Write the introductions of essays

[irfan_ali]

FEDERAL PUBLIC SERVICE COMMISSION
COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION FOR RECRUITMENT TO POSTS
IN BPS – 17 UNDER THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, 2009.

ESSAY

TIME ALLOWED: THREE HOURS MAXIMUM MARKS:100




1. The Future of Democracy in Pakistan.

2. Health is not a condition of matter, but of mind.

3. co.education , Merits and Demerits

4. The food crisis: problems , challenges and opportunitities for Pakistan.

5. English as the Medium of Education in Pakistan.

6. The future of UNO, Hopes and Hurdles

7. There is no great genious without a mixture of madness.

8. Status of Women in Islam

9. Pakistan's War on terror and its impact on our psyche and politic.socio.economic fronts.

10. Power of Media in the Modern World.

[irfan_ali]

Plz comment on my intro

When one is indulged in many troubles, there comes one lesson—good hope of the future. Its virtue is historically proven and even vigorously advocated by the religion of the Muslims—Islam. If we replicate this fruitful lesson in the present circumstances of Pakistan one should expect a bright future and that one patriotic Pakistani must do. The ground reality is, there are innumerable challenges obstructing the way of nascent democracy, even though, it could not be called a true democracy if seen in the context of its definition.

Past of democracy in Pakistan is overshadowed by the long-regimes of dictators. If we see democracy in the historical perspective there would be nothing else than a gloomy picture. We can only derive lessons from the past 62 years.

February 18 elections in 2007 are generally thought to be a transition from dictatorship to democracy. Before and after, many crucial events took place which are favorable to the shinny future of democracy. For instance, boom in media which to some extent assumed its chartered role. Similarly, revival of judiciary brought by active movement for the restoration of sacked judges. One can point out many flaws in the viability of these two state-pillars—judiciary and media, but at the same time he would have to acknowledge that these two state institutions have assumed their due participation and active role which ever absent.

One man show is over—another positive side of democracy. This development has opened a way for discussion and debate on the national issues, and now at-least there is some participation of the representatives of the people in decision-making. One must learn here, this process has always been suppressed in the dictators regime, although, dummy governments worked under the dictators.

Besides, weaknesses of democracy in Pakistan can never be neglected. There is much needed to be done at all levels. The state-institutions are not so robust against internal and external pressures. Even, political parties are devoid of true democracy in themselves. They are ruled by one family—Muslim league by Sharif and People’s Party by Bhutto family. Above all, one man show is preponderant in the roots of the Pakistani society. The decisions are made by heads of the families almost without any consultation and consensus of its members. On the other hand, foreign intrusions and conspiracies are on their way and an ever present tussle between the democratic and dictator elements is still active.

[Muhammad Ali Awan]

When one is indulged in many troubles, there comes one lesson—good hope of the future. Its virtue is historically proven and even vigorously advocated by the religion of the Muslims—Islam. If we replicate this fruitful lesson in the present circumstances of Pakistan one should expect a bright future and that one patriotic Pakistani must do. The ground reality is, there are innumerable challenges obstructing the way of nascent democracy, even though, it could not be called a true democracy if seen in the context of its definition

.

Always try to initiate with the words that appears sound and catches attention. You have a nice attempt, but you can also start with these sentences,
Democracy is the art of possible( the opening sentence must be banked upon very good lines)
Democracy is the panacea of all evils
or The Future lies in democracy.

Good hope for the future rather of the future.......(first line) vigorously advocated by Islam(2nd line).

Past of democracy in Pakistan is overshadowed by the long-regimes of dictators. If we see democracy in the historical perspective there would be nothing else than a gloomy picture. We can only derive lessons from the past 62 years.

Past of Democracy or The history of democracy.

