Please Check My Content

[hated]

Hello everyone!

I've written essay for the first time, can anyone check it for me? Point me my mistakes, suggestions to improve!

PLEASE POINT GRAMMAR MISTAKES ASWELL!


Introduction

The Founding Father of Pakistan achieved this state democractically and enforcibly. Greviously, destiny did not give enough time to delinate the socio-economic, religious and political chart of newly born country.
As first democratic elections were held in 1970, December. There were hurdles and holes to democracy, in which dictators have ruled three times, as country becomes backward economically, state becomes weaken due to political feudalism, illierate people, self imposed leaders and inherited politics are few salient feature. In addition to this, Awareness of rights should be given to voter. so, that any elect-parliament, government officer could not get away by their performance. Therefore, we need reforms of our laws which are outdated, old laws are made 71 years ago, while we are living in 2018. These measures indicates that we need to call an emergency in overall country.

(1) Democracy is a cultural rather than a process
There are two types of democracy.
(1) Direct Democracy: A direct democracy or pure democracy is a type of democracy, where the people government directly. It requires wide participation of citizens in politics.

(2) Representative Democracies
A representative democracy is an indirect democracy where soverignty is held by the people representative. which includes liberal and illiberal democracy.


(B)Merits and Demerits of Feudalism
Feudalism is one of main factors of democracy, since, it is linked with politics.
When, there is land own by the land lord, they simply make their laws after that, they join politics to create hold across the country. Once, they are elected in parliament, one have no knowledge of serving their people who elected them. Also there are many cases (i.e) "karo-kari, domestic violence, slavery in which, they are making decisions themself. However it is against the judicial process. Since, all cases including civil, criminal are decided as per law. only judiciary can decide or punish the perpetrators. Therefore, we need to aware public that choose a right leader who can empower them, as they fear of punishment by landlords of that area, which is why public don't go against them.

A case study on feudalism

*There is case of ShahRukh Jatoi, known as killer of Shahzeb, son of DSP Police is running freely in public which is against human rights violation.
*Mustafa Kinjo son of former federal minister is not convicted due to evidence was admonish by so called investigation officer. Currently, he is clear from all charges.



(C)Rights of Voter in Pakistan

Rights of voter is given in western democracies of world which is why, they are developed. Their laws are very strict, any voter can question their leader as freedom of speech is given due to that their country is so powerful and established. In Pakistan, one voter is not given right basic right of questioning their leader, when they come to area to ask them for a vote. As far I remember one incident of well known Politician in Shikarpur. One voter asked him about his performance, his reply was "who are you to ask me about my personal" meanwhile, voter replied, I'm the one whos family who voted your family since centuries. His reply was, "I don't give a damn about your single vote!". This is what people should know their voting rights so they can be served accordingly.



D. Reforms of Laws.
E. Foreign Intervention which shows Pakistan is not independent state.
F. Socio-Economic Status of Pakistan
(1.) Water Scarcity Issue
(2.) Terrorism
G. Social Media Impacts on Human Lives In Pakistan

Conclusion: Pending yet.

[mrarsalankhan]

Originally Posted by hated

Hello everyone!

I've written essay for the first time, can anyone check it for me? Point me my mistakes, suggestions to improve!

PLEASE POINT GRAMMAR MISTAKES ASWELL!


Introduction

The Founding Father of Pakistan achieved this state democractically and enforcibly. Greviously, destiny did not give enough time to delinate the socio-economic, religious and political chart of newly born country.
As first democratic elections were held in 1970, December. There were hurdles and holes to democracy, in which dictators have ruled three times, as country becomes backward economically, state becomes weaken due to political feudalism, illierate people, self imposed leaders and inherited politics are few salient feature. In addition to this, Awareness of rights should be given to voter. so, that any elect-parliament, government officer could not get away by their performance. Therefore, we need reforms of our laws which are outdated, old laws are made 71 years ago, while we are living in 2018. These measures indicates that we need to call an emergency in overall country.

(1) Democracy is a cultural rather than a process
There are two types of democracy.
(1) Direct Democracy: A direct democracy or pure democracy is a type of democracy, where the people government directly. It requires wide participation of citizens in politics.

