Friday, March 29, 2024
06:55 PM (GMT +5)

Go Back   CSS Forums > CSS Compulsory Subjects > Essay > Essays

Essays Essays here

View Poll Results: what marks will you give this essay
10 2 7.69%
9.5 1 3.85%
9 2 7.69%
8.5 1 3.85%
8 2 7.69%
7.5 2 7.69%
7 2 7.69%
6.5 2 7.69%
6 2 7.69%
5 10 38.46%
Voters: 26. You may not vote on this poll

Reply Share Thread: Submit Thread to Facebook Facebook     Submit Thread to Twitter Twitter     Submit Thread to Google+ Google+    
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
  #11  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
rishzzz's Avatar
PMS - S&GAD
Qualifier: Awarded to those Members who cleared css written examination - Issue reason: Css 2010 - Roll no 5865PMS / PCS Award: Serving PMS / PCS (BS 17) officers are eligible only. - Issue reason: 2011 - Merit No. 43
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lahore
Posts: 742
Thanks: 434
Thanked 752 Times in 448 Posts
rishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nice
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arbab.Danish View Post
I wrote the above post only because i though what Vicky meant by saying "intimidating indirectly"
What i understood from those points is vicky was pointing to me for intimidating him indirectly. if he didn't mean that what i understood. then obviously the above post is useless.
i don't know whom he actually addressed by saying indirectly intimidating but
i think that would be his general point.....it will not be related to u

further more if he ll read ur post....he'll definitely clarify wt he meant

regards
__________________
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rishzzz For This Useful Post:
Sarah shah (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #12  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Karachi
Posts: 47
Thanks: 7
Thanked 61 Times in 35 Posts
vicky786 is on a distinguished road
Default

Dear arbab.danish

I was simply expressing my apprehensions, and that is why I always post a disclaimer in the end, I am always worried that how my comments will be perceived by others, and anyone who disagrees can simply ignore my feedback.

The whole purpose of posting an essay online is to get feedback, a feedback most focus on the good and the bad points, I always aim to provide a balanced feedback, my aim is never to discourage anyone.

As far as the comment in question, no offence was taken. As you rightly said that one should be careful in criticizing others as people might take it in negative manner, I was simply stating that anyone who gets offended by my feedback should completely ignore it or point out the flaws in my feedback rather than intimidating me in anyway because I have experienced it in the past.

Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to vicky786 For This Useful Post:
rishzzz (Saturday, January 30, 2010), Sarah shah (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #13  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
rishzzz's Avatar
PMS - S&GAD
Qualifier: Awarded to those Members who cleared css written examination - Issue reason: Css 2010 - Roll no 5865PMS / PCS Award: Serving PMS / PCS (BS 17) officers are eligible only. - Issue reason: 2011 - Merit No. 43
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lahore
Posts: 742
Thanks: 434
Thanked 752 Times in 448 Posts
rishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nice
Default

@vicky

dear i have observed that you are very good at english. So if u dont mind wud you further rectify and highlight my problems
check my precis here i ll try to keep on posting and give me recommendations and suggestions freely without even thinking wt i ll feel czi ll appreciate it
thanx
http://www.cssforum.com.pk/css-compu...tml#post166263


n i ll try to post another essay by correcting my mistakes soon
__________________
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rishzzz For This Useful Post:
Sarah shah (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #14  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Karachi
Posts: 47
Thanks: 7
Thanked 61 Times in 35 Posts
vicky786 is on a distinguished road
Default

Well the basic structure of an essay should be:

  • Introduction
  • Arguments
  • Conclusion
As far as the main body is concerned, always give a chronological account, you can start by saying:

Ever since the inception of Pakistan, the trust deficit has always existed between the provinces due to the imbalance in power, after the sad departure of Qauid-e-azam, a political vacum was created, and as a direct result of the power vacum, power become concentrated in the hands of few Punjabi elitists. Other provinces such as NWFP and Baluchistan were deeply neglected by the elitist group, therefore, the negelected provinces edged dangerously towards underdevelopment, which translated into backwardness and extreme poverty. Conditions such as poverty, lack of oppurtunities and ignorance, all by-products of underdevelopment are precisely the root causes of extremism........

I have attempted to write a paragpraph, which I would use it as my opening argument due to chronoligical importance, I would like to believe that my paragrapgh is coherrent as each sentence further elaborates the previous point. Coherrence is vital when attempting essays or any question to PAK AFFAIRS, CURRENT AFFAIRS, ISLAMIYAT ETC ETC.

