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  #1  
Old Sunday, November 22, 2009
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Default Members! Comment on my "Man is the architect of his own fate"

Following is my attempt on the expansion of the topic "Man is the architect of his own fate".

Every member, be it senior or junior, is requested to review and comment. If you are unable to manage time to analyse critically or suggest improvements, then just post your overall impression. Your cooperation, even if it is in the form of shortest possible remark, will be highly appreciated.
Man is the architect of his own fate

One's fate is greatly influenced by his present and thus past, but these are not the only factors that affect fate.

What tomorrow's sun will bring for me, it is a question that has always perplexed man. The hope of better days, encourages man to keep moving forward. Some do get it, many are left behind, entrapped in dark valley of pain and sorrow. Some tried to remove the mist of mysteries that have shrouded future with the idea of fate. Unfortunately, the idea itself became a mystery and the mist grew thicker.

Perhaps, man himself is the most powerful artist who carves his fate. His hard work, determination and courage gives a shape to the characterless piles of stone of fate. His intelligence and pragmatism adds beauty to it. But besides him, countless elements, natural and unnatural - like death, accident, mishaps, betrayal, natural calamities, too work on the fate for better or worst. In fact, these elements are so countless and their influences is so varied that their study has given birth to the science of Chaos Theory. A real man accepts the challenge. If other uncontrollable forces gives crack or even break the sculpture, he mends it, further polishes it and sometimes even take advantage of it, but never gives in to them. His persistency bears fruits in the form of a successful life. He finally turns the ugly piles of stones into a masterpiece. Other, far behind him in the race, gets envious of his fate; they being full of gloom and despair fail to notice his workmanship with which he carved his fate in the face of all unwanted influences.

Fate is defined and developed by man, but he is not alone in it. A successful man does not get intimidated by elements outside his control, whereas a failure accepts his defeat and watch them play havoc with his fate with resignation.

Waiting for the response with great anticipation.

Regards
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  #2  
Old Sunday, November 22, 2009
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Your expansion is good; your expression is clear.
But ,according to Urooj,there must be three examples from real life ;what your expansion seems to lack in.


http://www.cssforum.com.pk/css-compu...tml#post114684
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urooj5 View Post
I see a lot of help is available here for grammar; which is a good thing.
There are some technical (proverbial) rules that must be followed while attempting expansion.

1. Structure of Expansion:

The structure of Expansion itself is very important. So, an expansion must be divided into three parts. First being the Introduction which is also called Opening or Begining. Second is Expansion, which is also known as Main-body or Middling. Third portion is the Conclusion; that is named Closing or Ending as well.

The names I have given here would have informed you very well that what you are required to write in there.

2. Word Limit:

Word limit is the second most important rule that one must follow. I have experienced the difference myself. For opening there should be 50-60 words.
For Main-body there must be around 150-160 words. This way for conclusion one is left with 40-50 words because mostly the required length of Expansion is 250-275 words.

3. Introduction must be very strong with good expression. In the main body two or three examples must be given from the real life or some solid examples from history. When one talks about time one can talk about the fatal result of Napoleon etc. To give example of characteristic one may examplify any suitable personality from History or the living legends etc. Finally the conclusion must re-state with different words the theme of whole expansion.
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Andrew Dufresne (Sunday, November 22, 2009)
  #3  
Old Sunday, November 22, 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nageen View Post
Your expansion is good; your expression is clear.
But ,according to Urooj,there must be three examples from real life ;what your expansion seems to lack in.


http://www.cssforum.com.pk/css-compu...tml#post114684
Thanks Nageen for the comments.

I will definitely try to include examples in my expansions.

What sort of examples one can mention on such topic? Any suggestions?

I mean, considering the cap on number of words, we have to give such example which is short and is fairly well known, so that our views are delivered in minimum possible words. Right?

Now, what such example can be for the topic "Man is the architect of his own fate"?

On a side note, the number of words in my original expansion is 325.