February 18 elections in 2007 are generally thought to be a transition from dictatorship to democracy. Before and after, many crucial events took place which are favorable to the shinny future of democracy. For instance, boom in media which to some extent assumed its chartered role. Similarly, revival of judiciary brought by active movement for the restoration of sacked judges. One can point out many flaws in the viability of these two state-pillars—judiciary and media, but at the same time he would have to acknowledge that these two state institutions have assumed their due participation and active role which ever absent

Feb 18 election in 2007 is generally.......he would have to............ (6th line){replaced by} one must acknowledge.............Which was absent before(last line),

One man show is over—another positive side of democracy. This development has opened a way for discussion and debate on the national issues, and now at-least there is some participation of the representatives of the people in decision-making. One must learn here, this process has always been suppressed in the dictators regime, although, dummy governments worked under the dictators.

opened up a way................(Ist line), although needs to be replaced with though(last line).

Besides, weaknesses of democracy in Pakistan can never be neglected. There is much needed to be done at all levels. The state-institutions are not so robust against internal and external pressures. Even, political parties are devoid of true democracy in themselves. They are ruled by one family—Muslim league by Sharif and People’s Party by Bhutto family. Above all, one man show is preponderant in the roots of the Pakistani society. The decisions are made by heads of the families almost without any consultation and consensus of its members. On the other hand, foreign intrusions and conspiracies are on their way and an ever present tussle between the democratic and dictator elements is still active.

Weakening of democracy..................(1st line)This is much needed to be worked out at all level......(2nd line)............ in themselves(delete these words)(3rd line)
It seems you are sometimes detracking, like the fourth last sentence, The decisions.................

It was a nice attempt. Though i did not have any literature background and command on grammar, but i tried my best to figure out the mistakes.

[Vivre sa vie sans regret]

Nice effort.

The only way to improve essay is bt practice. The more you write, the better you can be. Following are some of the faults observed in your writing. It may be that you wrote intentinaly this way to cover thoughts here online in a small space. Or it may be the way you write in general as well.

Either ways, it needs improvement. Your wording and vocabulary is sound. Sentence structure is where you will need to focus. How to make something sound better in writing and give a better meaning in the same words as you have already been using.

Get the drift ?

A short point wise main problems with this writing can be said to be as follows:

too little elaboration
weak sentence structures
too many thoughts contained in one para
skipping from one subject to another in the space of one line
mixing abstract thoughts and subjects with facts and objects in the same para
no attention to the detail of things
No rules of narration or description or analysis followed

Hope that helps

Wishing you all the best in your practice.

Regards
Vsvsr

[irfan_ali]

1. mawaan i am greatful to you for your useful comments and identification of mistakes.... i have really found them helpful for further improvement

2. thanks to u also-- Vivre sa vie sans regret – for your useful comments.. but to some points I have objections kindly review them as I am pointing as follows.

(A short point wise main problems with this writing can be said to be as follows:

too little elaboration (Objection)
Ans. As I have just tried to write introduction(400-500) of the essay (2500-3000) words so I wd elaborate all my thoughts in the body of essay.

weak sentence structures (agreement)
Ans. I wd try to improve it

too many thoughts contained in one para (agreement)

skipping from one subject to another in the space of one line (agreement)

mixing abstract thoughts and subjects with facts and objects in the same para (agreement)

no attention to the detail of things (objection)

No rules of narration or description or analysis followed ( unable to understand it)
Ans. Kindly further elaborate this finding what lines could be added to present my introduction in this way

[irfan_ali]

seniors and members i have done some improvements in my previous attempt of introduction of essay. kindly please recheck my intro and inform me of your kind remarks.....

The future of democracy in Pakistan

When one is indulged in many troubles, there comes one lesson—good hope for the future. Its virtue is historically proven and even vigorously advocated by Islam. If we replicate this fruitful lesson in the present circumstances of Pakistan one should expect a bright future and that one patriotic Pakistani must do. Although, Pakistan is facing some serious challenges which have undermined the growth of democracy, many favorable events have also occurred in parallel predicting a better future of democracy.

