Grammar Police
 

I have noticed many junior and average members posting a random write up in order to get it checked by senior members for valuable criticism. I, myself, posted an article of mine, in order to know my deficiencies, of sentence structure, grammar, vocabulary, and expression, with the help of senior members. Its more than two weeks now but i haven't received any comment/criticism/appreciation yet.

I have also noticed some very basic grammatical mistakes which some members make while commenting on this forum. Others avoid pin pointing their errors, maybe, because they fear offense. This would be an open thread to address mistakes for the purpose of correction and collective benefit.

I am opening this thread, for myself and other members, to write a paragraph, statement, comment, on any of the following topic. Other members can point out mistakes of grammar, vocabulary, expressions, sentence structure and punctuations and NOT ON FACTS AND FIGURES. I repeat again, the focus should be entirely on written English, rather than on facts and material.


1. United Nations, its Limitations in 21st century and Future
2. Women in Islam, Pakistan
3. Coping with Terrorism on the table
4. Never Never Never Give up
5. Role of Media in Pakistan and its Limitations
6. Peace Talks with Taliban
7. Problems of Education in Pakistan and its solution
8. PM speech in UNO General Assembly and meeting with Indian counter part.
9. Pakistan, Defense Budget vs Education Budget - Criticize
10."Cream Always comes to the top"

I will soon write a paragraph/article for evaluation. You are also requested to contribute and post your material.

"Cream Always rises to the top"

In our Pakistani society, leg pulling and words of discouragement are often used for counterparts. We have evolved as a selfish community, with the passage of time, and the focus of individuals are mainly on their own self interest. Somehow, the roots of this ill behavior can be accredited to the feelings of competition forced into young children in joint family system. Nevertheless, parents and teachers also, by their negative talks and baseless criticism, creates a negative mindset in individuals when it comes to appreciate someone. This leads to a circulatory transfer of this ill from parents to their children, children to their children and so on. As a result, we can easily see someone with a good intellect or talent, in schools or in organizations, mostly undergoes back biting and is not much liked by others, specially, who are striving to glow their presence and intend to be noticed when playing in ground, participating in class, presenting their ideas to a group. But someone, who is potentially more skilful or talented will eventually be distinguished from others and will be appreciated.

Req: Please pin point the mistakes, or suggest a better usage of word in any sentence.

Please Evaluate
 

Topic : APC and latter linked developments.

All Parties Conference - APC, initiated by the Prime Minister, ended up with a consensus which was to start talks on the table with the leadership of the Pakistani Talibans. PTI Chairman, Imran Khan, also joined the APC, after his demand of separate talks with PM and Army Chief was fulfilled. However, even after the welcoming statement from the leadership of TTP, an attack was observed in the Upper Deer area which killed the Leutinent General of Pakistan Army. Adding more to the fire, TTP wasted no time in taking the credit of the attacks. Following this notorious event by the TTP, some major developments took place which resulted in the anger speech of General Kiyani. PTI chairman Imran Khan, who had been a staunch advocate of peace talks precisely changed his stands. PTI ideology of negotiations are now conditioned with the acceptance of the constitution of Pakistan and Seize fire.

I think APC on the first place was baseless, providing no line of action. It talked about the peace talks but failed to define the strategy, as to, what will be the subject of the negotiations?, To whom and how the talks would be done ?, and to what extent the Government would show flexibility? Prime Minister, Mian Muhammad Nawaz Shareef got a great chance of finalizing the matter to its fuller extent as all the political parties and establishment on board were willing and welcomed the a solution of country's biggest problem. Nevertheless, TTP made the situation worse and jeopardized the talks. After these events, now the government should change its line of action.

Pakistani Government should now put obligations on the part of TTP to surrender and get unarmed. They should also, TTP, accept the constitution of Pakistan and should accept guilt on their part in case of any future attacks between or after the peace talks.

Overall, your sentence structure lacks clarity and coherence..

I will try to make your sentences more understandable here..