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Old Sunday, November 22, 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Dufresne View Post
Thanks Nageen for the comments.

What sort of examples one can mention on such topic? Any suggestions?
You can give example of Alexander the great from history ,while of Bill Gates from modern world.
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Andrew Dufresne (Sunday, November 22, 2009)
  #5  
Old Sunday, November 22, 2009
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Dear Members,

I would appreciate if someone else too shares his opinion. That's the only way I will improve.

Hope this time my request will not go unheeded.

Regards
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  #6  
Old Monday, November 23, 2009
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@Andrew Dufrense

A very good try.

Some comments:

1. Your expansion should have one paragraph. While it contains 3 paragraphs.

2. It is a bit longer than required.

3. Sometimes it is useful to include examples. In your case I didnt felt any need for that. However during exams you may encounter such expansions where you may run out of the ideas, so you can fill that gap by giving examples.

4. A nice flow of ideas and I appreciate it.

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  #7  
Old Monday, November 23, 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
@Andrew Dufrense

A very good try.
...
4. A nice flow of ideas and I appreciate it.
Thanks a lot newstudent. Appreciation really fills one with motivation.


Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
@Andrew Dufrense
1. Your expansion should have one paragraph. While it contains 3 paragraphs.
Well actually, my idea was to keep introduction, body and conclusion separated. Now if we join all in one, don't you think examiner will have difficulty in identifying them?

What if, instead of four, I had done it in three paragraphs - introduction, body, conclusion? What do you suggest?

How about I write introduction and conclusion in black and body in blue ink?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
@Andrew Dufrense
2. It is a bit longer than required.
I will practice for brevity then.

Is there any negative marking for long pieces? What could be the consequences?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
@Andrew Dufrense
3. Sometimes it is useful to include examples. In your case I didnt felt any need for that. However during exams you may encounter such expansions where you may run out of the ideas, so you can fill that gap by giving examples.
Thanks for further elaborating the tip. I will keep that "sometimes" but not always, in my mind.

Sorry if my questions appear naive, I would appreciate further guidance.

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  #8  
Old Monday, November 23, 2009
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@Andrew Dufrense

1. You said "Well actually, my idea was to keep introduction, body and conclusion separated. Now if we join all in one, don't you think examiner will have difficulty in identifying them?

What if, instead of four, I had done it in three paragraphs - introduction, body, conclusion? What do you suggest?

How about I write introduction and conclusion in black and body in blue ink?"

Well problem is that you are constrained to write it all in one paragrapgh. Although personally I like your pattern. But what really matters is examiner's view about your expansion.

2. You said "is there any negative marking for long pieces? What could be the consequences?"

It is purely a subjective issue. One examiner may not consider it, while other may penalize you. So depends on your luck too.

3. You said "Sorry if my questions appear naive, I would appreciate further guidance."

Brother as my id states I am a newstudent and really I am. I want to learn as well as help anyone who wants to learn. So nothing naive. You are always welcome.

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Andrew Dufresne (Monday, November 23, 2009)
  #9  
Old Monday, November 23, 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
Well problem is that you are constrained to write it all in one paragrapgh. Although personally I like your pattern. But what really matters is examiner's view about your expansion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
It is purely a subjective issue. One examiner may not consider it, while other may penalize you. So depends on your luck too.
Got the point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
Brother as my id states I am a newstudent and really I am.
Touche!

Quote:
Originally Posted by newstudent View Post
I want to learn as well as help anyone who wants to learn. So nothing naive. You are always welcome.
Thanks for the guidelines and encouragement. I appreciate it and found it greatly useful.

I will look forward to your reviews on my next expansions. Wish you success in your pursuits.

Regards
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  #10  
Old Monday, November 23, 2009
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Andrew dufresne

Awesome Effort!

You have good expression. I would only suggest you that not to indulge in verbose. The verbose way of writing can lean a person to get low marks. Many CSP's of the forum has laid stress on this point. Other few points have already cleard by Brother Newstudent.

Reverence
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