Problems regarding Haqq Mehr

[Zoyee]

AOA to all,

Hope you all people will be fine by grace of God, I want to raise a serious social issue here, its regarding Haqq Mehr (dower). Although i had discussed general discussion about Haqq Mehr few days back, but now i am sharing a case study with you people. Its story of a girl, who face Haqq Mehr as a problem just few days before her marriage, read it and answer her give your valuable suggestions. Keep in mind that we all know Haqq Mehr is not fixed from Islamic sharia its solely woman's right. Waiting for positive, rational, logical participation.

Here is that girl's voice:


Can someone please shed some light on what I am supposed to do and what my rights are? Also, if there are any reliable books one can recommend regarding the topic I would be grateful because I am extremely confused and worried.

I got engaged in Dec 2007 (wedding was delayed a couple times). Before the engagement, my father asked my fiancé to sit down and discuss the matter of mahr with him. My fiancé refused any discussion regarding mahr whatsoever saying that he had relinquished that authority over to his father (my future FIL). Therefore, my father went to my FFIL and they had dialogue regarding mahr. The father’s side of my family always sets the same amount for all the girls to be paid throughout her lifetime (deferred payments) in any form – jewelry, money, property, etc. This has been going on for generations. I believe it is called mahr al-mithl? At first, my fiance’s father was not happy with it but later he reluctantly agreed. My fiancé was sitting there as well. My father would not have agreed to this marriage had this agreement not been made and he made that clear. In addition, he told my fiancé and his family that he had been to weddings before where the mahr had been set beforehand and, come time for the nikkah, the groom decides something else and he did not want this type of scenario to occur. His family laughed it off and assured my father it wouldn’t.

Now, I am a couple weeks away from my wedding. The halls have been paid for, arrangements are complete, and my family from all over the globe have bought plane tickets Now, I am a couple weeks away from my wedding. The halls have been paid for, arrangements are complete, and my family from all over the globe have bought plane tickets to attend my wedding. Today my fiancé calls me and says he needs to speak to me regarding the mahr. He tells me that he is not comfortable with what my mahr is set at and says he may have made an error when he relinquished his right to decide on it to his father. He continues to tell me that he would now like to change it to 1/3 of what it is set at and addition wants to add past gifts to that total. I was completely content with what my father set my mahr as. It is a deferred mahr and I do not believe that it is an excessive sum that cannot be paid throughout a life time. I, fact, I have student loans that far exceed the amount the mahr was set at. Besides, not only was he sitting there when the mahr was agreed upon and not protest, nearly 1 ½ years has elapsed since then and our nikkah is right around the corner. I also thought that once the mahr was decided upon that it became binding and couldn’t be changed (or is this only after nikkah it can’t be changed?).

Now I feel pressured. My fiancé is saying if I don’t change the mahr he will never have any respect for my father for having set that amount, and if I cared for him at all and I wanted to marry him I would change it to make him happy. I am worried because my father agreed to the wedding after all his conditions (the mahr, me being allowed to finish my studies, etc) were met. Can my fiancé do this? I feel that maybe him and his parents agreed initially only knowing that they would say they want to change it when time came closer to the marriage and when they felt I was stuck. In fact, he has told me that there is nothing that my parents and I can do if he wants to change the mahr amount because it is now too late for my parents to turn around and cancel the wedding and IF we don’t agree to the amount he wants to give then he will walk away leaving my parents having had already paid for the wedding expenses.




Regards,

[sana_krn]

well this is not purely a mehar issue in my view we ppl made mehar ana ka masla is the whole issue becz as far as i have studied law and ilsam i can tell u something for determining the amount of dower we have to see certain issues like current family financial status, the financial predisposition of your intended spouse, the mehr of other members of your family and peers, religious components of compatibility, etc. Marital rules derived function as guidelines from hadiths to protect the interests of woman and the institution of family.
Although the Quran does not stipulate a fixed amount. The minimum amount derived from hadith remains 10 dirhams. The minimum amount is not fard due to the Quran not stipulating a fixed amount. Thus, this amount would be part of sunnah (wojoob) as interpreted by masters (fuqaha) of religion.

4 and 5) The best nikah is that nikah which does not place a burden or hardship on any party. If Allah has blessed woman to receive the amount that was stipulated for the daughter of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu alayhi wasallam), then this amount would be part of a marital foundation built on sunnah. This mehr is called Mehr Fatimi. Rasulullah loved Sayidinah Fatimah (RA) greatly, just as every father should love his daughter. If He (Sallallaahu alayhi wasallam) chose this amount, having this part of our nikah would function as blessed sunnah and blessed foundation to the institution of marriage.

It is very clear that minimum amount of mehr is decided but no maximum amount s decided by ahadis and i think mehar is purely an issue between husband n wife no other should decide mehar.

If your parents like your intended spouse and matter is strucked just becoz of the mehar issue, without telling them, you can convince ur future hubby to accept the higher stipulated amount of mehr. Upon marriage you are welcome to give it back to him as a gift from your side. (Is there a woman that would do this? Added to the mix, what type of real man would take a gift back once it has been given to his life long partner?!)

