Hi,
I ve gone through ur essay and i found it a very mature attempt.your essay is very composed,systematic and rhythemic.You covered almost all the aspects of the topic.However,i would add to it as there is always room for improvement.
One basic cause of failure of democracy in Pakistan is the lack of education and awareness among its masses.This aspect should be highlighted.

Secondly,u ve very rightly talked about feudalism and its adverse effects on the growth of democracy in Pakistan.Here,u may refer to India where their leadership came up with the much needed land reforms and it eventuallly led to the abolition of feudalism in the country.However,in Pak.land reforms always remained an unfulfilled dream and no leader could deliver in this regard.Land reforms announced by Ayub and Bhutto were not meant to abolish feudal culture and the mechanism of their land reforms only helped the continuation of the status quo.

One other main reason is the lack of pol. parties in Pak.yes,the lack of political parties.Infact,we never had got pol.parties in the country.Here,i find no issue in critisizing the Muslim League(original) that had never enjoyed a democratic culture in its very roots.Even today,one can hardly find a pol. party with true democratic values.Personalization and family politics characterize the nature of our pol.parties.
Any how,i found your essay brilliant and keep it up.best of luck
with regards
ASAD