salam brother
the main problem,it seems to me is that you have written the main passage by yourself.It would be much better if you take passage from some classic work,such as books of Russel or Bacon.It is generally recommended that the paragraph for precis should be unfamiliar,at least for practice.Moreover the main passage lack coherence.It should be 'Englishmen' instead of Englishman and so on.Come up with a suitable passage and i will be glad to check that for you.