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Check my outline please!

This is a topic i took from CE-2000 exam. I made this outline, all kinds of feedback/ criticism will be highly appreciated
[B] Title: Advancement in science and technology is gateway for the economic prosperity of a country
[/B]
1) Introduction:
Thesis Statement:
The advancement in science and technology is the only way for developing countries to get substantial economic growth.
2) Historical evidence
a)Example of Japan
b)Example of Britain
3) Current state of science in countries
a)Developed world
b)Developing world
4) How science can help prosper
a)Food cultivation and preservation
i) GMOs
ii) Easy farming: GIS and remote sensing
iii) Farmers education
b)Global Business opportunities
c)Open Source learning
d) Security and counter-terrorism
e) Disease control and vaccinations
f)Transport
g) Environment and sustainable development
Steps to be taken for advancement of Science and technology in the developing world
a) Increase in budget for research
b) Encouraging and promoting scientists
c) Government patronage and promotion
d) Collaboration among developing countries
e) Provision of accommodative environment
f) Infrastructural Requirements
Conclusion:
Science has great potential for progress in modern world. The time has come to put all of our efforts and invest in science and technology. Science would prove to be a valuable asset for the economic growth in developing world.

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would you like to share your introduction paragraph? i want to see how has you managed the sequence of outline in the introduction paragraph.

[QUOTE=Nazish Hina;849198]This is a topic i took from CE-2000 exam. I made this outline, all kinds of feedback/ criticism will be highly appreciated
[B] Title: Advancement in science and technology is gateway for the economic prosperity of a country
[/B]
1) Introduction:
Thesis Statement:
The advancement in science and technology is the only way for developing countries to get substantial economic growth.
2) Historical evidence
a)Example of Japan
b)Example of Britain
3) Current state of science in countries
a)Developed world
b)Developing world
4) How science can help prosper
a)Food cultivation and preservation
i) GMOs
ii) Easy farming: GIS and remote sensing
iii) Farmers education
b)Global Business opportunities
c)Open Source learning
d) Security and counter-terrorism
e) Disease control and vaccinations
f)Transport
g) Environment and sustainable development
Steps to be taken for advancement of Science and technology in the developing world
a) Increase in budget for research
b) Encouraging and promoting scientists
c) Government patronage and promotion
d) Collaboration among developing countries
e) Provision of accommodative environment
f) Infrastructural Requirements
Conclusion:
Science has great potential for progress in modern world. The time has come to put all of our efforts and invest in science and technology. Science would prove to be a valuable asset for the economic growth in developing world.

Sent from my T757 using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]

Add one to two lines under introduction heading in outline. And your thesis is not promising enough. Make it more solid as your argument is not strong enough. I tried my best to develop it before but couldn't help. I ll try again. I mean you may add that there are also other factors but science is the most important one. Like this.

4)[B] How science can help prosper[/B] [COLOR="Blue"][B]developing countries[/B][/COLOR]

a)[COLOR="blue"]Food cultivation and preservation techniques using[/COLOR] __________
i) [B]GMOs[/B] (Avoid abbreviations)
ii) Easy farming: GIS and remote sensing
iii) Farmers education ([COLOR="blue"]Introducing new technologies to farmers[/COLOR] is better heading)
b)[COLOR="blue"]Increasing[/COLOR] Global Business opportunities (Use adjective or adverb to make your point more clear)
c)Open Source learning [COLOR="blue"][B]( What? Make it more clear )[/B][/COLOR]
d) Security and counter-terrorism [COLOR="blue"](I do not think so this suits here)[/COLOR]
e) Disease control and vaccinations
f)Transport [COLOR="blue"][B](Vague heading)[/B][/COLOR]
g) [COLOR="blue"][B]Environmental strategies[/B][/COLOR] and sustainable development [B][COLOR="blue"](Rather make it more technical)[/COLOR][/B]

a) Increase in budget for research
b) Encouraging and promoting scientists
c) Government patronage and promotion [B][COLOR="blue"](to whom)[/COLOR][/B]
d) Collaboration [COLOR="blue"][B](for what)[/B][/COLOR] among developing countries
e) Provision of accommodative environment
f) Infrastructural Requirements [COLOR="blue"][B](Make it more clear)[/B][/COLOR]

Conclusion:
Science has [COLOR="blue"]been proved a[/COLOR] great potential for progress in modern world. The time has come to put all of our efforts and invest in science and technology.[COLOR="blue"][B] Introducing new and useful modes of science and technology will definitely accelerate the economic growth in developing countries.[/B][/COLOR]

I have tried my best to develop your outline in a more effective way and I hope you will get a more clear idea now. However, last but not the least I do appreciate your work. Keep practicing. Good Luck ! :)

Advancement in science and technology is [B]gateway [/B]for the [B]economic prosperity [/B]of a country.

