Dont use big words. Right of the bat you used plethora. You spelled it correctly but used it wrong. "Plethora is usually written as a plethora of, and even though it is singular, it implies a plural". is = incorrect. Are would be relevant.

2nd sentence doesnt make sense. "While near some other people" is mixing 3-4 different sentence starters. Use "While to some" "According to other people" etc.

3rd sentence is correct. You've handled a long sentence well and have jumbled two-three items in it. But during the exam, under severe pressure, you might not be able to handle such long sentences. Stick to shorter or medium length sentences.

4rth sentence. "Rather, he demands..." or use "Instead", "In its place" etc
Evidence is usually considered as uncountable. Specialist use evidences. Beliefs pehlay use hoa tou ab phir use kro.

Overall, better than average attempt. But minor mistakes bring your score down significantly. You can easily overcome these. Also write number of total words, 1/3 words, and precis words heading after the Precis Title line. Make it a habit before sitting in the exam hall

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