February 4, 2011
by kalakawa

“Inqilaab aaye ga” (the revolution will come), is an increasingly common refrain in Pakistan these days. By “these days” I actually mean since time immemorial. You see, we’ve been hankering for a revolution for the longest time. We’re not quite sure what we want to revolt against, but we want a big ol’ French revolution up and down the Indus (guillotine optional, but strongly encouraged).

My job today is to organize our myriad revolutionary thoughts into a coherent whole. I will call this treatise “Revolutionary Thinking on A Revolution in Pakistan.”

What kind of revolution do we want? Let’s take some suggestions.

“French style revolution, led by patriotic generals.” Alright Altaf Bhai, thanks for that deeply original thought.

“Islamic revolution to remove all indecency from our society.” Thanks for that Mullah Hazraat. You may put the pitchforks down now.

“KHILAFAT OR DEATH (to everyone but the army.)” No, Zaid Hamid, we’re not listening to your rubbish anymore.

“Less corruption, more Facebook, but let’s ban it sometimes. Less America, but more pirated DVDs of Two And A Half Men, because we only like shitty shows.” Ugh, Facebook warrior. I suppose I’ll have to jot that down anyway to keep you happy. Wouldn’t want you calling me a “haRaMmm XadA” to your internet buddies.

“A coup.” STFU Nawa-e-Waqt Group.

“A judicial coup.” STFU Jang Group.

“I am innocent. Jahez. Ice Cream Shop. Aamir. Sponsorships.” Who let Salman Butt in? SECURITY!

“We will march from Lahore to Islamabad.” For the last time Nawaz Sharif, a leisurely drive on the Motorway in your Land Cruiser is not a march. It’s what Lahori federal bureaucrats call ‘Saturday’.

“A coup.” JESUS Nawa-e-Wa… Oh. I’m sorry army spokesperson I thought it was Nawa-e-Waqt again. Your thoughts are so similar. Chilling.

Well that’s a lot of different things. Let me see if I can compile them into a single coherent thought.

So, a French revolution that removes all indecency while imposing a Khalifa who allows the import of American shows. It would help it was kind of like a coup, and could be done while we just drive from Lahore to Islamabad in our Cruisers.

Good to know.

Revolution Here, Revolution There « Kala Kawa