You can further develop the essay by pointing the military takeovers by and the impact it has had on Pakistan and how the tragedy was further intensified by the dictators, Zia and his stance to support USA against soviet union, and the impact it had on taliban when USA and Pakistan completely abandoned the regime, and did not take part in rebuliding process. You can further elaborate by mentioning corruption, increase in poverty due to bad governance in the past, they are direct by-products of abusive and incompetent regimes.

In a nutshell, all I am trying to say that follow a chronological order, and point out the signifigance of each event which has made the problem of islamic extremism worse.


I don't think I need to further explain the conclusion part of the essay as it is fairly obvious and straightforward, your introduction is good, it is the middle body of the essay which needs repairing(according to me)

As I keep saying, I am merely expressing my own opinion, If anybody wants to criticize my approach then please do it in a constructive manner.

Thanks,

Last edited by Andrew Dufresne; Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 07:57 AM. Reason: Kindly avoid using red color
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to vicky786 For This Useful Post:
RAKSHAN (Sunday, January 31, 2010), rishzzz (Saturday, January 30, 2010), Sarah shah (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #15  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
rishzzz's Avatar
PMS - S&GAD
Qualifier: Awarded to those Members who cleared css written examination - Issue reason: Css 2010 - Roll no 5865PMS / PCS Award: Serving PMS / PCS (BS 17) officers are eligible only. - Issue reason: 2011 - Merit No. 43
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lahore
Posts: 742
Thanks: 434
Thanked 752 Times in 448 Posts
rishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nice
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vicky786 View Post
Well the basic structure of an essay should be:

  • Introduction
  • Arguments
  • Conclusion
As far as the main body is concerned, always give a chronological account, you can start by saying:

Ever since the inception of Pakistan, the trust deficit has always existed between the provinces due to the imbalance in power, after the sad departure of Qauid-e-azam, a political vacum was created, and as a direct result of the power vacum, power become concentrated in the hands of few Punjabi elitists. Other provinces such as NWFP and Baluchistan were deeply neglected by the elitist group, therefore, the negelected provinces edged dangerously towards underdevelopment, which translated into backwardness and extreme poverty. Conditions such as poverty, lack of oppurtunities and ignorance, all by-products of underdevelopment are precisely the root causes of extremism........

I have attempted to write a paragpraph, which I would use it as my opening argument due to chronoligical importance, I would like to believe that my paragrapgh is coherrent as each sentence further elaborates the previous point. Coherrence is vital when attempting essays or any question to PAK AFFAIRS, CURRENT AFFAIRS, ISLAMIYAT ETC ETC.

You can further develop the essay by pointing the military takeovers by and the impact it has had on Pakistan and how the tragedy was further intensified by the dictators, Zia and his stance to support USA against soviet union, and the impact it had on taliban when USA and Pakistan completely abandoned the regime, and did not take part in rebuliding process. You can further elaborate by mentioning corruption, increase in poverty due to bad governance in the past, they are direct by-products of abusive and incompetent regimes.

In a nutshell, all I am trying to say that follow a chronological order, and point out the signifigance of each event which has made the problem of islamic extremism worse.


I don't think I need to further explain the conclusion part of the essay as it is fairly obvious and straightforward, your introduction is good, it is the middle body of the essay which needs repairing(according to me)

As I keep saying, I am merely expressing my own opinion, If anybody wants to criticize my approach then please do it in a constructive manner.

Thanks,
I took more time for introduction, as i was instructed that mostly examiners read first para to make an estimated mindset about student. Meanwhile i forgot to pay the equal amount of attention in body of essay. Will try to remove flaws in it.