(2) Representative Democracies
A representative democracy is an indirect democracy where soverignty is held by the people representative. which includes liberal and illiberal democracy.


(B)Merits and Demerits of Feudalism
Feudalism is one of main factors of democracy, since, it is linked with politics.
When, there is land own by the land lord, they simply make their laws after that, they join politics to create hold across the country. Once, they are elected in parliament, one have no knowledge of serving their people who elected them. Also there are many cases (i.e) "karo-kari, domestic violence, slavery in which, they are making decisions themself. However it is against the judicial process. Since, all cases including civil, criminal are decided as per law. only judiciary can decide or punish the perpetrators. Therefore, we need to aware public that choose a right leader who can empower them, as they fear of punishment by landlords of that area, which is why public don't go against them.

A case study on feudalism

*There is case of ShahRukh Jatoi, known as killer of Shahzeb, son of DSP Police is running freely in public which is against human rights violation.
*Mustafa Kinjo son of former federal minister is not convicted due to evidence was admonish by so called investigation officer. Currently, he is clear from all charges.



(C)Rights of Voter in Pakistan

Rights of voter is given in western democracies of world which is why, they are developed. Their laws are very strict, any voter can question their leader as freedom of speech is given due to that their country is so powerful and established. In Pakistan, one voter is not given right basic right of questioning their leader, when they come to area to ask them for a vote. As far I remember one incident of well known Politician in Shikarpur. One voter asked him about his performance, his reply was "who are you to ask me about my personal" meanwhile, voter replied, I'm the one whos family who voted your family since centuries. His reply was, "I don't give a damn about your single vote!". This is what people should know their voting rights so they can be served accordingly.



D. Reforms of Laws.
E. Foreign Intervention which shows Pakistan is not independent state.
F. Socio-Economic Status of Pakistan
(1.) Water Scarcity Issue
(2.) Terrorism
G. Social Media Impacts on Human Lives In Pakistan

Conclusion: Pending yet.

Please mentioned the topic so than one can evaluate your writing easily.

Sent from my CPH1723 using Tapatalk

[hated]

Originally Posted by mrarsalankhan

Please mentioned the topic so than one can evaluate your writing easily.

Sent from my CPH1723 using Tapatalk

Hi, It is "failure of democracy in Pakistan"

[hated]

I'm unable to edit the post. New to forum, can you help me?

[Asuna]

Originally Posted by hated

I'm unable to edit the post. New to forum, can you help me?

You need to request Admins to edit posts.

[Asuna]

Originally Posted by hated

Hello everyone!

I've written essay for the first time, can anyone check it for me? Point me my mistakes, suggestions to improve!

PLEASE POINT GRAMMAR MISTAKES ASWELL!


Introduction

The Founding Father of Pakistan achieved this state democractically and enforcibly. Greviously, destiny did not give enough time to delinate the socio-economic, religious and political chart of newly born country.
As first democratic elections were held in 1970, December. There were hurdles and holes to democracy, in which dictators have ruled three times, as country becomes backward economically, state becomes weaken due to political feudalism, illierate people, self imposed leaders and inherited politics are few salient feature. In addition to this, Awareness of rights should be given to voter. so, that any elect-parliament, government officer could not get away by their performance. Therefore, we need reforms of our laws which are outdated, old laws are made 71 years ago, while we are living in 2018. These measures indicates that we need to call an emergency in overall country.

(1) Democracy is a cultural rather than a process
There are two types of democracy.
(1) Direct Democracy: A direct democracy or pure democracy is a type of democracy, where the people government directly. It requires wide participation of citizens in politics.

(2) Representative Democracies
A representative democracy is an indirect democracy where soverignty is held by the people representative. which includes liberal and illiberal democracy.


(B)Merits and Demerits of Feudalism
Feudalism is one of main factors of democracy, since, it is linked with politics.
When, there is land own by the land lord, they simply make their laws after that, they join politics to create hold across the country. Once, they are elected in parliament, one have no knowledge of serving their people who elected them. Also there are many cases (i.e) "karo-kari, domestic violence, slavery in which, they are making decisions themself. However it is against the judicial process. Since, all cases including civil, criminal are decided as per law. only judiciary can decide or punish the perpetrators. Therefore, we need to aware public that choose a right leader who can empower them, as they fear of punishment by landlords of that area, which is why public don't go against them.

