a person realizes that he can not be completely happy – that it is humanly not possible – then he can focus on the happiness he has. If he strives for complete happiness, he can never be happy to his fullest. Because he will focus on the little which is making his life unhappy. This will overshadow his whole outlook and will render him much sadder.

So one must learn to focus on his sources of happiness or happiness. This will contribute to his happiness. There will always be few things which will keep him sad. But one must learn to live with these things.

Even Alexander the Great, who conquered almost the whole work, could not become completely happy. He was not happy because he could not conquer the whole world. Had he realized that even conquering the whole world would not make him completely happy, he would have much happier.

In a nutshell, there is no such thing as complete happiness in this world.

[Viceroy]

Originally Posted by Farishta

Dear thank you for your detailed feedback, really it is valuable, and encouraging. God bless you.
I am posting another one. Please go through this one, and suggest the shortcomings. If u have time constraints, just write in bullets, generalizing what should I improve eg grammar etc,,,i got ur suggestion of reading dawn editorial... thanks again.

No man is completely happy

Humans experience happiness as well as sadness in their lives. In this world, there is no such thing as complete happiness. A man can be happy in many spheres of life. But there will be some aspects of his life in which he will be sad. Happiness and sadness are feelings which emerge from the fact whether a man is contented with what he has or not. What a man wants and what is happening to him also determine his happiness. Man has always some wishes which are impossible to be realized through his means. Therefore, though he may be very happy, he cannot be completely happy.

For a man, realization of this fact is very significant. If a person realizes that he can not be completely happy – that it is humanly not possible – then he can focus on the happiness he has. If he strives for complete happiness, he can never be happy to his fullest. Because he will focus on the little which is making his life unhappy. This will overshadow his whole outlook and will render him much sadder.

So one must learn to focus on his sources of happiness or happiness. This will contribute to his happiness. There will always be few things which will keep him sad. But one must learn to live with these things.

Even Alexander the Great, who conquered almost the whole work, could not become completely happy. He was not happy because he could not conquer the whole world. Had he realized that even conquering the whole world would not make him completely happy, he would have much happier.

In a nutshell, there is no such thing as complete happiness in this world.

Thanks for the appreciation Farishta, It's a pleasure

Now your current passage

Humans experience happiness as well as sadness in their lives. In this world, there is no such thing as complete happiness. A man can be happy in many spheres of life. But there will be some aspects of his life in which he will be sad.

1 - First three sentences are about happiness, and the word "happiness" is repeated in every sentence. You should try to merge them in one sentence so as to avoid the stops and try to follow the same thing throughout the passage

2 - Try to use a quote or two on "happiness" e.g. "The persuit of happiness is a life-long chase"

3 - "he would have been much happier"

4 - In general, your sentences are short, and the words "happy" and "happiness" are having too much repetitions. Try using some synonyms e.g (happiness = beatitude, blessedness, bliss, blissfulness )

5 - I am not advocating very long sentences, BUT in your case, you have two or three short sentences which are more or less delivering the same meaning and causing repetitions. This is not good

6 - It can be a very good idea to read some relevant literature, poetry, quotes etc before beginning to write on a particular subject. This will broaden your horizons of thinking. With the availability of internet, this is easy.

7 - Work on improving your expression as I mentioned earlier

Good Luck

[Farishta]

Can we write 1st draft of expansion in paper at last page as rough, then write neat? Just like we do in case of precis,,,

[Raz]

Originally Posted by Farishta

Can we write 1st draft of expansion in paper at last page as rough, then write neat? Just like we do in case of precis,,,

I think there is no harm in it if you can manage time. If you have remarkable speed and flow of thought in your paper you can manage to write rough draft and spare time for writing in organized final draft. Keeping in view the structure of paper I can hardly manage to write its rough draft and afford time for second or final draft.


You have to calculate your speed and stuff to write before you decide to consume your time on rough draft.

[Urooj5]

I see a lot of help is available here for grammar; which is a good thing.
There are some technical (proverbial) rules that must be followed while attempting expansion.

1. Structure of Expansion:

The structure of Expansion itself is very important. So, an expansion must be divided into three parts. First being the Introduction which is also called Opening or Begining. Second is Expansion, which is also known as Main-body or Middling. Third portion is the Conclusion; that is named Closing or Ending as well.

The names I have given here would have informed you very well that what you are required to write in there.

2. Word Limit:

Word limit is the second most important rule that one must follow. I have experienced the difference myself. For opening there should be 50-60 words.
For Main-body there must be around 150-160 words. This way for conclusion one is left with 40-50 words because mostly the required length of Expansion is 250-275 words.

3. Introduction must be very strong with good expression. In the main body two or three examples must be given from the real life or some solid examples from history. When one talks about time one can talk about the fatal result of Napoleon etc. To give example of characteristic one may examplify any suitable personality from History or the living legends etc. Finally the conclusion must re-state with different words the theme of whole expansion.

[Farishta]

Thank you for overseeing the expansion and for the feedback. One thing I would like to ask you is that is it okay to begin introduction part of the expansion with the conventional sentences like; This proverb means...or something like that? I read it in Exploring the World of English that such conventional beginning should be avoided, but I found it quite challenging to begin with something else. Or please let me know from what kind of sentences should we begin intro, ofcourse not specificially but in general. In above attempts of expansions, I have strictly followed the structure you mentioned, but the main problem I faced was due to not finding suitable sentences for introduction, as I felt compelled not to use the conventional ones...
Oops quite a long question Hope you dont mind

[Urooj5]

The wise men in history have termend "PEN" as the biggest and most powerful weapon against enemy. Certainly, the powers of a pen can never be abated when it becomes a clarion. With the words it write, one can make them speak much more louder for any cause. When a trumpet is played no one is to become deaf if it is powered by pen.


All those who have witnessed the effects of writing on its readers; value pen. The voices of a common man produced by pen cannot be fettered by any means because it works as their clarion. A clarion that as its reach in every direction. History is repleted with such instances where poets like Voltaire in France, Iqbal in the sub-continent, writers like Disraeli in Great Britain and Sir Sayyed Ahmad Khan in the sub-continent made waves and resonance centuries ago; but their result speaks volumes to this day. Not only that pen is a remarkable tool to which anyone can have girp but also it can serve as their clarion if they use it for their cause. It is only because of the fact that the power of pen also bestows responsibility and confidence of his abilities to its owner.

An individual's ability and grasp over his writings equip him to put his mind at work that results in the creation of gigantic medium of expression. This medium will serve as his identity and a binding force of all other individuals who have the same point of view. This way such a force will arise which will magnify and impact just like a clarion. A clarion which is their voice in writing!
(260 words)

[Urooj5]

One may begin writing on any topic in number of ways. At times it is difficult to start at once. But it is essential that one must have strong beginning. A strong beginning can be simple as well. For creativity, one must try something different. To bring that about one must practice thinking creatively. You may even begin with the very first thought that comes to your mind and play with it sensibly.

For practice of creative writing I may suggest an exercise:

Grab any picture at random. Look at it and start writing whatever is coming to your mind about it. BUT, give it a theme. For example, there is one really attractive natural scene presented in a picture but you see a caution sign/ board also visible. You may build up on a theme : Charms strike the sight but Merit wins souls.

Try to write on the above topic and I'll provide you with constructive feedback on that.