I.a u ll find next one bit productive.
Suggestions are always welcomed
__________________
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rishzzz For This Useful Post:
RAKSHAN (Sunday, January 31, 2010), Sarah shah (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #16  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: islamabad
Posts: 147
Thanks: 150
Thanked 56 Times in 42 Posts
Sabah Hunzai is on a distinguished road
Default my humble comments

Quote:
Originally Posted by rishzzz View Post
Extremism in Pakistan


  • Extremism and present gloomy scenario of bloodshed
  • Uncontrolled violence and implications on the society
  • Historical fault lines contributing to this ‘madness’
  • Wrong interpretation of Islamic teachings
  • Adverse consequences of growing ‘menace’
  • Weak political leadership and foreign intervention
  • Pragmatic solutions to answer the complex theories
  • Need of the hour………. Conclusion


your outline is good, I think if you add some sub-headings under your main head, it will make a good strutured outline.[/

Extremism, “The actions or ideologies of individuals or groups to intensify the situation for gaining some political, religious, social and ethnic advantage or superiority to make others agree on some distinct objective by violating common moral standards” .The fundamental contributions it has made to the country which is already deprived of indispensable stabilities, made the institutions weaker. Uncontrolled violence has had harsh impact on the society ultimately resulting in the form of talibanization, army operations and human rights violations. This gives an opportunity to media to steal the country’s show by sensationalizing events of nature alike. Historical fault lines which have contributed in this madness were several ranging from corruption, poverty and illiteracy to misguidance of Islamic teachings. The adverse consequences of the growing menace has not only portrayed worst image of Pakistan internationally but also invited foreign intervention as threat to nuclear program. The human and financial capital loss, deterioration of democratic system, terrorism and weaker central government are also few images it has developed. These complex theories can be answered to provide much awaited pragmatic solutions by strong parliament, provincial autonomy, economic developments and positive media debate. The need of the hour is to realize the individual as well as collective responsibility and work to harmonize this destructive which will throw Pakistan out of the Glob ultimately.

Excellent Introduction, but while defining extremism you have used inverted commas "..." which means these are not your own words, if so you have to mention from where you have borrowed this definition.
Pakistan is suffering from fierce crisis which has developed as extremism to be true. The current scenario which shows frequent army operations like Swat, Malakand and Waziristan has distorted the lives of citizens. This so called talibanization has been so dangerous foe Pakistan that it challenges our sovereignty and nationhood. The violations of human rights have definitely shown the real faces of dangerous people living in the shelter of innocent Pakistanis. The migrations of large scale added fuel to the crisis by rousing message of another crisis. Media is the auditor of the country’s internal and external moves but it has sensationalized every happening so far, which do not provide any solution to extremism but invite more problems.

just think, whether your paragraph is coherent and it deals only a single idea or more ideas.
also you directly came to the relgious and talibanization, do you think these are the only examples of extremism??

There is no one who can guarantee that the generations which are near to raise their voices, will not be alike. If most of the literate and mature people know the reality, the rest will be affected by the misinterpretations created out of extremist coups. These can be in the form of sympathy, help, followers or support in any form. The looming adversity will not solve any matter unless properly addressed. Because this practice if remained isolated, will urge more capacity to drown the already affected institutions of Pakistan.

[B]this pragraph can further be ellaborated, as you are mentioning the elements which support the extremism, its effects and a hope for future. (three ideas together)[/B]
Historical fault lines have been contributing to this madness. There have been many factors that became causes to extremism since independence. But they grew into worst shape in recent years due to factors like military takeovers and one man policies. Pakistan has suffered many long military spells which have participated in the movement that leads Pakistan from developing nation to underdeveloped nation. With the burden of heavy deficits and debts, wrong policies, mismanagement and vacuum of political leadership, the result are poverty, corruption, illiteracy and disable governments. However, illiteracy will not let people understand the reality of present scenario but it will commiserate the extremist wars.

factors responsible for extremism may well be explained each in separate paragraphs with considerable details and examples.

In the era of cold war, USA used Jihadi organizations against Soviet Union for its political objectives to turn it into Russia. This selfish reality which USA observed at that time, has made Pakistan pay heaviest price in the form of many destroyed colonies, hospitals, schools, cities and even lives. Because Pakistan is a frontline state in the wage of ‘War on terror’. The organizations such as Taliban, Alqaeda and many others ultimately appeared to be known as terrorist organizations. The west hegemony against Muslim world started just after it had achieved its political objectives at the end of cold war. Now it has a long debate and school of thought that who the real terrorists and extremists are.

it would have been better if you mentioned here the history of Taliban creation during the Cold War, that has backfired consquently, I think you wanted to say the same
Is USA fighting against extremists or producing them?


