Who’ll be the next COAS?
 

[B][CENTER][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"][SIZE="4"]Who’ll be the next COAS?[/SIZE][/COLOR][/CENTER][/B]

A list of top 10 candidates for Pakistan’s next Chief of Army Staff

If selecting military chiefs were an Olympic sport, Nawaz Sharif would be at the bottom of the selection list for Pakistan’s representation in the games. He is two for two in opting for generals who dumped him out of the government and has the opportunity to complete as unenviable a hat-trick as you can think of. Keeping this in mind, and the challenges that accompany the post, we have prepared a shortlist of the top 10 candidates that might help the prime minister in the selection process of Pakistan’s next Chief of Army Staff.

We do realise that some of the suggestions might border on illegibility and might seem unrealistic, but with the country traversing a sticky situation, it might be time for the PM to think out of the box. Here are the top ten candidates:

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]10. Ehsanullah Ehsan[/COLOR][/B]

Having been sacked recently, Ehsanullah Ehsan is looking for a new job. With the Taliban threat, and possible negotiations to counter said threat being high on the agenda for the next army chief, who better to take up the military reins than the former TTP spokesperson?

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]9. Najam Sethi[/COLOR][/B]

In the year 2013 Najam Sethi has proved his journalistic credentials by vociferously talking the talk and not paying much heed to walking the walk – perfect really, for Pakistan’s army chief. He has the potential of being the first CCOAS (Caretaker Chief of Army Staff) in the history of the country, and having dealt with complex webs like the Punjab and Pakistan cricket, leading the army should be an easy breezy task.

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]8. Aafia Siddiqui[/COLOR][/B]

Aafiq Siddiqui’s ties with terroristic organisations would tick an important credential for the post, and so would her experience of playing a double game with the US. A degree in neuroscience might help her figure out the psychological functioning of Pakistani politicians, and her familiarity with the terrains of Afghanistan and the North-West of Pakistan would help in answering the Af-Pak question post 2014.

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]7. Zaid Hamid[/COLOR][/B]

Zaid Hamid’s credentials as a military leader were thoroughly discussed on Capital Talk a couple of days ago. His ability to invite the scorn of both the liberals and the conservatives is his biggest strength. The appointment might lead to laal topi becoming mandatory for military personnel as the nation collectively embarks upon the quest of flying the Pakistani flag atop Qutub Minar, raising it in Tashkent and planting it on Jupiter.

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]6. Dr Zakir Nayak[/COLOR][/B]

The ability to follow up with not-so-well concealed lies, after “brother asked a very good question” would come in handy in press conferences and APCs. The tendency to dodge proper challengers would also be of help. Dr Zakir Nayak’s bigoted solution to Pakistan’s religious turmoil would end sectarianism in the country, once and for all. And in case of a military coup listening to him quote the Constitution’s article numbers and amendment numbers would be rather fun.

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]5. Veena Malik[/COLOR][/B]

Bolstering bilateral ties with India are high on the priority list of the PM, and there is no better ambassador of Indo-Pak harmony than Veena Malik. By constantly referring to herself as a bomb, she would also be able create a smoke screen to protect Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal. Once appointed, Veena would be able to flaunt the infamous ISI tattoo sans any inhibitions.
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4. George Alexander Louis[/COLOR][/B]

George Alexander Louis, also fondly known as Shahi Tukra, would be the youngest military chief in the history, and the first Brit since Sir Douglas Gracey to lead the Pakistan army. Having had to deal with mind-numbing media hullabaloo since before his birth, he might be able to mend the military’s unceremonious ties with journalists. And with a 100 percent success rate in fulfilling global expectations thus far, courtesy his birth, George Alexander Louis would feel confident taking up one of the trickiest jobs in the world.
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3. Misbah-ul-Haq[/B][/COLOR]

If there is one man who can deal with the terroristic threat from within, negotiate with the US, ensure peace in the region, pacify the Baloch nationalists, and control the sectarian militants, all without breaking a sweat, it’s Misbah-ul-Haq. He became Pakistan cricket team’s captain following the spot-fixing saga, handles a plethora of conspiracies, manages internal politics, takes on scathing criticism in his stride, deals with brain detonations of the likes of Shahid Afridi, Umar Akmal et al on a daily basis… being COAS should be a cakewalk.
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2. Aamir Liaquat Hussain[/COLOR][/B]

A confidential meeting with his subordinates would go something along these lines:

“Sir what should our line of action be if India prepares itself for a nuclear attack?”

“Tukka lagao Musalmaano!”

The Chief of Army Staff hosting a prime time TV show would be a first.

[B][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]1. Nawaz Sharif[/COLOR][/B]

He is quite possibly the only individual that definitely won’t send Nawaz Sharif’s government packing for the third time in as many attempts. Also, probably the only person who truly understands the current prime minister of Pakistan… except for maybe Kim Barker.

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