Here are few minor errors which I came across while reading your essay again:
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Too much thinking and no action make life dull and tedious thus taking away its spirit of passion and excitement.
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make
s life dull
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Certainly the condition of the most passionate enthusiast is to be preferred over the individual who, because of the fear of making a mistake, won’t in the end affirm or deny anything.
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Insert comma after certainly. Words like however, consequently, certainly, therefore and blah blah precede with a comma.
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In Thucydides’ words enthusiasm is the hallmark of a living man as he says, “The ability to understand a question from all sides meant one was totally unfit for action. Fanatical enthusiasm was the mark of the real man”
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End the sentence with a full stop after inverted comma.
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Enthusiasm is the energy that reveals man’s hidden abilities at the time of a crisis and never lets man loose his courage in face of troubles and difficulties.
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According to me, it should be
at the time of crisis.
Had this been written by a real novice I would have been able to pinpoint more errors. Honestly speaking, I didn't find any major damage in your language. You have a strong grip over English, Mash-Allah. There might be few more grammatical errors but, since I am not an expert, so can't figure them out. Like I said in my previous post, keep reading grammar books and solve exercises. You'll come across your weaknesses. That's all what I can say!