These highlighted words for me are key to writing an engaging essay. Your essay is giving a very one sided view, you have out and out agreed with the statement without challenging it. What is economic prosperity? You need to make your reader aware what the term means, remember such terms are interpreted differently by different people, so you need to first clear the term economic prosperity.

The next one is gateway....is technology the only gateway to economic prosperity? Sometime you need social advancement too to achieve economic prosperity. You need to show your reader you are aware.

By keeping this in mind, your thesis statement can be clearer and to the point. If I had to write a thesis statement, it would be something like this: Advancement in science and technology are one of the key contributors to the economic prosperity of a country in this day and age. But it is not a sole contributor, it needs to be complimented by other advancement i.e. social, educational etc. Furthermore, too much technological advancement may produce a significant side effect i.e. rise in unemployment, machine replaces the workforce. Happened in Industrial Revolution, is happening now as well. So with technological advancement you need to prepare a workforce to match...here you bring in training and education, government policies etc.

See how by concentrating on keywords, you make your essay more analytical, a good essay always has a good amount of analysis. If you look at the above example, I have fully engaged with the question on many levels, I have agreed with it to an extent, I have seen the strengths and weaknesses of this gateway and I have also mentioned how to tackle the said weakness i.e. social and educational reforms.

Here is another tip, instead of thinking of as many examples as you can or as many scenarios as you can, pick a few examples and thoroughly dissect them throughout your essay.

[QUOTE=Man Jaanbazam;849317]Add one to two lines under introduction heading in outline. And your thesis is not promising enough. Make it more solid as your argument is not strong enough. I trie

4)[B] How science can help prosper[/B] [COLOR="Blue"][B]developing countries[/B][/COLOR]

a)[COLOR="blue"]Food cultivation and preservation techniques using[/COLOR] __________
i) [B]GMOs[/B] (Avoid abbreviations)
ii) Easy farming: GIS and remote sensing
iii) Farmers education ([COLOR="blue"]Introducing new technologies to farmers[/COLOR] is better heading)
b)[COLOR="blue"]Increasing[/COLOR] Global Business opportunities (Use adjective or adverb to make your point more clear)
c)Open Source learning [COLOR="blue"][B]( What? Make it more clear )[/B][/COLOR]
d) Security and counter-terrorism [COLOR="blue"](I do not think so this suits here)[/COLOR]
e) Disease control and vaccinations
f)Transport [COLOR="blue"][B](Vague heading)[/B][/COLOR]
g) [COLOR="blue"][B]Environmental strategies[/B][/COLOR] and sustainable development [B][COLOR="blue"](Rather make it more technical)[/COLOR][/B]

a) Increase in budget for research
b) Encouraging and promoting scientists
c) Government patronage and promotion [B][COLOR="blue"](to whom)[/COLOR][/B]
d) Collaboration [COLOR="blue"][B](for what)[/B][/COLOR] among developing countries
e) Provision of accommodative environment
f) Infrastructural Requirements [COLOR="blue"][B](Make it more clear)[/B][/COLOR]

Conclusion:
Science has [COLOR="blue"]been proved a[/COLOR] great potential for progress in modern world. The time has come to put all of our efforts and invest in science and technology.[COLOR="blue"][B] Introducing new and useful modes of science and technology will definitely accelerate the economic growth in developing countries.[/B][/COLOR]

I have tried my best to develop your outline in a more effective way and I hope you will get a more clear idea now. However, last but not the least I do appreciate your work. Keep practicing. Good Luck ! :)[/QUOTE]
Thanks a lot for your time. Although all I get is that my headings should be somehow more specific which is what you should have just said. And why everything seems vague to you, remains a mystery to me.
Of course I agree some points could have been better but ALL of them?
And honestly, I was asking an opinion about how the essay will look if it is written along these lines.
Would it be too much? Does it drift off topic?

[QUOTE=Vegeta;849355]Advancement in science and technology is [B]gateway [/B]for the [B]economic prosperity [/B]of a country.

These highlighted words for me are key to writing an engaging essay. Your essay is giving a very one sided view, you have out and out agreed with the statement without challenging it. What is economic prosperity? You need to make your reader aware what the term means, remember such terms are interpreted differently by different people, so you need to first clear the term economic prosperity.

The next one is gateway....is technology the only gateway to economic prosperity? Sometime you need social advancement too to achieve economic prosperity. You need to show your reader you are aware.

