Dear amubin it is very good try. Keep it up.

Please try to improve your grammer structure alongwith enhancing your expresson skills, for which you need to read good articles in newspapers and good books. If you are appearing for CSS-2010 thn dont roam around in search of good books and concentrate on newspaper articles.

I have tried to improve your paragraph as under:

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RELIGION IS THE ONLY FORCE THAT CAN KEEP PEOPLE TOGETHER
BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE FAILED TO DO SO IN OUR COUNTRY

"Over annals of history I have found that it is the only power of Islam, which united Muslims in their difficuilt and hard times." - Allama Iqbal

It is an undeniable fact that Islam is a complete living code providing guidance on every aspect of human life. Islam teaches us peace, harmony, unity and cohesion, so that Muslim folk can be yoked together in an unbreakable bond (brotherhood and akhoowat). It is narrated from AnHazrat (PBUH) that Muslims are like bricks in a building, wherein agony and pain of a unit is felt in every nook and corner of the building and every Muslim rushes to help their distressed brethren. However, it seems that Islamic concept of unity have failed in our beloved country Pakistan, which was achieved on the name of Islam so that Pakistanis will live their lives in peace and tranquility as per its pristine injunctions. Quaid-e-Azam Mohammad Ali Jinnah, in his historical speeches, explicitly said that this country Pakistan is created so that we can experiment Islamic concepts and beliefs in befitting manner safeguarding interests of every minority. But we have forgotten Islamic concepts and beleifs and divided ourselves into castes, creeds and sects, which have created disparity and anarchy in the country. We have set aside the beautiful massage of brotherhood and a Muslim is killing another Muslim on the name of religion and trying to enforce one's own blend of Islam, which-in fact- has nothing to do with the essence of Islam. Nonetheless, it is not late even now, if we want to have peace and prosperity in our beloved country then we must follow beliefs and guidelines given by Almighty Allah in shape of Islam....

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'Thee woh ik shakhs kay tasawar saay - abb woh ranayee khayal kahaan'