my dear u wrote a good paragraph. i think u must concentrate on organization of the paragraph (or essay , whatever u are writing..) and try adopt holistic approach, ie whenever u discuss a social issue, discuss it from all angles of society ie through every insititution of society (ie family, economy, politics, religion, education etc..)
Please buy the following books:
1. Popular Paragraphs and Essays by Prof. Iftikhar Ahmad,
2. English Essays by Rashid Ahmad (u ll find it from old book shops..)
these books ll help u alot


regards
dua may yaad rakhna...