By keeping this in mind, your thesis statement can be clearer and to the point. If I had to write a thesis statement, it would be something like this: Advancement in science and technology are one of the key contributors to the economic prosperity of a country in this day and age. But it is not a sole contributor, it needs to be complimented by other advancement i.e. social, educational etc. Furthermore, too much technological advancement may produce a significant side effect i.e. rise in unemployment, machine replaces the workforce. Happened in Industrial Revolution, is happening now as well. So with technological advancement you need to prepare a workforce to match...here you bring in training and education, government policies etc.

See how by concentrating on keywords, you make your essay more analytical, a good essay always has a good amount of analysis. If you look at the above example, I have fully engaged with the question on many levels, I have agreed with it to an extent, I have seen the strengths and weaknesses of this gateway and I have also mentioned how to tackle the said weakness i.e. social and educational reforms.

Here is another tip, instead of thinking of as many examples as you can or as many scenarios as you can, pick a few examples and thoroughly dissect them throughout your essay.[/QUOTE]
Lovely tips. This is the kind of feedback I was looking for. Of course I am a bit biased towards science and technology and that clearly shows. I was a little blind to see that on my own :p

I wanted to write the definition too. But I read somewhere that the easiest way to put examiner to sleep is to define all the keywords in the essay. So, I didn't. But I'll try it next time

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[QUOTE=Nazish Hina;849361]Thanks a lot for your time. Although all I get is that my headings should be somehow more specific which is what you should have just said. And why everything seems vague to you, remains a mystery to me.
Of course I agree some points could have been better but ALL of them?
And honestly, I was asking an opinion about how the essay will look if it is written along these lines.
Would it be too much? Does it drift off topic?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]

You are welcome. Not everything is vague.
You have just written [B]"Transport"[/B]. How Transport is useful in the development of economic prosperity in terms of Science and Technology? Yes, you may mention [B]Green Technology, A Cheaper and Healthy Mode like Hybrid Cars. [/B]
You have mentioned[B] farming[/B] thing under two to three headings. You should have mentioned it under one heading. Do not focus on one thing only. There are a lot of other aspects.
And I really do not get security thing that how can be it helpful in the development of economic prosperity in terms of Science and Technology?

Other than these I just have suggested you to make things more clear.
Your essay is on the track but it seems single sided. You should introduce all the key factors that play an important role for economic prosperity and then focus on science and technology. I mean outline is what examiner gets an idea about your essay by reading key points. I have just suggested the things to you on your pattern of thinking so that you can grasp the idea more easily.

The other way of writing this topic is by focusing on Pakistan or Muslim countries OR you can also negate the statement by discussing adversities of science and technology. Its all about how much effectively you can build your thesis and support your argument later on.
Good Luck !

[QUOTE=haseebbaloch;849369]replace the position of example of japan and put british first because japan learn from british

secondly add the point of green revolution and boi-technology in food and agriculture headings

thirdly talk about some E-learning which is missing in outline

fourthly the role media or anti-hacking software to curb cyber crime , a valid point

and thanks[/QUOTE]

GMOs ARE bio technology.
Open source learning IS e learning
I don't understand, why would you give feedback when you don't know?

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[QUOTE=Man Jaanbazam;849373]You are welcome. Not everything is vague.
You have just written [B]"Transport"[/B]. How Transport is useful in the development of economic prosperity in terms of Science and Technology? Yes, you may mention [B]Green Technology, A Cheaper and Healthy Mode like Hybrid Cars. [/B]
You have mentioned[B] farming[/B] thing under two to three headings. You should have mentioned it under one heading. Do not focus on one thing only. There are a lot of other aspects.
And I really do not get security thing that how can be it helpful in the development of economic prosperity in terms of Science and Technology?

Other than these I just have suggested you to make things more clear.
Your essay is on the track but it seems single sided. You should introduce all the key factors that play an important role for economic prosperity and then focus on science and technology. I mean outline is what examiner gets an idea about your essay by reading key points. I have just suggested the things to you on your pattern of thinking so that you can grasp the idea more easily.

The other way of writing this topic is by focusing on Pakistan or Muslim countries OR you can also negate the statement by discussing adversities of science and technology. Its all about how much effectively you can build your thesis and support your argument later on.
Good Luck ![/QUOTE]
This is what I was talking about .. Although I wouldn't negate it because I believe science is powerful for the economy and humanity both. But if course, I can add misconceptions. I also understand the outline part. If first impression fails to impress then it'll be hard to win the examiner back.

I meant that science can improve security through advanced surveillance and data of criminals. Which in turn would benefit economy. But obviously it was bad phrasing at its best.

I shouldn't have written so much about farming but I read it recently so I had a lot of information just sitting in my brain so I decided to put it in it. :p Which was stupid of me. Even though I knew that I should answer the question that's asked not, that I would have liked to be asked.
Thanks a lot :cool:

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