AOA

Although I am not a senior but I would try to valuate your Intro on the basis of whatever experience I have accumulated throughout my career,

Bro for a start I have been observing your tendency of putting wrong word at the right place for instance - Indulge ( according to literary know-how Indulge is used for negative practices) like famous and Notorious both are same words but convey different meanings, casting a glance over your sentence I rather you use word facing trouble- faced with trouble , be precise

Bro this is Just a creative activity not a sarcastic one

Coming to your sentence structure :
use of articles : dont use "One Lesson" instead "a lesson" as this delineates your lack of proficiency to the examiner, be Accurate

Correction : challenges which have undermined the growth of
: Challenges which has undermind the growth of democracy

Strike balance on Tense formation
History of democracy in Pakistan is not so attractive that one can project it in future.

Is not as attractive that one can predict it in future : accuracy
Project and predict are two different words and your sentence conveys sense of prediction not Projection its not relative !

Correction: One would have to rely on present developments and foresee their better results.
Tense & Degree mistake : One has to rely on present development, have and would are unnecessary it utterly overrules the sentence

Correction: Past of democracy in Pakistan is overshadowed by the long-regimes of dictators.

sound ? Paraphrasing ; Democracy in Past has been overshadowed by dictatorial regimes in Pakistan

Brother I suggest you counsult a competent English preceptor right away, you need to work alot on Formation of sentences, Grammar, paraphrasing and detailing of thoughts
Work on ABC of your English
A= Accuracy
B= Brevity
C= Clearity
A Comma and S makes alot of difference in Functional English which is a pre-requisite of Sucess
I wish you all the best and Invite you to kindly check my Essay and would be thankful If you could help me with my expression

http://www.cssforum.com.pk/css-compu...-evaluate.html

Regards