Islamic Way of Living
by Dr. Sayed Abdul Wadud

CHAPTER - 5
FAMILY LIFE
Although family life holds a prominent place in the social living of man but in an Islamic Society it is specially important. The shape which the Quran wants to give to the human society in general, begins from home. Accordingly a home holds a society in miniature form which presents a model for an Islamic Social Order.
RESPONSIBILITY OF AN ELDER MEMBER -- According to the Quran, it is the responsibility of an elder to save his family members from the consequences of going the wrong way, as much as he saves himself i.e., he should protect their life and property and not allow them to indulge in bad manners. Thus it is said:
Qoo anfusakum waahleekum naran (66/6)
" O you who believes! Save yourself and your families from a fire."
Described above is the responsibility of a family elder. On the other hand, the responsibility of juniors is to do good deeds, try to reform each other and avoid the creation of inequality amongst themselves.
Note: The word (اَهليكم) in the verse (66:6) includes family members and also your other companions.
(1) HUSBAND AND WIFE
The most close relationship, in a family, is that of a husband and a wife. The Quran Attaches great importances to it. If they are happily related to one another, the life of a family is a paradise. On the other hand, if their mutual relationship is bad, the family life becomes a hell:
Khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwajan litaskunoo ilayha wajaAAala baynakum mawaddatan warahmatan (30/21)
"That He created from you mates from among yourselves that you may live in tranquility and made between you mutual attraction and means of mutual development of potentialities."
Thus a good family is one where love and feelings of goodwill exists between the husband and his wife, and tranquility prevails all around in the family members and where they are all a source of consolation and sweatnes to one another:
Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wathurriyyatina qurrata aAAyunin (25/74)
"Our Rabb"! Grant unto us wives and offsprings who will be the comfort of our eyes."
MARRIAGE -- The Quran guides you t o marry a woman of your choices the one whom you likes:
Fainkihoo ma taba lakum mina alnnisa-i (4/3)
"Marry women (of your choice) who look pleasant to you (in all respects)."
MARRIAGE OF A GIRL -- Both the boy and the girly must be adults at the time of marriage and the consent of both is necessary.
Nobody has got the right to marry a girl without her consent:
La yahillu lakum an tarithoo alnnisaa karhan (4/19)
"O ye who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will."
DIVISION OF LABOUR -- A man and a woman are physically different from each other, by birth. The wife who gives birth to children is mainly responsible for their upbringing and this takes much of her time. Thus to earn the living Becomes the responsibility of the husband:
Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa (4/34)
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women".
Thus the difference in the responsibilities of a man and a woman arises out o their physical and biological difference. It by no means follows that man is superior to woman.
BALANCED LIVING --
waAAashiroohunna bialmaAAroofi fa-in karihtumoohunna faAAasa an takrahoo shay-an wayajAAala Allahu feehi khayran katheeran (4/19)
"Living with them (your wives) on a footing of kindness and equity, for if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good."
Thus man has been advised here, to live with kindness to his wife, but if ever there occurs a point of disagreement between them, it must be borne humbly and one should not get infuriated forthwith. May be that a thing one dislikes, is in fact beneficial for him.
As stated earlier, a man and a woman are equally worthy of respect. Neither a man is superior to woman by virtue of being a man, nor a woman is inferior to a man by virtue of being a woman. Both of them are the wheels of the same cart. That is what is meant by the word (زوج)
Note:- When it is said that to earn livelihood is the duty of a husband, so as to enable the wife to take proper care of the children, it does not mean that a woman is forbidden to work under all circumstances. As a matter of necessity, neither man nor woman are forbidden to do so by fair means.
(2) CHILDREN
To upbring their children is the foremost duty of the parents. Carelessness about their feeding, their health, their education and their upbringing is equivalent to their murder:
Qad khasira allatheena qataloo awladahum (6/140)
"Surely they are the losers who slay their children."
But remember that to acquire wealth by unfair means, so that children may spend lavishly or for building properties for them, is a great crime. Such wives and children who compel men to earn wealth by unfair means are their enemies:
Inna min azwajikum waawladikum AAaduwwan lakum faihtharoohum (64/14)
"Truly, among your wives and children are (some that are) enemies."
LAWFUL LIVELIHOOD -- Thus you must spend, on yourselves as well as on your wives and children, wealth earned by lawful means only, so as to maintain their health education and upbringing.