[B]"Cream Always rises to the top"[/B]

In our Pakistani society, leg pulling and words of discouragement are often used for counterparts.
[B]- The society in Pakistan is plagued by the use of discouraging remarks and leg pulling.[/B]

We have evolved as a selfish community, with the passage of time, and the focus of individuals are mainly on their own self interest.
[B]- With the passage of time, we have evolved as a selfish community where individuals only focus on their personal interests instead of working for the betterment of the society they live in.[/B]

Somehow, the roots of this ill behavior can be accredited to the feelings of competition forced into young children in joint family system.
[B]- The root of this issue can be attributed to the feelings of competition and animosity between children living in joint family systems. (Please note: When you are saying something like this, it is better to refer to the source)[/B]

Nevertheless, parents and teachers also, by their negative talks and baseless criticism, creates a negative mindset in individuals when it comes to appreciate someone.
[B]- Parents as well as teachers are to blame for the negative mindsets among children since they seldom appreciate what children do.
[/B]
This leads to a circulatory transfer of this ill from parents to their children, children to their children and so on.
[B]- Hence, the negativity is transferred from parents to children and teacher to students alike, leading to negative mindsets among the next generations to come. [/B]

As a result, we can easily see someone with a good intellect or talent, in schools or in organizations, mostly undergoes back biting and is not much liked by others, specially, who are striving to glow their presence and intend to be noticed when playing in ground, participating in class, presenting their ideas to a group.
[B]- As a result, every school in the country witnesses intelligent students being belittled, criticized and bullied by their fellow students and teachers, ultimately destroying their self-esteem and the will to perform.[/B]

But someone, who is potentially more skilful or talented will eventually be distinguished from others and will be appreciated.
[B]- However, there is no doubt that a person who is talented will eventually outshine others. [/B]


COMMENTS:

1. Make your sentences concise by eliminating irrelevant details.
2. Re-read your sentences twice to make sure that they are understandable.
3. Do not use vocabulary with which you are uncomfortable.

All the best.

Have a look on my passage too
 

[B]Pakistan, defense budget vs Education budget[/B]

Our Pakistan is going backward acutely, the reason is the low education standard. One can have a look at the new budget of 2013-2014 and it’s abstruse to elucidate Government strategies. Our Government is burgeoning the defense budget whereas in juxtaposition the education budget seems to be stagnant. Defense budget has been escalated by 15 % which makes 627.2 billion. In contrary to this, our education budget is increased by only 0.1 % which is really woeful. In this epoch where every nation is enhancing their Education standard and industrial advancement our demagogues are spending more budget on Defense, which is of no use. To be frank Government should spend some of the budget for educational purposes, so, our country can strain its education standard to the cliff and can emulate with other countries.

[QUOTE=SPRR;656561]Overall, your sentence structure lacks clarity and coherence..

I will try to make your sentences more understandable here..

[B]"Cream Always rises to the top"[/B]

In our Pakistani society, leg pulling and words of discouragement are often used for counterparts.
[B]- The society in Pakistan is plagued by the use of discouraging remarks and leg pulling.[/B]

We have evolved as a selfish community, with the passage of time, and the focus of individuals are mainly on their own self interest.
[B]- With the passage of time, we have evolved as a selfish community where individuals only focus on their personal interests instead of working for the betterment of the society they live in.[/B]

Somehow, the roots of this ill behavior can be accredited to the feelings of competition forced into young children in joint family system.
[B]- The root of this issue can be attributed to the feelings of competition and animosity between children living in joint family systems. (Please note: When you are saying something like this, it is better to refer to the source)[/B]

Nevertheless, parents and teachers also, by their negative talks and baseless criticism, creates a negative mindset in individuals when it comes to appreciate someone.
[B]- Parents as well as teachers are to blame for the negative mindsets among children since they seldom appreciate what children do.
[/B]
This leads to a circulatory transfer of this ill from parents to their children, children to their children and so on.
[B]- Hence, the negativity is transferred from parents to children and teacher to students alike, leading to negative mindsets among the next generations to come. [/B]

As a result, we can easily see someone with a good intellect or talent, in schools or in organizations, mostly undergoes back biting and is not much liked by others, specially, who are striving to glow their presence and intend to be noticed when playing in ground, participating in class, presenting their ideas to a group.
[B]- As a result, every school in the country witnesses intelligent students being belittled, criticized and bullied by their fellow students and teachers, ultimately destroying their self-esteem and the will to perform.[/B]

But someone, who is potentially more skilful or talented will eventually be distinguished from others and will be appreciated.
[B]- However, there is no doubt that a person who is talented will eventually outshine others. [/B]


COMMENTS:

1. Make your sentences concise by eliminating irrelevant details.
2. Re-read your sentences twice to make sure that they are understandable.
3. Do not use vocabulary with which you are uncomfortable.

All the best.[/QUOTE]

Bundle of thanks.. Your comments are valuable to me and appreciated. Kindly, also comment on my APC write up. It would help me a lot to figure out my mistakes.

[QUOTE=SPRR;656561]Overall, your sentence structure lacks clarity and coherence..

I will try to make your sentences more understandable here..

