Help!
 

Hello everyone,

I am looking for a generous soul who is willing to check my essays if I send them those via email. Unfortunately, I do not have tangible access to anyone who could do it for me; resorting to online forums is the only solution. I'd be immensely grateful if anyone decides to help. Please note that I am interested in getting my structure organized; grammar isn't much of an issue for me.

Hoping to hear from a kind soul soon.

Thank you

[QUOTE=iamkanwal;1074130]Hello everyone,

I am looking for a generous soul who is willing to check my essays if I send them those via email. Unfortunately, I do not have tangible access to anyone who could do it for me; resorting to online forums is the only solution. I'd be immensely grateful if anyone decides to help. Please note that I am interested in getting my structure organized; grammar isn't much of an issue for me.

Hoping to hear from a kind soul soon.

Thank you[/QUOTE]
share your outline at this forum for evaluation and improvement. i will guide you. checking and removal of mistakes via email would not help you.

Following is Introduction of the essay. This took about 30 minutes to write. I chose this topic randomly from a past paper; no prior research done on it. Please be harshly critical. What is wrong with it? How can I improve? I have a habit of elaborating unnecessarily. Is it obvious in the paragraph below? How do I improve it?


[B] Is Colonial Mentality Impending Pakistan's progress?[/B]


"He that apes others will never be himself."

Before I elaborate on the above mentioned adage, let me underscore some quirky habits and beliefs of an average Pakistani. Firstly, he is awe-inspired by anyone who speaks fluent English and considers English an ultimate measure of intelligence irrespective of whether the substance of the speaker carries any weight or not. Secondly, he considers fair complexion a standard symbol of beauty and makes every effort to look fairer. Thirdly, it is relatively easier for an average Pakistani to either climb up the career ladder, coax superiors into accepting his ideas and boss around the subordinates if he is well versed in English. All these elements indicate rather deeply embedded aftermath of colonialism. As my grandfather puts it eloquently, "The Englishmen left, but we are still very much under their spell...dancing to the music that does not resonate with us, laughing at the jokes pretentiously we do not even find funny and taking pride in the culture that does not even belong to us." Anatol Leivon, a British himself, rightly mocks upper-middle class Pakistani youth's snobbish attitude that stems from their pseudo sense of superiority of being better versed at English, in his widely acclaimed book: Pakistan a Hard Country. This inferiority complex runs raft in the Pakistani society, to the extent that it stifles the intellectual growth and suppresses the creativity of indigenous fellow beings. The idea of trying to adopt to the customs that are no where near our true identity has resulted in longstanding identical crisis. Hence the above mentioned proverb accurately describes a social quagmire that Pakistan has been facing since 1947; Pakistan's enslavement to colonial ways is indeed impending its growth.

Makes sense. Thank you. Could you please give feedback on the above posted introductory paragraph?

impeding*

[QUOTE=iamkanwal;1074153]Following is Introduction of the essay. This took about 30 minutes to write. I chose this topic randomly from a past paper; no prior research done on it. Please be harshly critical. What is wrong with it? How can I improve? I have a habit of elaborating unnecessarily. Is it obvious in the paragraph below? How do I improve it?


[B] Is Colonial Mentality Impending Pakistan's progress?[/B]


"He that apes others will never be himself."

Before I elaborate on the above mentioned adage, let me underscore some quirky habits and beliefs of an average Pakistani. Firstly, he is awe-inspired by anyone who speaks fluent English and considers English an ultimate measure of intelligence irrespective of whether the substance of the speaker carries any weight or not. Secondly, he considers fair complexion a standard symbol of beauty and makes every effort to look fairer. Thirdly, it is relatively easier for an average Pakistani to either climb up the career ladder, coax superiors into accepting his ideas and boss around the subordinates if he is well versed in English. All these elements indicate rather deeply embedded aftermath of colonialism. As my grandfather puts it eloquently, "The Englishmen left, but we are still very much under their spell...dancing to the music that does not resonate with us, laughing at the jokes pretentiously we do not even find funny and taking pride in the culture that does not even belong to us." Anatol Leivon, a British himself, rightly mocks upper-middle class Pakistani youth's snobbish attitude that stems from their pseudo sense of superiority of being better versed at English, in his widely acclaimed book: Pakistan a Hard Country. This inferiority complex runs raft in the Pakistani society, to the extent that it stifles the intellectual growth and suppresses the creativity of indigenous fellow beings. The idea of trying to adopt to the customs that are no where near our true identity has resulted in longstanding identical crisis. Hence the above mentioned proverb accurately describes a social quagmire that Pakistan has been facing since 1947; Pakistan's enslavement to colonial ways is indeed impending its growth.[/QUOTE]
well never write essay without making outline. you need to draw sketch of the essay. it is considered as backbone of any essay. well structred, build and organised outline is required to pass the paper.

the introduction is not upto mark. the current subject statment should be started with yes or no, either you are going to support the statment or not in the body. though your expressions are good but lacking proper struxturing of essay. further, lenghty paragraphs be avoides.

it is advised that you should make outline then re-write it.

