Feedback required (only introduction and conclusion)

[wahabfahad]

Dear All,

Please go through it and give your worthy suggestions for improvement.

Regards.

Essay: "Water crisis and national unity"

Introduction:

“Many of the wars of the twentieth century were about oil,” asserts Dr. Isamil Serageldin, former vice president of the World Bank, “but wars of the twenty-first century will be over water.” This assertion clearly depicts that in near future the wars will be fought over water, both within and beyond borders, which, ultimately, will weaken the cohesion among people and nations. Similarly, water crisis is also looming over the Pakistan, which has the potential to disrupt the fabrics of unity and integration among masses and federating units. This is due to the lack of water storages and political tussles over water, which are the main ingredients of the chaotic situation in the country. Moreover, the mindless consumption and lack of its proper management and conservation also led the nation towards water crisis, decreasing the economic growth and accelerating the unemployment rate, eroding the bondage among federating units. Therefore, it is a matter of fact that the country is heading towards water crisis, which pose a serious threat to the national unity and integration. However, with adequate and sustainable steps, the crisis of water can be reversed, which will, ultimately, augment the national cohesion.

Conclusion:

Without one iota of doubt, it is clear that in present scenario of Pakistan, the lack of access to adequate amount of water have incurred deleterious impacts over the national unity. The major culprits are the absence of reservoirs and political mudslinging over water issues. However, the crisis can be resolved, if the major political parties and relevant stakeholders starts striving for building consensus and harmony among themselves. In doing so, they should leave their short-sightedness, and pledged to work for the country’s prosperous and developed future. Only then, the national unity and integration will further strengthened, and Pakistan will be able to get its lost glorious image among global communities. Any crisis, including the water, can be resolved, if there exists strong will and determination. As it is said, that “where there is a will, there is a way.” Thus, if there is a will to resolve water crisis and augment national unity, it can be achieved.

[Sofia Dolly]

Your writing is good. You have addressed the topic well.

Kindly post complete outline of the essay so that I can better analyse your essay.

[areeb ahmed]

Many of the wars of the twentieth century were about oil,” asserts Dr. Isamil Serageldin, former vice president of the World Bank, “but wars of the twenty-first century will be over water.” This assertion clearly depicts that in near future the wars will be fought over water, both within and beyond borders, which, ultimately, will weaken the cohesion among people and nations. (There is no precedent set in earlier lines to justify using: Similarly)Water crisis is also looming over Pakistan, which has the potential to disrupt (It should be tear) the fabric of unity, disrupt the integration among masses and sow discontent in federating units. The major factors, accelerating the possibility of water crises are: Lack water reservoirs and political tussles over water, which are also, two of the main ingredients of the chaotic situation in the country. Moreover, the mindless consumption (too harsh)/careless consumption, lack of proper distribution and ineffective approach to water conservation are also the factors leading the nation towards water crisis, decreasing the economic growth and accelerating the unemployment rate (There is no direct correlation of economic growth and unemployment), eroding the bond among federating units (Province would be a better fit, federating unit multiple times would seem unnecessarily wordy). It’s a matter of fact that the country is heading towards water crisis, which pose a serious threat to the national unity and integration. However, with adequate and sustainable steps, the water crises can be avoided, which will, ultimately, augment the national.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful.

[wahabfahad]

Originally Posted by Sofia Dolly

Your writing is good. You have addressed the topic well.

Kindly post complete outline of the essay so that I can better analyse your essay.

Thank you Madam for your kind feedback.

Here is the outline.

Sorry, unable to type it now, that's why sharing image directly.

Will wait for your analysis.

JazakAllah.

[wahabfahad]

Originally Posted by areeb ahmed

Many of the wars of the twentieth century were about oil,” asserts Dr. Isamil Serageldin, former vice president of the World Bank, “but wars of the twenty-first century will be over water.” This assertion clearly depicts that in near future the wars will be fought over water, both within and beyond borders, which, ultimately, will weaken the cohesion among people and nations. (There is no precedent set in earlier lines to justify using: Similarly)Water crisis is also looming over Pakistan, which has the potential to disrupt (It should be tear) the fabric of unity, disrupt the integration among masses and sow discontent in federating units. The major factors, accelerating the possibility of water crises are: Lack water reservoirs and political tussles over water, which are also, two of the main ingredients of the chaotic situation in the country. Moreover, the mindless consumption (too harsh)/careless consumption, lack of proper distribution and ineffective approach to water conservation are also the factors leading the nation towards water crisis, decreasing the economic growth and accelerating the unemployment rate (There is no direct correlation of economic growth and unemployment), eroding the bond among federating units (Province would be a better fit, federating unit multiple times would seem unnecessarily wordy). It’s a matter of fact that the country is heading towards water crisis, which pose a serious threat to the national unity and integration. However, with adequate and sustainable steps, the water crises can be avoided, which will, ultimately, augment the national.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful.

Thank you very much dear Sir for your detailed feedback and corrections.
Got your points.
JazakAllah.