Critically evaluate:The fruits of labour are sweeter than the gifts of fortune
 

We have so many luxuries and necessities of life available to us today; all these have been discovered or invented by humans. Had the man not strived hard to explore the secrets of the nature, it wouldn’t have reached its current state. Everything given to us and made available to us by nature is a gift from Almighty Allah to us. Our ancestors have transformed these gifts in more appropriate form to suit it more to the needs of the coming generation through their hard work and labour. The quality of life we are enjoying is fruit of the struggle and continuous value addition to the gifts of the nature by every former generation to the following generation. Fast means of communication, better means of transportation, better medical facilities and all the technological development in every field of life we witness today is fruit of the hard work. In reality, we even cannot get benefit from most of the gifts of nature without hard work; we are digging deep into the earth to unveil the treasures it contains in the forms of the minerals and exploring space to better understand and solve the mysteries of the universe. Besides it, if we closely observe history of developed nations, we come to the conclusion that they have earned the place in the list of the developed nations by dint of their hard work. Besides the fact, majority of the Muslim countries are rich in natural resources but there is hardly any country on this list of developed nations. On the other hand, Japan not a very rich country in natural resources, even after defeat in Second World War is the third largest economy of the world. They preferred work over leisure and abolished weekly holiday in their country.

[QUOTE=wahab_ahqar;239757]We have so many luxuries and necessities of life available to us today; all these have been discovered or invented by humans. Had the man not strived hard to explore the secrets of the nature, it wouldn’t have reached its current state. Everything given to us and made available to us by nature is a gift from Almighty Allah to us. Our ancestors have transformed these gifts in more appropriate form to suit it more to the needs of the coming generation through their hard work and labour. The quality of life we are enjoying is fruit of the struggle and continuous value addition to the gifts of the nature by every former generation to the following generation. Fast means of communication, better means of transportation, better medical facilities and all the technological development in every field of life we witness today is fruit of the hard work. In reality, we even cannot get benefit from most of the gifts of nature without hard work; we are digging deep into the earth to unveil the treasures it contains in the forms of the minerals and exploring space to better understand and solve the mysteries of the universe. Besides it, if we closely observe history of developed nations, we come to the conclusion that they have earned the place in the list of the developed nations by dint of their hard work. Besides the fact, majority of the Muslim countries are rich in natural resources but there is hardly any country on this list of developed nations. On the other hand, Japan not a very rich country in natural resources, even after defeat in Second World War is the third largest economy of the world. They preferred work over leisure and abolished weekly holiday in their country.[/QUOTE]

AOA,
Good work!
But try to write as simple as you can because a good English is not which is supported by tough vocabulary and complex structures, but very simple structures and small and easy words can make your language very effective. Anyways great work by you.

[QUOTE=wahab_ahqar;239757][B][B](Topic sentence should consist of a single sentence briefing the gist of expansion) [/B]We(Try to use third person in lieu of first person; Man) have so many luxuries and necessities of life available to us today; all these have been discovered or invented by humans[/B](in short,all the valuable luxuries and necessities of life are discovered or invented by man). Had the man not strived hard to explore the secrets of the nature, it[B](he)[/B](MAN=he not it) wouldn’t have reached its[B](his)[/B] current state. Everything given to us[B](given to us or made aviaable to us both words conveys the same meaning. do not repeat the things)[/B] and [B]made available to us[/B] by nature is a gift from Almighty Allah to us. Our ancestors have transformed these gifts in more appropriate form to suit it more to the needs of the coming generation through their hard work and labour. The quality of life we are enjoying is fruit of the struggle and continuous value addition to the gifts of the nature by every former generation to the following generation. Fast means of communication, better means of transportation, better medical facilities and all the technological development in every field of life [B](we)[/B] witness [B](today is)[/B] fruit of the hard work. In reality, we[B](man)[/B] even cannot get benefit from most of the gifts of nature without hard work(constant labor; avoid repeatation of the words); man [B](are) dig(s)ging(do not use present continous tense but presnt simple) [/B]deep into the earth to unveil the treasures it contains in the forms of the minerals and[B](not and but [B],[/B])[/B] exploring space to better understand and solve the mysteries of the universe. Besides [B]it[/B](don't say it.Rathar, besides only is enough), if we closely observe history of developed nations, we come to the conclusion that they have earned the place in the list of the developed nations by dint of their hard work. Besides(can be written as:in addition to the fact) the fact, majority of the Muslim countries are[B](is)[/B] rich in natural resources but there is hardly any country on this list of developed nations. On the other hand, Japan not a very rich country in natural resources, even after defeat in Second World War is the third largest economy of the world. They preferred work over leisure and abolished weekly holiday in their country.[/QUOTE]
Good writing skills
examples are put smartly
even though u have to work tanaciously for writng an expansion
Well,Dear where is the conclusion of the expansion?
Moreover,I have just rattled through the expansion
further, do practice,practice and practice as it maketh a man perfect.
Persistenly post ur expansions here and let ur pals to check ur them
Ripon College compostion by Asghar Jilani and Exploring The World of English by Saadat Ali Shah are quite helpful books guiding for developing expansion.

