@ bunko, first of all try to improve your expression and learn usage of punctation, for example you have used semi-colon indiscriminately.

secondly, the examiner is asking for islamic concept to the context of our country, so confine your sentences to these things. You have started your para from religion as a whole and in later sentences mixed many different things, which is giving an impression of badly cooked haleem. Good mixture can be good haleem and tastes good but bad mixture of things tastes sour, therefore, you must used accurate words e.g. bewlidering difficuilties, ilicit acts, prohibited things, knowledge of religion (we need knowledge as well as practice), machine example, religion is two eyes of man etc. these all words were either not required in your paragraph or were placed wrongly.

thirdly, you must have to conclude our paragraph properly. This is not a good conclusion/end:

""In a nutshell, Religion is two eyes of a man to stand beside co-religionists as a force against a common enemy.""

sparkofighter has also guided you well.

Hope you will try to improve paragraph writing.

Best of luck.

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