Plz comment on my expansion
 

salaam dear all.....here is my first expansion of idea.plz assess my attempt and tell me is it up to the mark with respect to length,grammar,vocabulary and relevance to the topic given...ur suggestions are v.valuable .topic is,
WE LEARN FROM HISTORY THAT WE DONT LEARN FROM HISTORY.

'most ignorance is vincible ignorance ,we dont know because we dont want to know'.....as it is a very common perception that history never changes or history repeats itself.so things keep on repeating ,if we analyze ourselves ,our environment then it will be revealed that we are still prisoners of history,fate is still treating us indifferently.same are the issues that we had to face in our past,i.e...unemployment is still as serious as it was lack of good leadership is still enjoying its peak position as it had been for so long,our baseless traditions are still looming around us,we are still chained with our backward customs,proportion of darkness is still greater than ray of hope.hopelesnses is everywhere and hopefulness is hidden somewhere.justice is very rare as usual an revenge is very common in sight .in short we can say that nothing is improved or upgraded.things are at the same level as were the past.we never tried to learn from our past that what were our wrong deeds? what blunders we had done ? n what were the things that lead us to such pathetic position.if we had learned something then the situation would be different ,improved and better.but we never tried ti trace out our shortcomings .though we know that history revives itself and this is a very valuable aspect of nature that it gives us our reflection that can help us a lot in self .analysis.it provides a great opportunity to look for our mistakes and to replace them with something good.but we never made such an attempt and it is appearing as if we are still at the point from where the life had started its journey.

[QUOTE=asmapices;211815]salaam dear all.....here is my first expansion of idea.plz assess my attempt and tell me is it up to the mark with respect to length,grammar,vocabulary and relevance to the topic given...ur suggestions are v.valuable .topic is,
WE LEARN FROM HISTORY THAT WE DONT LEARN FROM HISTORY.

'most ignorance is vincible ignorance ,we dont know because we dont want to know'[B].....[/B]as it is a very common perception that history never changes [B]or history repeats itself[/B][COLOR="DarkRed"][B](be confident at your start, dont portray unclear images by using or in a staring sentence)[/B][/COLOR].[B]so[/B] things keep on repeating ,if we analyze ourselves ,our environment then it will be revealed that we are still prisoners of history,fate is still treating us indifferently.same are the issues that we had to face in our past,i.e[B]...[/B][B]unemployment is still as serious as it was lack of good leadership is still enjoying its peak position as it had been for so long[/B][B][COLOR="darkred"](Wrong sentence)[/COLOR][/B],our baseless traditions are still looming around us,we are still chained with our backward customs[B],[/B][B][COLOR="darkred"](use a conjuction here)[/COLOR][/B]proportion of darkness is still greater than ray of hope.[B]hopelesnses is everywhere and hopefulness is hidden somewhere[/B][COLOR="darkred"][B](Revise this sentence its pretty immature comapred to the whole expansion)[/B][/COLOR].[B]justice is very rare as usual an revenge is very common in sight [/B].[B]in short[/B][B][COLOR="darkred"](conclude at the end, dont jump to conclusion in the middle of your expansion)[/COLOR][/B] we can say that nothing is improved or upgraded.things are at the same level as were the past.we never tried to learn from our past that what were our wrong deeds? what blunders we had done ? n what were the things that lead us to such pathetic position.if we had learned something then the situation would [B][COLOR="darkred"]have[/COLOR][/B] be[B][COLOR="darkred"]en[/COLOR][/B] different ,improved and better.but we never tried ti trace out our shortcomings .[B]though we know that history revives itself and this is a very valuable aspect of nature that it gives us our reflection that can help us a lot in self[/B][B][COLOR="darkred"](ambiguity)[/COLOR][/B] .analysis.it provides a great opportunity to look for our mistakes and to replace them with something good.but we never made such an attempt and it is appearing as if we are still at the point from where the life had started its journey.[/QUOTE]
The bold stuff needs another luk, and the coloured stuff provides you suitable solution to the problem
ur length is almost upto mark
You need to work on grammar specially tenses and conjunctions and their usage
Vocabulary is not an issue in your expansion
As far as relevance is conerned, it lukd like you were trying utmost to link everything with the topic being aginst the topic. This is not the case. You are not on any debate in which you have to prove something. You can stay neutral by touching both aspects. You kept the monotonous tone throughout criticizing forst person in the whole expansion. You should have ended it with positive note. Dont ask questions in ur expansion. Try to be very indifferent, covering different issues and highlighting prominent and relevant points in the starting 3-4 sentences.