Regards
Muhammad Kamran Shaikh

@ Kamran
 

The two reasons that made me write to you are;


1. Iqbal's couplet in your signature caught my attention. And then the two quotations in your signature which are antithesis to one another.
2. We share the same hometown. It's good to see young people like yourselves aspiring for civil services.

So just thought to pass a token of appreciation and encouragement. :))

@Raja4u....Thanks for your time and suggestion. It will help me definitely.

@Kamran...Thanks for detailed evaluation. Some nice tips and suggestions.I really need practice and will be definitely doing it. You will see a lot of expansion in coming days :P
Also, expecting that i will get support of fellows like you.

Everyone is invited to check and evaluate, and comment
 

[B]The fruits of labor are sweeter than the gifts of fortune[/B]

Success that is earned rather gifted takes people towards excellence. Such a success is a real source of self-satisfaction and true happiness. Furthermore, the excellence achieved through labor and hard-work is sustainable and long-lasting. It shapes the people internally as well as externally. Finally, it determines the human destiny and his ultimate position in the society and comity of nations. Just think about the difference between a man who has inherited huge wealth and property and the other who earned the same through labor. Also look at the nations that efficiently exploited the nature’s-endowed resources and the others which didn’t. Japan a big economic giant has scarce natural but plenty of skillful human resource. Its people made its land of islands developed, prosperous and viable by hard-work and determination. They achieved efficiency and high productivity, made their country a home of manufacturing industry that worked on imported raw material and earned its profit through export of goods. Contrarily one can list down a number of counties that did nothing except relying on God-gifted wealth and resources. Arab countries testify this argument. Endowed with heavy hydrocarbon reserves --- earning them huge foreign exchange, they are still backward in the field of technology, education and science. Most of the Arab countries rely on foreign skilled manpower and technology. Such a success that is earned on the basis of gifted-resources is temporary and volatile. Such nations cannot endure external and internal shocks, and when they run short on resources they face hard days. Even in Islam labor and effort has been given special importance. One who develops the taste of labor never awaits the gifts of fortune and relies on his arms strength.

[QUOTE=irfan_ali;240278][B]The fruits of labor are sweeter than the gifts of fortune[/B]

Success that is earned rather gifted takes people towards excellence. Such a success is a real source of self-satisfaction and true happiness. Furthermore, the excellence achieved through labor and hard-work is sustainable and long-lasting. It shapes the people internally as well as externally. Finally, it determines the human destiny and his ultimate position in the society and comity of nations. [B]Just think about the difference between a man who has inherited huge wealth and property and the other who earned the same through labor. Also look at the nations that efficiently exploited the nature’s-endowed resources and the others which didn’t[/B](Conditional tense would work here..if man thinks about the difference between the man who has inherited huge wealth and property and the other who has earned the same through labor, it becomes clear to him that the fruits of hardwork are long lasting). [B]Japan a big economic giant has scarce natural but plenty of skillful human resource. Its people made its land of islands developed, prosperous and viable by hard-work and determination. They achieved efficiency and high productivity, made their country a home of manufacturing industry that worked on imported raw material and earned its profit through export of goods(try to write examples concisely..do not jot down whole of the story in expansion). [/B]
(I think new paragraph should be started from here as u have has given the example contrary to what u have explained earlier)Contrarily one can list down a number of [B]counties(countries)[/B] that did nothing except relying on God-gifted wealth and resources. Arab countries testify this argument. Endowed with heavy hydrocarbon reserves --- earning them huge foreign exchange, they are still backward in the field of technology, education and science. Most of the Arab countries rely on foreign skilled manpower and technology[B](Again u have widened the boundaries of example)[/B]. Such a success that is earned on the basis of gifted-resources is temporary and volatile. Such nations cannot endure external and internal shocks, and when they run short on resources they face hard days. Even in Islam labor and effort has been given special importance. [B]In short,[/B] One who develops the taste of labor never awaits the gifts of fortune and relies on his arms strength.[/QUOTE]
i have highlighted the suggestions above.
Regards
Muhammad Kamran Shaikh

KIndly evaluate....