A case study on feudalism

*There is case of ShahRukh Jatoi, known as killer of Shahzeb, son of DSP Police is running freely in public which is against human rights violation.
*Mustafa Kinjo son of former federal minister is not convicted due to evidence was admonish by so called investigation officer. Currently, he is clear from all charges.



(C)Rights of Voter in Pakistan

Rights of voter is given in western democracies of world which is why, they are developed. Their laws are very strict, any voter can question their leader as freedom of speech is given due to that their country is so powerful and established. In Pakistan, one voter is not given right basic right of questioning their leader, when they come to area to ask them for a vote. As far I remember one incident of well known Politician in Shikarpur. One voter asked him about his performance, his reply was "who are you to ask me about my personal" meanwhile, voter replied, I'm the one whos family who voted your family since centuries. His reply was, "I don't give a damn about your single vote!". This is what people should know their voting rights so they can be served accordingly.



D. Reforms of Laws.
E. Foreign Intervention which shows Pakistan is not independent state.
F. Socio-Economic Status of Pakistan
(1.) Water Scarcity Issue
(2.) Terrorism
G. Social Media Impacts on Human Lives In Pakistan

Conclusion: Pending yet.

Hi hated,

First of all, there needs to be connection with your ideas. After Introduction and democracy point, you're talking about merits and demerits of feudalism. How is the transitioning coming about?
Broadly these are the areas you need to work on:
1. There's no clarity of thought in your entire essay.
2. Don't use personal voice that is 'I' in essays.
3. Work on your English. And you need to connect your sentences. For example, in Introduction:
"Greviously, destiny did not give enough time to delinate the socio-economic, religious and political chart of newly born country.
As first democratic elections were held in 1970, December. "
I don't see how the 1st line is connected with the 2nd line. These are two separate ideas. The 2nd line does not explain the 1st line. And the 2nd line is fragmentary.
4. How is feudalism connected with democracy? Or do you mean democracy in Pakistan. Because elsewhere in First World, democracy and capitalism go hand-in-hand. And by the way, when you write something like this, you need to quote an authentic source. You cannot pass it on even if you think everyone else knows this is a fact. So you need to quote either a scholar or a book or another authentic, well-reputed source to back up your stuff.
5. How is water scarcity issue a failure of democracy? This issue was created because there was no work done on it. Regardless of the form of government that was in Pakistan, no one was interested in tackling this problem.
6. Why do you need social media reforms? You need to elucidate that.
7. The topic is failure of democracy. You need to talk about all the factors that have failed to bring about democracy. That includes mass illiteracy, military dictatorships (and by the way we had 4 dictators not 3), our perceived existential threat which made us to rely more and more on military than our political institutions, lack of leadership, lack of national integration etc. These are the points you need to include.

[Asuna]

Originally Posted by Asuna

You need to request Admins to edit posts.

Ah! No sorry about that. I confused it with changing username. I am not sure what's the procedure to edit a post because the 'edit' button disappears.

[Leo KIng]

Originally Posted by Asuna

Hi hated,

First of all, there needs to be connection with your ideas. After Introduction and democracy point, you're talking about merits and demerits of feudalism. How is the transitioning coming about?
Broadly these are the areas you need to work on:
1. There's no clarity of thought in your entire essay.
2. Don't use personal voice that is 'I' in essays.
3. Work on your English. And you need to connect your sentences. For example, in Introduction:
"Greviously, destiny did not give enough time to delinate the socio-economic, religious and political chart of newly born country.
As first democratic elections were held in 1970, December. "
I don't see how the 1st line is connected with the 2nd line. These are two separate ideas. The 2nd line does not explain the 1st line. And the 2nd line is fragmentary.
4. How is feudalism connected with democracy? Or do you mean democracy in Pakistan. Because elsewhere in First World, democracy and capitalism go hand-in-hand. And by the way, when you write something like this, you need to quote an authentic source. You cannot pass it on even if you think everyone else knows this is a fact. So you need to quote either a scholar or a book or another authentic, well-reputed source to back up your stuff.
5. How is water scarcity issue a failure of democracy? This issue was created because there was no work done on it. Regardless of the form of government that was in Pakistan, no one was interested in tackling this problem.
6. Why do you need social media reforms? You need to elucidate that.
7. The topic is failure of democracy. You need to talk about all the factors that have failed to bring about democracy. That includes mass illiteracy, military dictatorships (and by the way we had 4 dictators not 3), our perceived existential threat which made us to rely more and more on military than our political institutions, lack of leadership, lack of national integration etc. These are the points you need to include.

I really appreciate the way you have analyzed his essay. It's crystal clear that you are familiar with the art of writing a good essay which in my perception is the first and only step towards getting qualifying marks in this subject.
Wish you best of luck.

[hated]

Hi Asuna, Thankyou for pointing mistakes in my first attempted essay.


Can you please suggest me, how to improve all these points? As I'm beginner.

Originally Posted by Asuna

Hi hated,

First of all, there needs to be connection with your ideas. After Introduction and democracy point, you're talking about merits and demerits of feudalism. How is the transitioning coming about?
Broadly these are the areas you need to work on:
1. There's no clarity of thought in your entire essay.
2. Don't use personal voice that is 'I' in essays.
3. Work on your English. And you need to connect your sentences. For example, in Introduction:
"Greviously, destiny did not give enough time to delinate the socio-economic, religious and political chart of newly born country.
As first democratic elections were held in 1970, December. "
I don't see how the 1st line is connected with the 2nd line. These are two separate ideas. The 2nd line does not explain the 1st line. And the 2nd line is fragmentary.
4. How is feudalism connected with democracy? Or do you mean democracy in Pakistan. Because elsewhere in First World, democracy and capitalism go hand-in-hand. And by the way, when you write something like this, you need to quote an authentic source. You cannot pass it on even if you think everyone else knows this is a fact. So you need to quote either a scholar or a book or another authentic, well-reputed source to back up your stuff.
5. How is water scarcity issue a failure of democracy? This issue was created because there was no work done on it. Regardless of the form of government that was in Pakistan, no one was interested in tackling this problem.
6. Why do you need social media reforms? You need to elucidate that.
7. The topic is failure of democracy. You need to talk about all the factors that have failed to bring about democracy. That includes mass illiteracy, military dictatorships (and by the way we had 4 dictators not 3), our perceived existential threat which made us to rely more and more on military than our political institutions, lack of leadership, lack of national integration etc. These are the points you need to include.

[Asuna]

Originally Posted by hated

Hi Asuna, Thankyou for pointing mistakes in my first attempted essay.


Can you please suggest me, how to improve all these points? As I'm beginner.

Hi hated,

First of all read and understand whatever information you absorb. Because as far as I saw, you didn't understand the topic and you jotted down whatever you already knew. Plus, you didn't revise your content. You need to read from diverse sources in order to get as much information as you can and then sift what needs to be put according to the topic. Not everything you read maybe related to the topic at hand. So just read and write. That's wat can I tell. The more clarity of thought there will be, the more clear your essay and language is going to be. Write simple, but with coherence. Ideas should flow from each other. For example, in your there was not no for "merit and demerit of feudalism". You should have only focused on the aspect of how feudalism contributed towards creating a political hegemony of one class.

Now where to read from? Use at least one FPSC recommended book. If you can't read the entire book, that's okay, just Google what's it about. Understand it. Search its quotes and use them where you think they should be added. Its important that your books are not just academy prepared books. I did use academy published books, but I also used other sources such as articles etc. And I also used YouTube extensively. TedTalks are fantastic in this respect. Vox is great for IR+Current Affairs. But even for one topic, take for example, South China Sea, I would read and watch multiple videos. If you're not careful enough, you would end up with info overdose. And doing the same for every topic can be exhausting. You should do what suits you best.

For English, I really can't say because I've a literature background. But a few years ago I used Barron's SAT for improving my comprehension and vocab.