Keeping in view as your first attempt, i advise you that you are not good in it but average, so you need to put lota hardwork to be in the race. Hope you will learn by ur mistakes.

Regards

thanx
 

first of all thank you so much...you did a very gr8 job 4 me...
yup i ve got my mistakes n will try to avoid them 4 the next time.
stay here 4 my correction 4 the next time plzzzzzzzzz.
REGARDS

assess this passage
 

MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES..
the proverb given above tells us that doing things in time is very important.'time and tide wait for none ' thus things should be done at right time.in cold countries where winter season is too adverse;intense chill,frost and snowfall disturb the life setup totally.farmers must cut the grass in summer and store it to compete the harshness of winter.thus they make their hay to feed their cattle during winter when the ground will be covered with snow,not even a single green leaf will be seen. similarly farmers sow in time and only then they are able to reap in time. same is the case with students; if a student studies through out the year he prepares himself well for exam ,but if he takes the things easy and thinks to prepare for exams at the end of academic session he is putting himself into hot water.it will give him nothing but mental agony ,pain and anxiety.so 'a stitch in time saves nine'..the phenomenon is applicable to all the disciplines of life.so it is very obvious that things should be done in time other wise as Henry Clay quoted...'the time will come when winter will ask you what were you doing all summer.'hence we should spend our time in a proper way .things should be well planned.we should be ready to face the circumstances by preparing ourselves for the future.it will make our lives easy and beautiful.as it is said that 'those who make the worst of their time most complaint about its shortness.'

Your Grammer needs much concentration

welcome to ur dissection
 

Man Is The Architect Of His Own Fortune...
A beautiful statement explains the topic as 'The fault is not in our stars,we are what we make ourselves to be'.....an architect designs his house according to his own wish,its totally his choice that how beautifully he accomplishes the task.whether he makes an ideal house which is praised by everyone or he designs an ordinary and common thing.same is the case with human life.man can make his fortune the way he likes. its not necessary that a man borne to an elite class will remain rich throughout his life,yet it depends upon the way he treats his wealth.if he works honestly,and consistently his fate will remain with him.rather if he does not have strength ,he will surely lose all his wealth and honour.on the contrary an ordinary man can rise high in life by dint of hard work,honesty and consistency. as quoted by a great man 'Fortunate are those who learned the best way ti get is first to give through useful services'.people who blame their fate for being indifferent to them,indeed do not utilize their capabilities .there are no of examples in history that people having ordinary backgrounds ,enjoyed the peak of glory and got great powers i.e.Abrahan Lincoln son of a an ordinary person ,became a ruler.if we want to make our fortune , first we should consider our capabilities,set a standard goal to achieve, and then should utilize our potentialities to their fullest extent because 'Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.'.no doubt fate is here but consistent efforts and devotion can alter it.

comments r needed
 

plzzz assess this expansion

[QUOTE=asmapices;212524]Man Is The Architect Of His Own Fortune...
A beautiful statement explains the topic as 'The fault is not in our stars,we are what we make ourselves to be'.....[B]an architect designs his house according to his own wish,its totally his choice that how beautifully he accomplishes the task.whether he makes an ideal house which is praised by everyone or he designs an ordinary and common thing[/B][COLOR="Blue"][B]Dont be that simple at the start that you are throwing an example kinda sentence by linking it the topic, your start should be indirect and well phrased).[/B][/COLOR]same is the case with human life.man can make his fortune the way he likes. its not necessary that a man borne to an elite class will remain rich throughout his life,yet it depends upon the way he treats his wealth.if he works honestly,and consistently his fate will remain with him.rather if he does not have strength ,he will surely lose all his wealth and honour.on the contrary an ordinary man can rise high in life by dint of hard work,honesty and consistency. as quoted by a great man 'Fortunate are those who learned the best way ti get is first to give through useful services'.people who blame their fate for being indifferent to them,indeed do not utilize their capabilities .there are [B]no[/B] of examples in history that people having ordinary backgrounds ,enjoyed the peak of glory and got great powers i.e.[B]Abrahan Lincoln son of a an ordinary person ,became a ruler[/B][COLOR="blue"][B]If you want to give an example, be a little at length while explaining it not just give a hint, even some examiners do appreciate a seaparate para for historical examples which have link with topic[/B][/COLOR].if we want to make our fortune , first we should consider our capabilities,set a standard goal to achieve, and then should utilize our potentialities to their fullest extent because 'Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.'.no doubt fate is here but consistent efforts and devotion can alter it.[/QUOTE]

You improveed....

Keep on