History of democracy in Pakistan is not so attractive that one can project it in future. One would have to rely on present developments and foresee their better results. Past of democracy in Pakistan is overshadowed by the long-regimes of dictators. If we see democracy in the historical perspective there would be nothing else than a gloomy picture. We can only derive lessons from the past 62 years.

In the recent years many positive changes have taken place which can be regarded as a ‘soft revolution’. This soft revolution has utmost potential for the grooming of democracy in Pakistan. First positive change can be said as the development of electronic media. Media has now assumed its chartered responsibly of checking the policies of the government and creating an awareness among the common public about its rights and duties. Second important change is the restoration of sacked judges. This development has allowed the judicial system of Pakistan to retake its lost position, take bold actions against high profiles and eliminate corruption from the grass root levels. Thirdly, transition of regime from dictatorship to democracy is another positive change. Democratic government is given another chance to play its cards and streamline the development process of the country.

One man show is now over; democracy is given another chance. This development has opened up a way for discussion and debate on the national issues, and now at-least there is some participation of the representatives of the people in decision-making. One must learn here, this process has always been suppressed in the dictator’s regime, though, dummy governments worked under the dictators.

Derailed process of democracy is now on its track. But one worrisome issue is still there. It has not gained so much strength that it could run speedily on its track. The state-institutions are not so robust against internal and external pressures. These are filled in with old bureaucratic structure that lacks any innovative designs. Even, political parties are devoid of true democracy. They are ruled by one family—Muslim league by Sharif and People’s Party by Bhutto family. On the other hand, foreign intrusions and conspiracies are on their way and an ever present tussle between the democratic and dictator elements is still active. Yet, there is much needed to be worked out at all levels.

[Vivre sa vie sans regret]

Originally Posted by irfan_ali

too little elaboration (Objection)
Ans. As I have just tried to write introduction(400-500) of the essay (2500-3000) words so I wd elaborate all my thoughts in the body of essay.

I have mentioned the same in my post in these words in line 2 :

"It may be that you wrote intentionaly this way to cover thoughts here online in a small space. Or it may be the way you write in general as well."

The purpose for writing the above was to cover both contingencies mentioned in my original line quoted above.

no attention to the detail of things (objection)

Details are not meant to be cramming as many words and statements into a write up as you can. Detail means going into the nitty gritty of things.

No rules of narration or description or analysis followed ( unable to understand it)
Ans. Kindly further elaborate this finding what lines could be added to present my introduction in this way

There are ways and types of essays to attempt. Consult any good english Teacher. It would become clear to you. These are methods of writing an essay and how to assemble your thoughts on paper.

Hope that helps

Regards
Vsvsr

[irfan_ali]

i am greatful to you Vivresa vie sans regret for your further elaboration of the points.... Now these are clear to me .. in my second attempt i have tried to eliminate all lapses ... kindly would you point out or comment on my second attempt... Thanks

[Yes2010]

AOA

Although I am not a senior but I would try to valuate your Intro on the basis of whatever experience I have accumulated throughout my career,

Bro for a start I have been observing your tendency of putting wrong word at the right place for instance - Indulge ( according to literary know-how Indulge is used for negative practices) like famous and Notorious both are same words but convey different meanings, casting a glance over your sentence I rather you use word facing trouble- faced with trouble , be precise

Bro this is Just a creative activity not a sarcastic one

Coming to your sentence structure :
use of articles : dont use "One Lesson" instead "a lesson" as this delineates your lack of proficiency to the examiner, be Accurate

Correction : challenges which have undermined the growth of
: Challenges which has undermind the growth of democracy

Strike balance on Tense formation
History of democracy in Pakistan is not so attractive that one can project it in future.

Is not as attractive that one can predict it in future : accuracy
Project and predict are two different words and your sentence conveys sense of prediction not Projection its not relative !