[B]"Cream Always rises to the top"[/B]

In our Pakistani society, leg pulling and words of discouragement are often used for counterparts.
[B]- The society in Pakistan is plagued by the use of discouraging remarks and leg pulling.[/B]

We have evolved as a selfish community, with the passage of time, and the focus of individuals are mainly on their own self interest.
[B]- With the passage of time, we have evolved as a selfish community where individuals only focus on their personal interests instead of working for the betterment of the society they live in.[/B]

Somehow, the roots of this ill behavior can be accredited to the feelings of competition forced into young children in joint family system.
[B]- The root of this issue can be attributed to the feelings of competition and animosity between children living in joint family systems. (Please note: When you are saying something like this, it is better to refer to the source)[/B]

Nevertheless, parents and teachers also, by their negative talks and baseless criticism, creates a negative mindset in individuals when it comes to appreciate someone.
[B]- Parents as well as teachers are to blame for the negative mindsets among children since they seldom appreciate what children do.
[/B]
This leads to a circulatory transfer of this ill from parents to their children, children to their children and so on.
[B]- Hence, the negativity is transferred from parents to children and teacher to students alike, leading to negative mindsets among the next generations to come. [/B]

As a result, we can easily see someone with a good intellect or talent, in schools or in organizations, mostly undergoes back biting and is not much liked by others, specially, who are striving to glow their presence and intend to be noticed when playing in ground, participating in class, presenting their ideas to a group.
[B]- As a result, every school in the country witnesses intelligent students being belittled, criticized and bullied by their fellow students and teachers, ultimately destroying their self-esteem and the will to perform.[/B]

But someone, who is potentially more skilful or talented will eventually be distinguished from others and will be appreciated.
[B]- However, there is no doubt that a person who is talented will eventually outshine others. [/B]


COMMENTS:

1. Make your sentences concise by eliminating irrelevant details.
2. Re-read your sentences twice to make sure that they are understandable.
3. Do not use vocabulary with which you are uncomfortable.

All the best.[/QUOTE]


I would like to show my gratitude for the time you had taken to evaluate my article in detail. :bow

No worries Mr.Sheikh.

Remember:

1. Never start a sentence with 'But' or 'Because'. It gives a bad impression.

2. Make sure if you use past tense at the start of the sentence, then continue with the same tense throughout the sentence. i.e., I had a feeling this was going nowhere since i had never seen that place before.

3. Avoid lengthy sentences. It should be of max 2-3 lines.

4. Avoid using too many commas in a sentence.

[QUOTE=sheikh87;654490]"Cream Always rises to the top"

In our Pakistani society, leg pulling and words of discouragement are often used for counterparts. We have evolved as a selfish community, with the passage of time, and the focus of individuals are mainly on their own self interest. Somehow, the roots of this ill behavior can be accredited to the feelings of competition forced into young children in joint family system. Nevertheless, parents and teachers also, by their negative talks and baseless criticism, creates a negative mindset in individuals when it comes to appreciate someone. This leads to a circulatory transfer of this ill from parents to their children, children to their children and so on. As a result, we can easily see someone with a good intellect or talent, in schools or in organizations, mostly undergoes back biting and is not much liked by others, specially, who are striving to glow their presence and intend to be noticed when playing in ground, participating in class, presenting their ideas to a group. But someone, who is potentially more skilful or talented will eventually be distinguished from others and will be appreciated.

Req: Please pin point the mistakes, or suggest a better usage of word in any sentence.[/QUOTE]

Dear, you have written a wonderful passage, but you just got derailed from the main topic itself i.e "Cream Always Rises to the Top"
this passage is more like a "demoralizing-culture in our society"
the only thing you wrote according to your topic is the last line.
many an aspirant fail in essay just because of this problem. they think they have written awesome, though, they really have, indeed, yet they fail to realize that their material was mostly not according to the topic.

Same is the case with other questions. just remember, stick to the question asked.

there are some other mistakes too, but they are not as serious as what i just pointed out, according to me.

Hope this would help :)

Please Have a look on mine too
 

[B]Pakistan, defense budget vs Education budget[/B]

Our Pakistan is going backward acutely, the reason is the low education standard. One can have a look at the new budget of 2013-2014 and it’s abstruse to elucidate Government strategies. Our Government is burgeoning the defense budget whereas in juxtaposition the education budget seems to be stagnant. Defense budget has been escalated by 15 % which makes 627.2 billion. In contrary to this, our education budget is increased by only 0.1 % which is really woeful. In this epoch where every nation is enhancing their Education standard and industrial advancement our demagogues are spending more budget on Defense, which is of no use. To be frank Government should spend some of the budget for educational purposes, so, our country can strain its education standard to the cliff and can emulate with other countries.