The interpretation of Ulemas has disturbed the harmony in which Islam was being taught, observed, preached and learnt. Madrassahs have been blamed as they produced Jihadi organizations which are real terrorists. This difference in the way of teachings and following Islam has roused the ravaged situation as blood coup. Muslims have divided themselves in sectarian groups Pakistan and they have developed organizations fighting against each other. Shia-Sunni tussle is the biggest example which took thousands of lives, only weakening the internal strength of Pakistan without any privileges. It has nothing to do with the foreign involvement but internal racial obsessions are no more than great enemies of society

There is no danger from outside unfortunately the danger is from inside the Pakistan. (Former President Gen. Pervez Musharraf)

good point but you have to mention the ideological clash existed within our country. ''Liberals and extremist'' or ''Muslim secular state vs Islamic state''

I think you have mixedup terrorism with extremism and also political instablity.

I Liked your english expression.

if you put some extra labour on the struture of your essay, and paragraphs sequencing, I hope you will win the race.

with wishes


words = 2000
my first attempt
i would be highly obliged if you will point out some mistakes
m waiting!!
Regards
Nice attempt, keep going
__________________
Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Sabah Hunzai For This Useful Post:
rishzzz (Saturday, January 30, 2010), Sarah shah (Monday, February 01, 2010)
  #17  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: LHR
Posts: 35
Thanks: 3
Thanked 13 Times in 8 Posts
drastic is on a distinguished road
Default There are some positive points and some lacking areas in your essay.

1st. you have to work hard on your outline.Introducation should be first paragraph of ur essay with logic starting.Try to keep small sentences and clauses in writing essay.
2nd, some grammitcal mistakes have identified like which is used instead of "that".
3rd. Try to be proactive and poistive about your country even in a failur situation. you should show your bright expectations regarding this world phenomena in the essay.
4th. There have been many factors that became causes to extremism since independence This line is full of ambiguity. which independence? reader dont know anything...u r telling him.
5th.spells which have participated ...(spells that have participated) is better or u can add , with which.
6th.The interpretation of Ulemas has disturbed the harmony in which Islam was being taught, observed, preached, and learnt. is line ke samajh he nahi lag rahi..which interpretation?
7th.The concurrent list has yet to be abolished due to which its is reluctant to be seen any provincial autonomy. again structure mistake...
8th, you used passive sentences too much.
9th.Your conculsion is not up to the mark.The reason is in the last prargraph should me nutshell of your all discussion. and dont leave end of your essay in tag questions.
10th. Recommendations are missing.


The best thing of ur essay it is good first attempt. and second thing u mention quotations in your essay...but still need comprehensive approach towards essay writing..


Regards!!!


sorry ager koi baat buri lagi hu...
__________________
A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to drastic For This Useful Post:
RAKSHAN (Monday, February 01, 2010), rishzzz (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #18  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pakistan
Posts: 52
Thanks: 239
Thanked 42 Times in 32 Posts
fluent_20 is on a distinguished road
Default @rishzz

Quote:
Originally Posted by vicky786
Well the basic structure of an essay should be:

Introduction
Arguments
Conclusion
As far as the main body is concerned, always give a chronological account, you can start by saying:

Ever since the inception of Pakistan, the trust deficit has always existed between the provinces due to the imbalance in power, after the sad departure of Qauid-e-azam, a political vacum was created, and as a direct result of the power vacum, power become concentrated in the hands of few Punjabi elitists. Other provinces such as NWFP and Baluchistan were deeply neglected by the elitist group, therefore, the negelected provinces edged dangerously towards underdevelopment, which translated into backwardness and extreme poverty. Conditions such as poverty, lack of oppurtunities and ignorance, all by-products of underdevelopment are precisely the root causes of extremism........

I have attempted to write a paragpraph, which I would use it as my opening argument due to chronoligical importance, I would like to believe that my paragrapgh is coherrent as each sentence further elaborates the previous point. Coherrence is vital when attempting essays or any question to PAK AFFAIRS, CURRENT AFFAIRS, ISLAMIYAT ETC ETC.