Thank you very much for the valuable feedback. I will definitely do it and post the outline here.

[B]Is Colonial Legacy Impeding Pakistan's Progress?
[/B]
1. Introduction (Opening and Thesis Statement)
2. How is colonial legacy impeding Pakistan's progress?
2.1. Social Impediments
-Perfunctory attitude towards cultural norms and activities
-Snubbing our indigent and crouching opulent
-Factitious simulation of western communication method and instinct
-Perverted attitude towards women
-Exagerratory liking of the western screenplay and neglecting traditional entertainment
-Increasing dependency on English as a medium of language
-A scornful posture of Pakistan's diaspora
2.2. Economic Impediments
-Incessant reliance on dollars
-Consumption of imported commodities and fickle domestic production
-Lack of techniques and capacity to utilize domestic resources
2.3 Political Impediments
-Intermittent interference of western bloc and destabilization of national integrity
-US belligerence towards Pakistan by signing treaties and agreements with immediate neighbours
-Patriarchal dominance of domestic politics
3. How can we steer Pakistan towards progress?
3.1. Reinvigoration of Islamic spirits and its principles
3.2. Imparting ethical and moral education
3.3.Uplifting cultural supremacy
3.4. Investment in the entertainment industry to promote national screenplay
3.5. Requisite necessity of raising awareness among lower social strata
3.6. Reformation of state institutions to steer economic progress
3.7. Provision of fundamental rights and opportunities
4. Conclusion

[QUOTE=iamkanwal;1074153]Following is Introduction of the essay. This took about 30 minutes to write. I chose this topic randomly from a past paper; no prior research done on it. Please be harshly critical. What is wrong with it? How can I improve? I have a habit of elaborating unnecessarily. Is it obvious in the paragraph below? How do I improve it?


[B] Is Colonial Mentality Impending Pakistan's progress?[/B]


"He that apes others will never be himself."

Before I elaborate on the above mentioned adage, let me underscore some quirky habits and beliefs of an average Pakistani. Firstly, he is awe-inspired by anyone who speaks fluent English and considers English an ultimate measure of intelligence irrespective of whether the substance of the speaker carries any weight or not. Secondly, he considers fair complexion a standard symbol of beauty and makes every effort to look fairer. Thirdly, it is relatively easier for an average Pakistani to either climb up the career ladder, coax superiors into accepting his ideas and boss around the subordinates if he is well versed in English. All these elements indicate rather deeply embedded aftermath of colonialism. As my grandfather puts it eloquently, "The Englishmen left, but we are still very much under their spell...dancing to the music that does not resonate with us, laughing at the jokes pretentiously we do not even find funny and taking pride in the culture that does not even belong to us." Anatol Leivon, a British himself, rightly mocks upper-middle class Pakistani youth's snobbish attitude that stems from their pseudo sense of superiority of being better versed at English, in his widely acclaimed book: Pakistan a Hard Country. This inferiority complex runs raft in the Pakistani society, to the extent that it stifles the intellectual growth and suppresses the creativity of indigenous fellow beings. The idea of trying to adopt to the customs that are no where near our true identity has resulted in longstanding identical crisis. Hence the above mentioned proverb accurately describes a social quagmire that Pakistan has been facing since 1947; Pakistan's enslavement to colonial ways is indeed impending its growth.[/QUOTE]

Hi iamkanwal!

First of all, do not write in personal voice in essay. Secondly, the topic is how is colonial impeding [B]progress[/B]. Your intro needs to be shaped up a bit. So when you're talking about fair colour complex, you need to talk about how its impeding progress. P.s. you are using the pronoun 'he', which I think is inappropriate since the this complex is internalized by brown women, not brown men. Though if we were talking about black people, then of course, the black ethnicity was and is still targeted for their skin colour. Coming back to your intro, the way you've linked our intellectual mimicking with the stifling of creativity in research and hence, development, that's what you need to do.

You've written 'identical problem'. It should be identity problem.

Thank you very much for the feedback. It actually makes a lot of sense. I am having a hard time writing my essay in a coherent manner, but I guess I will improve if I keep practicing. I will certainly keep the points that you mentioned in mind when I rewrite it. Thank you, again.