(3) PARENTS
BEHAVE WELL WITH PARENTS -- The parents look after their children at a time when they are not able to earn their livelihood. But gradually the parents reach the age when they themselves cannot earn anything. It becomes incumbent on the offsprings to behave well with the parents and make good their deficiency:
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan (6/152)
"Treat your parents with kindness."
Old people become nervous, irritable and begin to behave like children. These acts are not voluntary but only are due to effects of old age. Thus old people should not be rebuked for their acts but treated gently:
Fala taqul lahuma offin wala tanharhuma waqul lahuma qawlan kareeman Waikhfid lahuma janaha alththulli mina alrrahmati waqul rabbi irhamhuma kama rabbayanee sagheeran (17/23-24)
"Say not to them a word of contempt, nor rebuke them but address them with respectful words. And out of kindness lower to them the wing of humility and say: My Rabb! Bestow on both of them your means of sustenance, as the did care for me when I was a child."
As long as a child is small. He must follow the guidance of his parents because he is unable to distinguish between his own gain and loss. But when he reaches adult age and becomes capable of distinguishing between good and bad, then he must decide his own affairs. He might discuss matters with his parents, but make his own decisions, because, as the Quran says, their wisdom declines in old age. The parents should not interfere in the matters of their children after they become adults.
(4) ANCESTORS
OBEDIENCE TO ANCESTORS - - We must be respectful to our ancestors but should not follow blindly what the had said in the past. The authority in all matters is the Holy Quran and not the sayings of human beings. All sayings attributed to ancestors must be checked up in the light of the Quran. All that is in consonance with the Quranic teachings is correct and anything that goes against it is wrong. The Quran says:
Tilka ommatun qad khalat laha ma kasabat walakum ma kasabtum wala tus-aloona AAamma kano yaAAmaloona (2/134)
" Those are the people who have passed away. The shall reap the fruits of what they did and you what you do. You shall not be asked about what they used to do."
The Quran says that is how the non-believers behaves:
Wa-itha qeela lahumu ittabiAAoo ma anzala Allahu qaloo bal nattabiAAu ma alfayna AAalayhi abaana…(2/170)
"When it is said to them, 'FOLLOW what Allah has revealed'; They say: 'Nay! We shall follow the ways of our fathers".
It means they are determined to follow the ways of their forefathers, even if they go against human intellect or even if they go against the Quran. This is a wrong attitude. We must decide everything under the guidance of the Quran and avoid all that goes against it, even if it had been practiced for a long time in the past.
(5) RELATIVES
The Holy Quran has ordained a good behaviour not only with parents but also with relatives:
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan wathee alqurba (2/83)
"Treat with kindness your parents and kindred".
Man inspite of his liking for wealth, must render monetary help to the kindred when required.
(6) EMPLOYEES
Good behaviour is ordained not only with the parents and relatives but also with those who work under you:
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan …… wama malakat aymanukum (4/36)
"Do good to your parents and those under your command."
But it is also incumbent on an employee to work diligently and honestly:
Inna khayra mani ista/jarta alqawiyyu al-ameenu (28/26)
"Truly the best of men for you to employ is the (man) who is strong and trustworthy."
(7) NEIGHBOURS
You must also render kind treatment to your neighbours, who may be your relatives or otherwise,
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan …. waaljari thee alqurba waaljari aljunubi (4/36)
"And do good to your parents -- and to neighbours who are near and neighbours who are strangers."
As stated earlier in Chapter 4, do not enter the house of neighbours without permission and turn back, if permission is not given and do not take it ill.
(8) FRIENDS
Render kind treatment to your friends as well:
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan …. waalssahibi bialjanbi (4/36)
" And kind treatment to the parents -- and the companions by your side."
But make friends only with those people who agree with you ideologically and who are gentlemen. As a matter of principle you must keep it in mind that person who is adverse to the Quranic ideology, shall never be friendly towards you:
La yattakhithi almu/minoona alkafireena awliyaa min dooni almu/mineena (3/28)
" Let not the believers take, for friends or helpers, unbelievers rather than believers."
Even if they are your parents or brothers:-
La tattakhithoo abaakum wa-ikhwanakum awliyaa ini istahabboo alkufra AAala al-eemani (9/23)
" Take not your protectors, your fathers and your brothers if they love disbelief rather than belief."
Thus real relationship is that of ideology; blood relation is nothing as compared to it. But as stated earlier, justice and kindness must prevail even when you deal with unbelievers. Never be unjust to anybody, may he be a believer or an un-believer.
