AoA,
hey guys, I am a beginner and i dont know that much about essay writing, neither I know what should be the length and word density of any essay.
i wrote this article for express tribune, it was not accepted. Its ascertain that there are some flaws in my writing but I cant identify them.
It would be a great favor from your side if you can guide me, please seniors have a look on my article and point out some mistakes so that I can improve my writing skill.
Thanks.




HOW ILLITERACY IS DETERIORATING OUR SOCIETY


There are many factors which are jeopardizing our society, from which lack of education is the most known problem. I strongly believe that most of the factors involved in pushing our society to this hovering condition are related to the illiteracy. We can negotiate with it, but before that, we should divide those factors. Some of the factors are enlisted below:
1. Terrorism
2. Unemployment
3. Street Crime
4. Women thrashing
5. Incest etc.

All the above factors are somehow related to illiteracy, you must be thinking how?

So let’s negotiate on the above factors.

1. Terrorism:
One cannot disagree with me that the thinking of an educated person and an uneducated person differs from each other. They aren’t even juxtaposition, let’s say an educated person thinks about the north and an illiterate thinks about the south. This bomb blasting and other terroristic acts are done by unknown persons and most of these unknown persons are rammed to do this in the name of religion. This is ascertaining that most of the terrorists are not educated; an educated person would not do this bomb blasting for the sake of religion. He would know that God never wishes any menace for his creation.

2. Unemployment:
Unemployment is one of the most acute escalating problems in our country. One cannot earn anything for his family and finally he moves towards something which is harmful for society. People are not getting jobs because they are not educated enough. Apart from that an adroit and a literate person can also start his own business or can find some other suitable way of earning for his family where as an illiterate can’t.

3. Street Crime:
No one does it for entertainment; they must have some reason behind it. The reason which I understand is unemployment, people engage in such unmoral and humiliating events are unemployed, they can’t feed their family and they do street crimes like mobile snatching and other robberies. The only remedy seems, is to provide education so that they can get jobs and feed their family.

4. Women Thrashing:
It is really woeful act and is being done in our society. Men beat their wives on daily basis, even on little matters and debates. All they want is to make them feel guilty and infuriate. As far as I have noticed, women working in other homes (maids) and women belonging to other families of same class endure such acts. They have to endure severe punishments of their husbands for being late, for debating before them or for other domestic affairs. This shows that this woman beating factor is more in the uneducated families. Only education can change the narrow mindedness of people and those who are not educated do such acts which is not allowed in our law and also prohibited in our religion Islam.

5. Incest:
We all are enough mature and educated for negotiating this topic here. We have seen much news about incest; this is like a routine for us. We have read it in the newspapers and watched it on the news channels and other TV programs. Have you ever noticed one thing?
This mostly happens in small villages where there is no any provision for education and in some cases if there are some educational institutions, the education standard is really bad there. Hence one cannot get literate there in those villages. These persons have spent their lives in villages and forests; they live like animals without any education and living standard. They don’t even know the status of a sister, daughter and a mother in our society and also in our religion. It is the education which tells us the status of a mother, sister and a daughter and tells us the difference between a spouse and them.

In our Pakistan the education standard is really pathetic; our literacy rate is low and is based on false reports. Our political leaders and Government should work for education rather than spending a high budget on Army and weaponry. They should spend some of that amount for educational purposes and should build new schools, colleges and universities in every small village and city so that everyone can get standard education. Not only building schools but the teacher selection should also be done with transparency so that merit based teachers should come in the field to teach and educate our children.

Though i am not a senior member, but i would point out some of your mistakes for your correction and benefit.

I have to read your essay, again and again, to actually determine the caliber of your writing skills. Your write up is a blend of good vocabulary with poor sentence structure. Either you have been editing your essay in MS word, replacing words with the synonyms, or your have good vocabulary with poor sentence structure and choice of words. Your sentences are complete and without any grammatical mistakes, yet it does not meet the level set by Express Tribune scrutiny team or CSS essay paper examiner.


There are two points i want to make regarding your essay.


1. You use "that" quite often; even where the usage is unnecessary.

hey guys, I am a beginner and i dont know that much about essay writing

please seniors have a look on my article and point out some mistakes so that I can improve my writing skill.

The only remedy seems, is to provide education so that they can get jobs and feed their family.

colleges and universities in every small village and city so that everyone can get standard education.

Not only building schools but the teacher selection should also be done with transparency so that merit based teachers should ....


unnecessary thats

Avoid using "so that". use only "so" and continue with the sentence. "that" used again and again reflects immaturity of the article/essay writer.


2. To be honest, your choice of words is poor; i am not talking about vocabulary but choice of words. You might have adequate vocabulary but your usage of words reflects your average writing skills. You unnecessarily prolongs a sentence. To rectify this area, think hard for more suitable words when writing and be precised. Here are some examples from your above essay.

neither I know what should be the length and word density of any essay.

"neither I know the required length and word density of essay."

As far as I have noticed, women working in other homes (maids) and women belonging to other families of same class endure such acts.

"As far as I have noticed, working women of lower classes endure such acts."


They don’t even know the status of a sister, daughter...

"They are unaware of the status of a sister, daughter..."

It is the education which tells us the status of a mother, sister and a daughter and tells us the difference between a spouse and them.

"Education educates us with the status of a mother, sister, daughter and ..."


I have just replaced your words with more appropriate ones. The words used by me are frequently used in general writing. These errors of yours have nothing to do with vocabulary. In fact, i don't doubt your vocabulary but your choice of words.


I consider it a blessing if someone points out your mistakes before time; i have not been blessed yet with my articles posted in this forum.

I have opened a thread for the purpose of articles/essay evaluation. You can ponder over the errors depicted, and can write further material to be checked by the senior members by posting in the following thread.


Grammar Police

http://www.cssforum.com.pk/css-compu...ar-police.html

__________________
Anything that happens once will never happen again, but anything that happens twice will surely happen again and again

Thank you so much for your valuable suggestions, I wanted someone like you to check my article. I have studied grammar from primary classes, So there are less chances of grammatical mistakes. I have not replaced the words with synonyms in MS word, as I am inculcating vocabulary these days.

I will surely post an other article/essay in a couple of days to be evaluated in your thread.
Thanks again

You can also give me some other valuable suggestions for my essay writing, if you have any !

__________________
Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.