Correction: One would have to rely on present developments and foresee their better results.
Tense & Degree mistake : One has to rely on present development, have and would are unnecessary it utterly overrules the sentence

Correction: Past of democracy in Pakistan is overshadowed by the long-regimes of dictators.

sound ? Paraphrasing ; Democracy in Past has been overshadowed by dictatorial regimes in Pakistan

Brother I suggest you counsult a competent English preceptor right away, you need to work alot on Formation of sentences, Grammar, paraphrasing and detailing of thoughts
Work on ABC of your English
A= Accuracy
B= Brevity
C= Clearity
A Comma and S makes alot of difference in Functional English which is a pre-requisite of Sucess
I wish you all the best and Invite you to kindly check my Essay and would be thankful If you could help me with my expression

http://www.cssforum.com.pk/css-compu...-evaluate.html

Regards

[irfan_ali]

Seniors plz comment......

Pakistan’s War on Terror and its impact on our psyche and policio-economic-cum –social Fronts
Outline:
1. introduction
2. Is “war on terror” really Pakistan’s war
3. Operations in Swat and its Impacts
4. Preparations for operations in South Waziristan Agency
5. Impacts of War on Pakistani Society
• Economic Cost born by Pakistan
• Rising terrorism in tribal regions
• Deteriorating law and order situation

•  Suicide bombing
•  Insecure public
•  Threat to cricket
•  Melting business activities and de-investment

6. Controversial opinions among common public
7. Soothing the situation and suggestions
8. Conclusion

Points:
1. War on terror has become Pakistan’s own War
2. Strategic alliance with America has exploited the situation
3. Drone attacks are proving counter productive
4. Swat operation brought huge out flux of the people and it has inflicted huge damage to the economic conditions of the people, education infrastructure is destroyed … poverty would breed the germs of terrorism
5. People are ambiguous about the situation, common public don’t have any consensus over the issue, opposite opinions are widely found
6. Sense of insecurity among the people, business activities are suffering
7. Govt unable to control the situation

Pakistan’s War on Terror and its impact on our psyche and policio-economic-cum –social Fronts
Introduction

Looking into the deteriorating law and order situation, economic meltdown and political chaos in the wake of so-called “War against Terrorism”, one would certainly suggest that use of force was not a right decision. Ultimately, these are the common citizens bearing the brunt of the war. Unfortunately, the entire situation is getting bad and insurgency is rising in the tribal regions of Pakistan. Militants are expanding their network and they have straddled the whole region. Slowly they are penetrating into the main cities, challenging the law and order situation. This situation is alarming-- demanding a better vision and strategy to deal with the burning question of so-called “Terrorism”.

The cost of war is much bigger than expected. When it was initiated its long-term consequences were thoroughly neglected. As Pakistani forces entered the tribal region to kill their own people, the whole society resented to this act. It was demanded on every forum to pursue peaceful ways. But, the state didn’t pay any heed to the voice of people and indulged itself in an unending war. Militants who were small in numbers won the sentiments of the common people and expanded their activities. They were exploited by various foreign agencies and so they started guerilla warfare against law enforcement agencies. Consequently, this war has given an unprecedented loss to Pakistan and many sufferings to the common people.

Is there any space for peaceful ways to contain growing militancy in Pakistan? It is a serious question demanding a sensible answer. To find the answer we must see the unexpected and disastrous consequences of Pakistan’s War against terrorism. It has inflicted damage on every front. The innocent people are aroused in the name of Jihad to repel the “aggression” of state forces. Huge funds are diverted from social sector and pushed into the war. Soldiers are forced to kill their own people. Certainly, at such a critical situation any sensible person would suggest to explore peaceful ways and stop use of forces against the tribal people.

If one calculates the economic cost of war, he would find it billions of dollars. One is to realize that how can a state, with already fragile economic conditions and extraordinary defense budget, bear unprecedented cost of “War against Terrorism”. Recently, shaukat tareen has estimated $32 billion annual loss in the context this war. However, there is a negligible compensation of $ 1.5 billions approved by the US parliament. Such a huge cost is virtually sufficient to establish hundreds of universities and hospitals of high grades. (419 words introduction )