(9) ORPHANS
It is of utmost importance to look after and cherish those who are left alone in a society and there is nobody to take care of the. According to the Holy Quran nations which do not do so, are doomed:
Kalla bal la tukrimoona alyateema (89/17)
" Nay! (This humiliation comes) that you honour not the orphans."
It means that you should not only take care of the orphans by also honour them, as if you honour your own children and relatives. You should never look down upon them:
Faamma alyateema fala taqhar (93/9)
" Therefore treat not the orphans with harshness."
It should never come into their minds that they are being fed on charity. Their food, dress and upbringing should be managed in such a way, as if they are own children. In case they own some property it must be looked after carefully and when they reach adult age, it must be returned to them honestly:
Wala taqraboo mala alyateemi illa biallatee hiya ahsanu hatta yablugha ashuddahu (6/152)
" And come not near the orphan's property, except to improve it, until he attains the age of full strength."
Note:- The word (يتيم) does not only mean an 'orphan', anybody who is left alone in the society is termed 'Yateem' by the Holy Quran.
(10) NEEDY
The Quran does not only ordain kind treatment to orphans but also to all those who are (مساكين) needy.
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan ……….. waalmasakeeni (2/83)
" Treat with kindness your parents ….. and those in need."
As stated earlier, a portion of the earnings of a Muslim belongs to those who are unable to meet their daily requirements of life or those who are not physically fit to earn:
Wafee amwalihim haqqun lilssa-ili waalmahroomi (51/19)
"And in their wealth is the right of (the needy), those who ask for it and those who (for some reasons) are prevented (from asking)."
It means that although they are not physically fit to earn, yet their feelings of self respect prevents them from asking for help.
The Islamic Social Order demands that the necessities of life of any individual in the society do not remain unfulfilled. The on who possesses more than his needs must pass it on to those who are needy. The, the Quran ordains the believers not to look down upon those who are in need:
Waamma alssa-ila fala tanhar (93/10)
" Do not drive away (with contempt) the one who asks for fulfillment of his needs."
BEGGARS -- But, on the other hand, we find so many healthy and stout beggars wandering about here and t here, even entering houses without permission., These are not the people who come under the heading (سائل) needy. The Quran has clearly described those who are in fact needy:
Yahsabuhumu aljahilu aghniyaa mina alttaAAaffufi taAArifuhum biseemahum la yas-aloona alnnasa ilhafan (2/273)
" The ignorant think, because of their modesty, that they are free from want. You shall know them by their (unfailing) mark. They beg not importunately from all and sundry."
These are the people whose needs must by fulfilled, but not those of professional beggars, who form a class of idle and disrespectful people.
On the other hand, to fulfill the needs o those who deserve, must not be made a matter of show. Remember that to, do so, is a duty imposed upon you by Allah:
La tubtiloo sadaqatikum bialmanni waal-atha kaallathee yunfiqu malahu ri-aa alnnasi (2/264)
"O you who believe! Render not vain your charity, by reminders of your generosity or by injury - like the one who spends his substance to be seen by people."
As compared to this act of show, it is better to refuse it by kind words (2:263)
(11) WAY-FARERS
The believers are required, not only to meet the requirements of those needy persons who live nearer to them but even those way-farers whose real needs become blocked during travel:
Wabialwalidayni ihsanan …….. waibni alssabeeli (4/36)
"And do good to parents ……. the way-farer (who are needy).
RIGHT OF A WAY RARER-- A needy way-farer has got as much right on your substance as your relatives. Because, according to the Holy Quran, the entire humanity belongs to one brotherhood, all people are the branches of the same tree. One may belong to your own locality or country he may be Muslim or a non-Muslim, he may be your relative or not, if he is really in need of your help, you must help him. This help is not by way of charity but it is a matter of their right:
Waati tha alqurba haqqahu waalmiskeena waibna alssabeeli (17/26)
"And render to the kindred their due rights as (also) to those in want and to the way-farer."
For all that is paid to those in want, the work 'charity' is generally used. The one who pays often feels himself superior to the one who is paid ad the latter not only feels himself inferior to the donor but is at the same time looked down upon by others.
The Quran, however, changed the entire concept of alms-giving when it ordained that the poor and needy have a right in the wealth of the rich. The wealthy pays to the poor only that which is due to him and the poor receives it as a matter of right. Thus neither the donor feels proud of it, nor the recipient feels humiliated. But it must be borne in mind that these injunctions of the Quran are meant for a period when an Islamic Social Order has not yet been fully established, because after that it becomes the responsibility of the Islamic State to fulfil the wants of the individuals.