2010 was the first year that i gave CSS exam..rather pushed into giving exams by my family..Being a fresh graduate,having multiple job opportunities, an active social life, and overconfidence on abilities at that time,led to a very non serious, totally chill, 1st attempt..and still managed to pass in 9 out of 12 subjects with good marks.( i wrote an essay on "third gender"... got 12 marks
...it was remarkable by my standards though
)
After my first attempt, i realized that CSS is not just an exam, its a whole new world out there, quite aloof from mainstream, yet having its own rules,norms and culture, somewhat like a secret adventure. So i decided to give my 2nd attempt seriously.
After completing my Post-grad, I joined an academy briefly(didn't work for me
),sat pondering long hours for subject selection, started making notes, searching good books for every subject, exploring the forum everyday(there was such an abundance of useful tips and notes at forum in those days which i find rare now), quitting my social life, foregoing good job opportunities(like Unilever), to put in my best effort for CSS 2012.
Papers went well, but the wait for results was like a torture everyday. Fortunately, i found a job but I considered it a temporary endeavour as in my view, I Was Meant to be CSP. The 9 months till result day were spent day-dreaming about my future as CSP, tear jerking phases of tension and anxiety. Finally, the day arrived, when i came to know that I passed the exam. The happiest day of my life, maybe. The invincible fortress had been conquered. Nothing stands in way of my dreams now. I immediately resigned from my job.
Prepping for psychological and interview tests, going through all the procedures, a very interesting and lively interview with panel, meeting other lucky fellas, listening their stories, seeing hope glimmering in that happy crowd was such a joyous time and the respect coming from family...levelllll. but it all passed too soon. I wasn't allocated.
All that aura, that feeling of being part of an "Elite Cult" came crashing down. The reality dawned on me that time that has passed is in YEARS, not weeks or days, my education was obsolete now, my professional experience inadequate and worst of all, there was severe unemployment. Not just me, but my whole family went into a state of depression, sometimes we blamed GOD, sometimes fate, sometimes myself. The pain of failing at what I had put so much hard work into, has faded since then but not gone.
I gave my 3rd and last attempt in 2014, half heartedly, just to close the chapter of CSS from my life. Now, the task at hand is to come to terms with what life has to offer beyond CSS and without waiting for the result, simply move on.
P.S: my advice to new aspirants: Always calculate the opportunity cost for giving this exam, not just in terms of your own but also your parent's aspirations. Learn to balance CSS prep with other life activities. Do your homework before venturing into this arena. Strategize carefully about subject selection, time allocation, answer pattern. Give exams as soon as you can, and push yourself to give them consecutively. Don't wait for years to go by as this will take away the prime years for career building in other fields. Last of all, stay humble, hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
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Monday, May 19, 2014
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