in terms of content,i thnk it has all reasonable points to be maintained. but in terms of arrangement, it will be a blunder to maintain terrorism n extremism in connection wd religion as terrorism n extremism has no relation wd religion.so better to maintain terrorism n extremism a security n sovergnity threat..moreover,decline in health n education sector should be elaborated... reaction of media,society n political parties on drone attacks is nt maintained..

Pakistan could never witness the boons of democracy because democracy in the true sense never taken its roots. The true sense means a sustainable and a robust democratic system that promotes political stability, fuels economic growth and improves social harmony in the country. Although, in certain short periods of rule the elected governments struggled to move the wheel of democracy, they met with an outright failure. Some squabbling political leaders, also incompetent, provided space for the military rule, whereas, on the other side ambitious military heads had a predilection for the lucrative jobs of the executive. Both factors accompanied giving way to the military coups. In fact, democratic governments are never allowed systematic growth and gradual evolution, causing abrupt transition in the regimes. Consequently, democracy cannot thrive in the country, and subsequently, the benefits of democracy are not achieved ever.

Historically, many factors have played their part in thwarting democracy. We see that Indian democracy, a country which achieved independence simultaneously, has become endurable, establishing its strong roots in the country. Pakistan’s democracy, however, is fragile and prone to threats. We can compare the democracy of both countries and find out what are the underlying factors. ..............

dear keeping terrorism nd extremism under the sub-heading of religion doesnt mean to relate terrorism and extremism with religion, but the distorted ideologies that have given rise to them.

nice attempt...

exactly.. knowing that such ideologies are absurd n distorted,putting both in such ideology will infer our acceptance to such myth

Roshan, I shall get back to you with a complete analysis of the essay in a while

Essay's introduction is what I call weak. It reads like a summary of the essay. You made sure that all elements enlisted in the outline are at least once named inside the introduction.

Unfortunately, the plant of democracy has not taken its roots deep enough to make the country, “a durable democratic state.” I think there was no need to add comma and then double quotation marks in the end.

Your writing style gets needlessly 'pinchy' by the end of introduction. You went too negative and too hopeless. For instance, Fuelling (fueling) to the fire (I think adding fuel to fire is the right idiom), Government’s indifference towards people and its inability to resolve these problems is mounting frustration among the masses. This frustration is proving venomous and it could derail the process of democracy in Pakistan.

An introduction is a piece of writing that would decide whether the reader (in this case examiner) is going to read your essay with an interest or not. Your introduction lacks that special element. It only seems that you have completed the obligation of writing the 'introduction'.

I have an introduction on the same topic in print form and I shall re-type it here to give you an example of what I am trying to say.

"In Pakistan, the need for establishing a true democracy is as old as country itself. Democracy is one of the fabulous principles of the modern political system. It is the culmination of freedom and progress in advanced countries. In Pakistan, however, the already difficult situation has been aggravated by constant failures which never let democracy survive. The legacies of colonialism and autocratic mindset of the leadership erected invisible barriers for the democratic process. The positive change is still slow, but a bleak past or murky present in no way means a foredoomed future as well. However, colossal efforts at every level are required for democracy to take root and relieve us of our ever increasing catastrophes."

(I don't remember whose legacy these words are; but are from forum. So, I would put the reference as cssforum.com - Games Resources and Information., and I do not intend to own these words. Credit goes to the real owner of these words.)



Compare your introduction with this one. Compare the two endings, see the differences. Thats a true introduction of the topic, no one can dare say that its a summary of the whole essay or outline, as the writing style itself is evident of stand-alone status of the introduction.


I hope I made it a little clearer.

Introduction

Democracy in Pakistan has never been able to take roots in the political culture of country.Ever since the inception of Pakistan,masses have made ceaseless struggle and rendered countless sacrifices to materialise the dream of true democracy in the country.However,all such efforts,so far, have been ruined by one reason or the other.Pakistani democracy is confronted with various threats which range from social and political to the abrupt change in dynamics of international politics.Threats emanate also from the undemocratic cultures of the so called flag bearers of democracy.However threats to Pakistani democracy are complex and multifaceted.Nevertheless,the future of democracy is bright in Pakistan owing to the rising awareness in masses and globalisation.Needless to say,it is inevitable to counter and eradicate such threats to turn country into a truly democratic and egalitarian country as envisaged by the founder of nation.

Conclusion

The growth of democracy in Pakistan has been dismal so far.It has suffered from the friends and foes alike.Democracy in Pakistan is in a state of infancy now.But the establishment of true democracy demands a ceaseless,courageous and sincere endeavours.The demand for true democracy is not only demanded by the tormented and aggrieved masses but also called for by the exigency of prevailing international political scenario.The threats to democracy are many.But all such threats could not not mount a challenge which is insurmountable for people of Pakistan.It is only by eradicating such threats that would enable us to bequest a prosperous and progressive Pakistan for posterity.

Xara Hussain,kindly rectify my paras as well.

Thanks in anticipations.

Democracy in Pakistan has never been able to take (its) roots in the political culture (arena would be a better word) of country. This is not a good opening sentence.




Ever since the inception of Pakistan,masses have made ceaseless struggle and rendered countless sacrifices to materialise the dream of true democracy in the country. But this sentence is self-contradictory. If true efforts were made for 4 decades, democracy should be in much better shape than it is right now. This sentence is usually used by PPP So, change it and make it sound neutral.


However,all such efforts,so far, have been ruined by one reason or the other.
(No sense of this sentence)

Your introduction should start from this sentence; get to the point right in the first sentence or with a sentence or two of little background or contextual preview if required.

Pakistani democracy is confronted with various threats which range from social and political to the abrupt change in dynamics of international politics.(Ok, here you have taken things too general. what do you mean by social, and political? narrow these terms down. be sure you have said what you wanted to say)


Threats emanate also from the undemocratic cultures of the so called flag bearers of democracy(what an abrupt sentence).However threats to Pakistani democracy are complex and multifaceted.Nevertheless,the future of democracy is bright in Pakistan owing to the rising awareness in masses and globalisation(confusing statement).Needless to say,it is inevitable to counter and eradicate such threats to turn country into a truly democratic and egalitarian country as envisaged by the founder of nation. (leave the founder out of essay unless required)

So, overall you have failed to create a symphony of ideas in the form of sentences. sentences despite being an independent entity, must be interrelated in an essay. it shouldn't read like as if an 8th grader has tried hard to accomplish few sentences. There shall be a smooth and relevant flow of ideas.

P.S my aim is not to discourage anyone, but let know the reality. Long way to go! Don't be stressed. Take it easy, sip some tea/coffee while trying to write down an introduction. first few introductions shall be garbage but the later ones come out to be well-polished ones. So, don't lose hope and keep trying

Good Luck.

aik or baat. Introduction is critical in essay writing!