I completely agree with vicky786.
the main purpose of the essay is to articulate your knowledge to examiner in chronological order coupled with excellent english. as for as english is concerned , i dont find any flaws in your language.you need to work on presenting your knowledge in sequential order.
secondly , optimistic approach should be adopted.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to fluent_20 For This Useful Post:
rishzzz (Saturday, January 30, 2010)
  #19  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
rishzzz's Avatar
PMS - S&GAD
Qualifier: Awarded to those Members who cleared css written examination - Issue reason: Css 2010 - Roll no 5865PMS / PCS Award: Serving PMS / PCS (BS 17) officers are eligible only. - Issue reason: 2011 - Merit No. 43
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lahore
Posts: 742
Thanks: 434
Thanked 752 Times in 448 Posts
rishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nice
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabah Hunzai View Post
Nice attempt, keep going
Thanks a lot that u found time for me.....i really appreciate that n learnt a lot of mistakes which i will not make for the next time inshallah

The outline factor you told, i used to make a detailed outline with 5,6 headings and 3,4 sub headings each but some seniors told me that its quite an immature activity that you explain everything in outline and didnt leave any interest with the reader, so i went with this outline.....ok i ll add sub headings

I had the details with me regarding history of taliban, cold war, and extremism in pakistani areas and other parts of world and causes in detail but due to time factor i cud not write them despite having a healthy knowledge as i have prepared these topics separately for Current affairs......

Thanx again
__________________
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rishzzz For This Useful Post:
Sarah shah (Wednesday, February 03, 2010)
  #20  
Old Saturday, January 30, 2010
rishzzz's Avatar
PMS - S&GAD
Qualifier: Awarded to those Members who cleared css written examination - Issue reason: Css 2010 - Roll no 5865PMS / PCS Award: Serving PMS / PCS (BS 17) officers are eligible only. - Issue reason: 2011 - Merit No. 43
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lahore
Posts: 742
Thanks: 434
Thanked 752 Times in 448 Posts
rishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nicerishzzz is just really nice
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by drastic View Post
1st. you have to work hard on your outline.Introducation should be first paragraph of ur essay with logic starting.Try to keep small sentences and clauses in writing essay.
2nd, some grammitcal mistakes have identified like which is used instead of "that".
3rd. Try to be proactive and poistive about your country even in a failur situation. you should show your bright expectations regarding this world phenomena in the essay.
4th. There have been many factors that became causes to extremism since independence This line is full of ambiguity. which independence? reader dont know anything...u r telling him.
5th.spells which have participated ...(spells that have participated) is better or u can add , with which.
6th.The interpretation of Ulemas has disturbed the harmony in which Islam was being taught, observed, preached, and learnt. is line ke samajh he nahi lag rahi..which interpretation?
7th.The concurrent list has yet to be abolished due to which its is reluctant to be seen any provincial autonomy. again structure mistake...
8th, you used passive sentences too much.
9th.Your conculsion is not up to the mark.The reason is in the last prargraph should me nutshell of your all discussion. and dont leave end of your essay in tag questions.
10th. Recommendations are missing.


The best thing of ur essay it is good first attempt. and second thing u mention quotations in your essay...but still need comprehensive approach towards essay writing..


Regards!!!


sorry ager koi baat buri lagi hu...
Yes these mistakes are true.....i ve missed them
but recommendations i have made in 2nd last para as solutions.....and yes its my usual miostake i use passive sentences in my spken very frequently, thanx
No i dont mind anything i rather encourage you to guide me more....i ll be obliged
__________________
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rishzzz For This Useful Post:
Sarah shah (Monday, February 01, 2010)
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Pakistan's History From 1947-till present Sumairs Pakistan Affairs 13 Sunday, October 27, 2019 02:55 PM
Jammu And Kashmir Dispute Gul-e-Lala International Relations 1 Monday, September 02, 2019 04:02 PM
A very Brief History of Pakistan: Events, Birthdays and Famous Deaths Surmount History of Pakistan & India 3 Monday, November 02, 2009 12:20 PM
Economy Of Pakistan: An Overview fahad269 News & Articles 0 Tuesday, February 05, 2008 05:17 PM
"The Sino-Pakistani Relationship: From Harmony to Disquiet" MUKHTIAR ALI News & Articles 0 Thursday, January 18, 2007 10:58 AM


CSS Forum on Facebook Follow CSS Forum on Twitter

Disclaimer: All messages made available as part of this discussion group (including any bulletin boards and chat rooms) and any opinions, advice, statements or other information contained in any messages posted or transmitted by any third party are the responsibility of the author of that message and not of CSSForum.com.pk (unless CSSForum.com.pk is specifically identified as the author of the message). The fact that a particular message is posted on or transmitted using this web site does not mean that CSSForum has endorsed that message in any way or verified the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any message. We encourage visitors to the forum to report any objectionable message in site feedback. This forum is not monitored 24/7.

Sponsors: ArgusVision   vBulletin, Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.