It's a good attempt. But there are certain errors that I found in it. Firstly, you just wrote "introduction", but where is it? How would one know what's on your mind? Write an introduction so that respected members would grade you better. Similarly, also instead of writing a "conclusion", write one. Secondly, many points of your outlines are of just one word. This is wrong. Merely, reading it, the examiner won't have an idea about the paragraphs. You should write interesting headings so that it would entice the examiner to read your essay.

Apart from this, please avoid using "netspeak".

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