This is good piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it. But it seemed to me a 'story' rather than an 'essay'. Anyhow I have read your other essay on literacy also. Your style of writing is smooth and well balanced. I suggest you to study essays written by Bertrand Russel. For example you can consult the book "unpopular essays" by Bertrand Russel. This book is included in syllablus of MA English literature so it is easily available from market. Russel writes in very smooth, simple, clear and stylish manner. This book can be helpful in bringing some extra improvement in your own writing style in a very short time period. Second thing is that try to write some more lengthy essay. Third thing is that avoid writing in seriel wise points in essay which you did in other essay. Instead of giving points, you can write the material in different paragraphs.

Thanks!