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

[Flavia]

I think both ethically n morally speaking, the actions of the fiancée r totally wrong n unjustified...nonetheless as the nikkah has not been performed yet and there is no binding contract here..so the guy can request a mehr which according to him is more reasonable...and the girl has the right to accept or reject it...still i feel that the way he is blackmailing the girl is deplorable...

In my personal opinion the girl shud agree to his demands if they r justified and the financial conditions of the guy doesn't permit him to fulfill this obligation and the amount seem like a burden to him...but if he is financially well off n can easily pay off the mehr then i think the girl shud put her foot down if the amount of mehr is really important to her because if the guy is shirking away from his responsibilities even before the wedding and is proving that his word is not to be trusted then i believe that the girl is better off without marrying this guy...it wud save her from a life time of heart ache in the long run...n also its her life, the decision to marry the guy shud be based on reason n logic n not on how inconvenient it wud be for her relatives who wud have to cancel their flights ...also she shudn't be focusing too much on her family legacy of mehr...coz its not written in stone...its just a tradition which shudn't be followed if it is the cause of any such problems...

[Zoyee]

Origionaly posted by Flavia
I think both ethically n morally speaking, the actions of the fiancée r totally wrong n unjustified...nonetheless as the nikkah has not been performed yet and there is no binding contract here..so the guy can request a mehr which according to him is more reasonable...

You are right but it would be better that if he could have approached that girl's father about this issue. That would be the more mature way to handle this issue. Even if that girl tried to talk to her father into changing the mehr..........her father will not listen and plus he'll be able to figure out that her fiance pressurized her to do so.

Origionally posted by sana krn
If your parents like your intended spouse and matter is strucked just becoz of the mehr issue, without telling them, you can convince ur future hubby to accept the higher stipulated amount of mehr. Upon marriage you are welcome to give it back to him as a gift from your side. (Is there a woman that would do this? Added to the mix, what type of real man would take a gift back once it has been given to his life long partner?!)

See, that guy have not talked to that girls father directly, He threatened her that if she will not convince her father then marriage'l be called off. Is'nt it black mailing?? If he can not afford that Haqq Mehr then he could tell that girl's father at the time when they were fixing that amount because He was present there.

It is very clear that minimum amount of mehr is decided but no maximum amount s decided by ahadis and i think mehar is purely an issue between husband n wife no other should decide mehar.

That girl's father fixed that amount keeping in mind the practices of his own family that is called Mehr Mithal (customary dower).


Regards,

[hafiz ishtiaq ahmad]

according to the situation of this problem this is very serious problem but a very easy and authentic solution is presented here

first of all according to islam mehr(dower) is a gift which becomes payable to wife immediately after marriage, It is not essentially to be money but can be any valuable thing like property, ornaments or anything else which is agreed between the Muslim marriage partners.

secondly, according to quran sura nisa,(ayat4)
And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, Take it and enjoy it with right good cheer.
it means this is must for every man to give haq mehr, but if his wife gives him relaxation then this is another case

thirdly no minimum or maximum amount is fixed in this case. only depend on
both families.

forthly, according to my understanding in your family all decision are in hands of your parents, and custom of marry within family is dominent, your father mustly want that your marriage should be with your fiance, with his conditions no any other option is present, you are also bond and not able to take any decision

in this case only one solution, according to this way your all problems
may be solved.

talk with your fianc directly, or send him a message throw a proper channel(throw those person who cannot create any tention or confusion) that he gives his agreement according to your father decision in haq mehr matter
at the same time you can make a
promise or make a astam according to which you will leave 2/3 of your haq mehr after marriage

remember your all acts should be only for hapiness of god and his prophet

i hope after your this act you may live a happy life with your fiance

he will give respect you always,

[DEADLYDOCTOR]

q.1 is mehr now said by fiance above minimum limit?
q.2 is mehr such an issue for the girl?
q.3 is there some serious problem between families?
q.4 both have equal rights,girl has the option to walk out of the marriage if she feels its not right. can she?
q.5 is it issue for father of girl?
q.6 are fiance and his family members a problem?
q.7 is booking of halls or paying halls more important than relation?

after girl answer such questions,she will find the real answer.
she is worried about her future that she may face problems.fiance can do it. and if he has written in nikkah(if nikkah took place),then he is bound to pay. but if not he can change at any moment.
marital issues are not that easy and involves 2 families and there is always 2 factors in it distrust and ego.
as fiance has made clear his views.is girl asking for a break-up if she can?its a decision she is asking for.she has to see what is right for her and her family.
this seems to be a social issue not an islamic one.
girl are not liked or have to face difficulty in or society once engagement ends after such period.she has to look all aspects.
may be haq mehr is not that big issue and she can compromise. can she have happy life with that man? this is the question she needs to ask herself.
what about her father's view about this issue?
solution: take a deep look at this issue. leave ego and distrust problem aside. think what is better?what about her parents decision?take a decision which is best for life.