Careless Person is nausea not only to him, but also to the society and the state.


Man is social animal therefore he has certain responsibilities in the society. Man is born with two types of obligations; the one he owes to Allah and the others he owes to people. What a person does, not only impacts his life but also the life of people around him. This world is an open forum for everyone. He who works diligently, he can earn a better role and position in this world and hereafter. The one who evades his responsibility fails here and will fail hereafter. In addition to personal growth and reward there are certain responsibilities he has in the society and he has to fulfill these obligations, whether he wishes or not, for the development of the society. It will not be possible to develop a society and improve the quality of life of its inhabitants without realization of these responsibilities and then taking things head on which hinder the progress and development. Only responsible person can care of this thing and make this earth a better living place. Carelessness is one major hurdle in the development of any society. Careless persons become a burden on their fellow citizens. The other people will have to work more to compensate his negligence and will make tough for them to earn a place in the comity of developed societies. The impact depends upon the role one has to play in the society; the results of the carelessness of the head of the state and a common man cannot be the same. Being the basic building blocks of the society, the failure of the individuals ultimately leads to the failure of the societies.

[QUOTE=wahab_ahqar;240683]KIndly evaluate....

Careless Person is nausea not only to him, but also to the society and the state.


Man is social animal therefore he has certain responsibilities in the society. [B]Man is born with two types of obligations; the one he owes to Allah and the others he owes to people[/B] (It would have been more better,if u had written the only obligation of the man that he owes to people; As some men do not believe in the existence of Allah; Atheists.And here u have pointed out man. so be generalized..man has obligations that he owes to people living around him). [B]What a person does, not only impacts his life but also the life of people around him. [/B] (Correct: Actions of the man imapct not only on his life but also on that of the other people living around him ).
(New paragraph)[B]in addition,[/B]This world is an open forum for everyone. He(Say:man first.then, proceed with HE) who works diligently, (he)(Understood.so don't write He) can earn a better role and position in this world and hereafter(Brother, do not put the life of hereafter; be realistic). The one who evades his responsibility(duties can be used as an alternative) fails here and will fail hereafter(Again u have compared the present life with that of hereafter). In addition to personal growth and reward[B],[/B]there are certain responsibilities [B]that [/B]he has in the society and [B]he has to fulfill these obligations[/B](do not inflict upon man the duty of fulfiling any responsibility.However, you can write as : he fulfills those obligations), [I]whether he wishes or not,(unnecessary) [/I]for the development of the society. It will not be possible to develop a society and improve the quality of life of its inhabitants [B]first[/B] and then realization of these[B](those)[/B] responsibilities and taking things head on which hinder the progress and development.(in fact whole sentence conveys three ideas.it would be better if u had written these ideas in separate sentences) [B]besides,[/B]Only responsible person can care of this thing(such matters) and [B]can[/B] make this earth a better living place.
[B]on the contrary,[/B]Carelessness is one major hurdle in the development of any society. Careless persons become a burden on their fellow citizens. [B]The[/B](no article is required here) other people will have to work more to compensate his(their) negligence and will [B]have to[/B] make tough for them to earn a place in the comity of developed societies.
[B]summing up,[/B]The impact depends upon the role one has to play in the society; the results of the carelessness of the head of the state and a common man cannot be the same. Being the [B]basic[/B](building blocks is enough) building blocks of the society, the failure of the individuals ultimately leads to the failure of the societies.[/QUOTE]

You have good writing style.
Good vocabulary
However,I have ferreted out some of the mistakes from your expansion..
moreover,Try to work on weak points..
further,you have not accomodate any example in the whole expansion
furthermore, you have failed to divide your expansion in paragraphs to maintain the interest which is prerequeste of any expansion
And u have dire need of doing practice.
Post more expansions
Regards
Muhammad Kamran Shaikh

Attaching a paper contaning some transitional expressions which are helpful for showing the relationship between thoughts.moreover, these transitional words are appreciable for maintaining coherence not only in expansions but also in essays.Further, they are used to connect both sentences and paragraphs...For more go thorugh the piece of paper attached with this post :vic..
Regards
Muhammad Kamran Shaikh: