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  #21  
Old Saturday, May 30, 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aishalam View Post
I shall cover @SilviaRose outline before moving on to the next just so I have a system to remember which ones I've commented on and which I have not. @Silvia remember these are my thoughts and comments. Feel free to ask any questions you might have. I hope you find my thoughts helpful.

Also @thedreamofrain hope you feel better soon!



A) Introduction
Thesis Statement:
Although there are many factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed, however, digitalization can play a pivotal role in socioeconomic development in Pakistan.

B) What is meant by digitalization?
i) Definition and basic elements
ii)Difference between digitalization and digitization (not exactly necessary but you can include it if you want.)
iii) Status of digitalization in Pakistan I agree with the comment before that this should be a seperate point in the outline because it's actually really relevant to the topic. You have been asked How far digitalization can help with the socio-economic development in Pakistan so to get to that you need to establish what the current situation in Pakistan is so that when you talk about recommendations your points are more grounded in reality.)

C) How far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan? (I think it would be best if you divide this topic into two parts before giving the sub-topics. The two sections would namely be Social development and economic development. This would make your outline a little more coherent and when you are writing your paragraphs it would help you give context better with the social development topics grouped and economic development topics following them. If there is an aspect which overlaps word the sub topic in the sections so that there is a point in each.)

i) As a driver of economic growth and development (how? That's exactly what they are asking. This is not an argument this is the point you are trying to make.)
ii) Improved quality of education through the deployment of latest technologies
iii) A better healthcare monitoring and control system (more examples: better healthcare response time with emergency response teams being utilized more efficiently like the 911 dispatch system in the US)
iv) Promotion of tourism industry through the use of digital technologies (how? Be more specific.)
v) The implementation of E-democracy (good but include how it would improve social development. You've established that pattern in the points above i.e. including both the mode as well as it's benefit so try to have consistency)
vi) Bridging the digital divide through the development of digital infrastructure (good point but needs a little rewording so that it's clearer at first reading how this helps the social/economic development)
vii) The development of digital competency among organizations (what will this do? How will this help? Make it clearer in the statement.)
viii) The implementation of digital workplace concept
ix) As a source of ecological and environmental protection (interesting I wouldn't have thought of that but how? Again be more specific.)
x) As a source of employment

D) What are other factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed? (this portion is completely unnecessary. It reads as a filler. Have more faith in your writing abilities that you'll be able to chug out a 2500 word essay with the arguments that you have. Do not add points in the outline simply to add some "padding". It's very easy to see when it is done and it loses you marks right off the bat. They have asked a very specific thing in the topic- stick to it as if your life depends on it.)
i) Fair distribution of resources among the citizens
ii) "The lower the population, the higher the development"
iii) The current status of economy within a country
iv) The nature of institutions within the country

E) What can be done to promote digitalization in Pakistan? (good portion. Could be made stronger if the state of digitalisation in Pakistan currently topic is added right before it. Also if would be very pleasing from a symmetry pov if you correlate this recommendation portion with the C topic before. I'll explain what I mean in a seperate comment after this. I wrote out a full explanation for someone let me just find it since it was a lot clearer than I can manage at near midnight. **)
i) Increased investment by the government in the digital sector
ii) The access of proper digital training to all citizens
iii) Incentives for using technology to reach certain milestones

F) Conclusion
Thank you so much for your feedback. It must have been a tedious one😂 Now looking at my outline, I can see the mistakes I made while making it.
Coming to introduction, I have written one on this essay but I don't know the things that must be included in the introduction. Should the introduction cover all the things mentioned in the outline? (And if so, Wouldn't it make the introduction more lengthy?)
I have written this introduction but it is a more general one that doesn't cover the content of my outline. Hope it isn't as irrelevant as I think

My Introduction


Rupert Murdoch once said,"The world is changing very fast. Big will not beat small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow."This dictum has been validated by the contemporary developments occuring throughout the world. Only those who are quick to adapt to these changing developments are progressing. One such development is embracing digitalization which has completely changed the future of the world. Unfortunately, Pakistan is amongst the countries that lags in this department. According to Digital Evolution Index(DEI), Pakistan was ranked 56th out of the 60 countries in 2017. This is quite alarming considering future socioeconomic indicators especially education and economic development are closely related to it. Among the various factors that attribute to socioeconomic development, digitilization can play a substantial role in the socioeconomic development of Pakistan.


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  #22  
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Topic: Future of Pakistan lies in education of its masses
1- Introduction
2- How future of Pakistan lies in education of its masses?
2.1- World has moved to "Knowledge based economy", so has the survival of Pakistani economy.
2.2- Skill education can alleviate poverty of masses in Pakistan.
2.3- Only an enlightened citizenry can reap true fruits of democracy.
2.4- Uniform education can create an atmosphere of integration and harmony.
2.5- Education can ensure women empowerment and their due role in national life of Pakistan.
2.6- Education is a powerful weapon against extremism and militancy.
2.7- Only education can impart a nation with a sense of civic responsibilities.
3- Why the current standing of education in Pakistan does not forecast a bright future?
3.1- Pakistan spends lowest percentage of its GDP in South Asia.
3.2- Parallel education systems result in further widening of divergences in society.
3.3- Social constraints keep women away from education.
3.4- The system is based on rote-learning and transition of informations.
4- How can the rotten education system be fixed?
4.1- Government must give education its due budgetary allocation.
4.2- A uniform education system must be introduced throughout the country.
4.3- Special legislations and incentives can relieve the educational plight of women.
4.4- Emphasis should be on research-based education keeping local problems in focus.
5- Conclusion

Education has been the most effective tool for human development since time immemorial. It is education what makes a useful member of his society or a barbaric savage who threatens the societal peace. The glory of great past civilzation is, by and large, credited to education. In the contemporary world too, countries flourish by the education of their people. Pakistan is certainly not an exception. The socio-economic and political future of Pakistan lies in skill,enlightening and transformative education of its masses. However, the currently rotten education system does not forecast any prospects of a bright future and it requires radical changes at policy and implementation levels.There is no denying that only education can shift foundations of Pakistani economy to knowledge and alleviate poverty. Furthermore, true democracy, gender equality and national integration can only be ensured through education.Nevertheless, the present education system of Pakistan does not present any hopes of such a future. This system is faced with grave problems of rote-learning and lack of funds on behalf of government. Moreover, Parallel education systems and social constraints on women education further aggravate the sufferings. Arguably, these problems are not unresolvable and Pakistan can, too, rise to the world stage like Japan and South Korea. For this to occur, both state and society must adopt a firm determination towards this cause.

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  #23  
Old Sunday, May 31, 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The dream of rain View Post
Brother, first, sorry for being late and inactive. I am unwell these days. Surely, will catch up with you guys as soon as i get fine.
Thanks for mentioning me earlier
Here are my thoughts to this:

Outline is really good. what i'm going to tell is just a refinement.

"5.1 ensuring quick delivery of services" (You can rephrase it like ensuring quick services delivery. It reduces words count and make it easy to catch).

"5.4 coping with diseases and environmental disasters" (these, diseases and environmental arguments, could be made into two separate headings. It would make it specific and give weigh to your arguments).

"5.5 fostering electric finance" (This is bit ambiguous. you should reconsider altering words).

I feel 5.9 should comes before/after the 5.6, considering the sequence of arguments. Give it a hard gaze you will get it.

"6.3 poor access to technology" ( this could be changed into inaccessibility to technology).
"6.4 cultural constraints" (Its pretty much broad and unclear. It would leave a good impact if you be specific, direct and clear to the reader).

Coming to the Introduction:
"It is considered (as/to be) the key to nation’s development..."
"...as it has turned the world into a global village." (After this and before TS more subject matter can be added to create interest for the reader).
"In countries like Pakistan, (It would be better if you make it like, In a country like Pakistan... It will narrow down reader's attention the topic and your arguments as well)digitalization can play a conducive role for socio-economic progress of the country."
P.S. If i had missed something other members (esp., @Aishalam) will express their thoughts.
Hope it helps!
Dear dream, thanks for your analysis, and I pray for your health. May you get well soon.
Your suggestions are good.
I wanted to write e-finance, but wrote in full form. Regarding cultural constraints: I use them as impediments, because with the advent of digital system, cultural traditions will surely come under threat (modernism vs. traditionalism). This gap will have to be fixed with in order to make digitalization successful. And, thanks for pointing out some visible mistakes in intro.
Waiting for some other suggestions. Thanks.
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  #24  
Old Sunday, May 31, 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The dream of rain View Post
Political polarization: Issues and challenges for democracy in Pakistan

1. Introduction
2. What is political polarization?
3. Is Pakistan politically polarized? Yes, how:
a. Presence of various factions: Government vs. Anti-government
b. Divisions in ruling coalition government
c. Inclination toward personalities
4. Issues:
i Political polarization
ii. Limited accountability
iii. Election meddling
iv. Media clampdown
v. Bad governance
vi. Political instability
vii. Institutional conflicts: Judiciary vs. Military
5. Challenges:
i. De-polarizing political environment
ii. Initiating across the board accountability
iii. Making elections transparent
iv. To free media
v. Good governance
vi. Bring political stability
6. Conclusion
My analysis:
You have not mentioned democracy even for a single time in your outline.
What i think you have touched only political polarization, but overlooked democracy. And, i think issues and challenges should remain same. Your issues part is good, but in challenges you have put solutions to the challenges. It should have been a separate heading to overcome political polarization.
plus: i personally believe we have to make balance between political polarization and democracy and how the polarized condition of the former poses challenges to the latter. This is what i believe, others are requested to comment on this.
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  #25  
Old Sunday, May 31, 2020
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I agree with @thedreamofrain's comments on the outline but I would like to add a few points which you will find below. I hope they are helpful!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innocent Hafeez View Post
How far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?
Outline
1. Introduction

Thesis statement: Given the scope and significance of digitalization, it will (better to use the word "can". "Will" connotes certainty which one can't exactly claim.) prove conducive for social and economic development of Pakistan. (I would suggest taking a look at my post #7 in this thread where I have listed some desirable characteristics in a TS. Your TS is strong but it can be made stronger.)
2. defining the concept
3. different forms of digitalization
4. scope of digitalization in modern times (this point seems a tad irrelevant)
5. Can digitalization help in socioeconomic development of Pakistan?

Yes, digitalization can really help in socio-economic development of Pakistan by:
5.1 ensuring quick delivery of services
5.2 helping advance communication tools
5.3 modernizing education system
5.4 coping with diseases and environmental disasters
5.5 fostering electric finance
5.6 boosting export sector
5.7 providing new job opportunities
5.8 strengthening national security
5.9 improving production techniques in agricultural and industrial sectors (very strong arguments and good wording/structure. Add a few more for social development. Most of these are economic. How about the provision and safe implementation of a national social security net, establishment of distant learning programs/ education and skill development in regional languages, focus the job opportunity argument on women who can use digitalization to establish small businesses run from home, could also include better awareness and availability of information which does have an impact on social development of a nation, easier access to vote is a social development indicator as well. That is why I recommended @sylvia rose to divide this section into two distinct halves; social development and economic development because otherwise the social aspect is just lumped in with economic growth and sure they are extremely interconnected but it would be worthwhile to distinguish where digitalization can have an impact on our social development specifically.)
6. An overview of current position of digitalization in Pakistan
Pace of digitalization in Pakistan is slow and unsatisfactory due to:
6.1 lack of resources
6.2 illiteracy
6.3 poor access to technology
6.4 cultural constraints (good addition to the narrative. It flows well from one point to the next)
7. Ways to deal with problems and ensure digitalization in Pakistan
7.1 political will of concerned authorities
7.2 manage economic crisis
7.3 spread effective education
7.4 invest on information technology
7.5 address concerns of local industry (more arguments could be included here. It seems a little empty. Make it longer but not as long as point 5 as that is the major question asked in the essay topic so it should cover 60-70% of the outline area visually. This is a rough rule of thumb but helpful to ensure that one keeps it focused and coherent.)
8. Conclusion
Essay
Digitalization is one of the aspects of modern technology. It is considered the key to nation’s development at social, political, economic and cultural levels. It influences states and their policies through its various forms and outlets. Its scope and significance cannot be denied, especially in this time and age, as it has turned the world into a global village. In countries like Pakistan, digitalization can play a conducive role for socio-economic progress of the country. If adopted effectively, digitalization will ensure quick delivery of services, make citizens fully informed by advancing communication tools as well as help check malpractices. Besides, it will maximize job opportunities and will strengthen country’s security and education system. In addition, it will foster state’s trade via new and improved production technique, which, in turn, will uplift the falling exports of the nation. However, despite such benefits, the current position of digitalization in Pakistan paints a dismal picture. Though policy makers have taken some initiatives to expedite digital system in the country, its pace and progress remains slow due to certain impediments. Addressing these hurdles will require a pragmatic approach to ensure an effective and sound digitalization of the country.(good introduction and there is a nice flow between the sentences. A few things I'd like to point out. Adverbs like besides, in addition and however are fine but do not use so many of them one after the other. The actual meaning of the sentences gets lost while one tries to keep track of how it relates to the past sentence. So these three sentences should be reworded a little to ensure better flow. I would also recommend that you search up "essay hook". they are the opening to an essay and are designed specifically to engage the reader and make them sit up and focus on what you have to say. There are many types and you can pick and chose which suits your writing style and the topic as well. Your opening lines are completely fine as they are but they are generic. the checker will read near hundreds of variations of those same lines so why should they care about your essay in particular? No matter how strong your arguments are or how flawless the grammar and structure, it wouldn't matter one bit if the checker loses interest right at the start. If you would like I could do a post here about my favorite type of hooks and how to tailor them to any essay topic. Also when writing an introduction it is important to keep the conclusion in the back of the mind. They serve different purposes but they are supposed to be reflections of the other. They should neatly encase everything else you wish to say and hence support and complement one another. If you have set out to answer a question, it should be answered outright in the conclusion. If you have used a metaphor in the hook, it should make a reappearance by the end. These sort of considerations make your writing interesting and unique and your reader would appreciate that. Overall you've done a very commendable job. These comments are genuinely me nitpicking.)
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  #26  
Old Sunday, May 31, 2020
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Ma'am Aishalm please also consider mine.

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  #27  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aishalam View Post
I agree with @thedreamofrain's comments on the outline but I would like to add a few points which you will find below. I hope they are helpful!
Sister aishalam, thanks for your kind suggestions. I understood your tips in the outline portion, and they were immensely helpful, but got little about introduction.
First, besides, in addition , are conjunctions and i used them to ensure smooth flow of sentences. So these three sentences should be reworded a little to ensure better flow.
Kindly, rewrite these sentences for me as you say in my introduction just as a sample. I will be thankful.
Second, i did not get about essay' hook'. Please, post your favorite hook as you have said to show how to write it.
Third, If you have set out to answer a question, it should be answered outright in the conclusion. If you have used a metaphor in the hook, it should make a reappearance by the end.
Sister, i am not getting about this sentence regarding conclusion as well. Can you post a sample introduction to this topic by showing essay hook as well as conclusion? Or, you can edit my Intro as per you suggestions. It would make things clearer. Thanks again.
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  #28  
Old Monday, June 01, 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IkhAfridi View Post
Topic: Future of Pakistan lies in education of its masses
1- Introduction
2- How future of Pakistan lies in education of its masses?
2.1- World has moved to "Knowledge based economy", so has the survival of Pakistani economy.
2.2- Skill education can alleviate poverty of masses in Pakistan.
2.3- Only an enlightened citizenry can reap true fruits of democracy.
2.4- Uniform education can create an atmosphere of integration and harmony.
2.5- Education can ensure women empowerment and their due role in national life of Pakistan.
2.6- Education is a powerful weapon against extremism and militancy.
2.7- Only education can impart a nation with a sense of civic responsibilities.
3- Why the current standing of education in Pakistan does not forecast a bright future?
3.1- Pakistan spends lowest percentage of its GDP in South Asia.
3.2- Parallel education systems result in further widening of divergences in society.
3.3- Social constraints keep women away from education.
3.4- The system is based on rote-learning and transition of informations.
4- How can the rotten education system be fixed?
4.1- Government must give education its due budgetary allocation.
4.2- A uniform education system must be introduced throughout the country.
4.3- Special legislations and incentives can relieve the educational plight of women.
4.4- Emphasis should be on research-based education keeping local problems in focus.
5- Conclusion

Education has been the most effective tool for human development since time immemorial. It is education what makes a useful member of his society or a barbaric savage who threatens the societal peace. The glory of great past civilzation is, by and large, credited to education. In the contemporary world too, countries flourish by the education of their people. Pakistan is certainly not an exception. The socio-economic and political future of Pakistan lies in skill,enlightening and transformative education of its masses. However, the currently rotten education system does not forecast any prospects of a bright future and it requires radical changes at policy and implementation levels.There is no denying that only education can shift foundations of Pakistani economy to knowledge and alleviate poverty. Furthermore, true democracy, gender equality and national integration can only be ensured through education.Nevertheless, the present education system of Pakistan does not present any hopes of such a future. This system is faced with grave problems of rote-learning and lack of funds on behalf of government. Moreover, Parallel education systems and social constraints on women education further aggravate the sufferings. Arguably, these problems are not unresolvable and Pakistan can, too, rise to the world stage like Japan and South Korea. For this to occur, both state and society must adopt a firm determination towards this cause.

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M opinion:
Your outline and intro are really good. But, i think before point 2 you should define education first and some more points can be added here. Also in intro:
However, the currently rotten education system does not forecast any prospects of a bright future and it requires radical changes at policy and implementation levels.There is no denying that only education can shift foundations of Pakistani economy to knowledge and alleviate poverty. Furthermore, true democracy, gender equality and national integration can only be ensured through education
This part of your intro is in disorder. Bring however sentence at the place of nevertheless to highlight prevailing problems. Rest is fine, others will comment further.
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  #29  
Old Monday, June 01, 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Innocent Hafeez View Post
Sister aishalam, thanks for your kind suggestions. I understood your tips in the outline portion, and they were immensely helpful, but got little about introduction.
First, besides, in addition , are conjunctions and i used them to ensure smooth flow of sentences. So these three sentences should be reworded a little to ensure better flow.
Kindly, rewrite these sentences for me as you say in my introduction just as a sample. I will be thankful.
Original sentences: "...If adopted effectively, digitalization will ensure quick delivery of services, make citizens fully informed by advancing communication tools as well as help check malpractices. Besides, it will maximize job opportunities and will strengthen country’s security and education system. In addition, it will foster state’s trade via new and improved production technique, which, in turn, will uplift the falling exports of the nation. However, despite such benefits, the current position of digitalization in Pakistan paints a dismal picture...."

Reworded suggestion: If adopted effectively, digitalization will ensure quick delivery of services, make citizens fully informed by advancing communication tools as well as help check malpractices. It will also maximize job opportunities and will strengthen the country’s security and education systems. In addition to the previously listed prospects, digitilization also has vast potential to boost and foster the country's trade via new and improved production techniques which, in turn, will uplift the falling exports of the nation. However, despite such benefits, the current position of digitalization in Pakistan paints a dismal picture.


(As you can see very slight changes here and there. What I meant by advising against using so many of these conjunctions togetger is simple; these words are meant to link one sentence with the other before it so when reading the sentences together your subconsciously try to keep the first one vaguely at the back of your mind so that you can see how the sentence you are currently reading is related to the last one. Having so many back to back means with sentences that are relatively long means that there is an information overload and you just give up trying to make connections. You will notice I've added "...to the previously listed prospects..." after "in addition" to remind the reader what points we are talking about and how this sentence adds to it all as well. I've also used "digitalization" again in the third sentence again as a soft reminder of what we are talking about. Using "it" again and again gets a tad repetitive so change it up a bit. Use the name again or some adjective phrase like "this marvelous modern technological process" or something simpler to add variety. I hope this point makes a little more sense now. I'll try to get to the rest soon too.
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  #30  
Old Monday, June 01, 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aishalam View Post
Original sentences: "...If adopted effectively, digitalization will ensure quick delivery of services, make citizens fully informed by advancing communication tools as well as help check malpractices. Besides, it will maximize job opportunities and will strengthen country’s security and education system. In addition, it will foster state’s trade via new and improved production technique, which, in turn, will uplift the falling exports of the nation. However, despite such benefits, the current position of digitalization in Pakistan paints a dismal picture...."

Reworded suggestion: If adopted effectively, digitalization will ensure quick delivery of services, make citizens fully informed by advancing communication tools as well as help check malpractices. It will also maximize job opportunities and will strengthen the country’s security and education systems. In addition to the previously listed prospects, digitilization also has vast potential to boost and foster the country's trade via new and improved production techniques which, in turn, will uplift the falling exports of the nation. However, despite such benefits, the current position of digitalization in Pakistan paints a dismal picture.


(As you can see very slight changes here and there. What I meant by advising against using so many of these conjunctions togetger is simple; these words are meant to link one sentence with the other before it so when reading the sentences together your subconsciously try to keep the first one vaguely at the back of your mind so that you can see how the sentence you are currently reading is related to the last one. Having so many back to back means with sentences that are relatively long means that there is an information overload and you just give up trying to make connections. You will notice I've added "...to the previously listed prospects..." after "in addition" to remind the reader what points we are talking about and how this sentence adds to it all as well. I've also used "digitalization" again in the third sentence again as a soft reminder of what we are talking about. Using "it" again and again gets a tad repetitive so change it up a bit. Use the name again or some adjective phrase like "this marvelous modern technological process" or something simpler to add variety. I hope this point makes a little more sense now. I'll try to get to the rest soon too.
Ignore the bombardment of "agains" at the end there. Was really distracted.

@IkhAfridi I'll try to get to it soon but on first glance it's a pretty strong outline!
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