Quote:
Originally Posted by asmapices
salaam dear all.....here is my first expansion of idea.plz assess my attempt and tell me is it up to the mark with respect to length,grammar,vocabulary and relevance to the topic given...ur suggestions are v.valuable .topic is,
WE LEARN FROM HISTORY THAT WE DONT LEARN FROM HISTORY.
'most ignorance is vincible ignorance ,we dont know because we dont want to know'.....as it is a very common perception that history never changes or history repeats itself(be confident at your start, dont portray unclear images by using or in a staring sentence).so things keep on repeating ,if we analyze ourselves ,our environment then it will be revealed that we are still prisoners of history,fate is still treating us indifferently.same are the issues that we had to face in our past,i.e...unemployment is still as serious as it was lack of good leadership is still enjoying its peak position as it had been for so long(Wrong sentence),our baseless traditions are still looming around us,we are still chained with our backward customs,(use a conjuction here)proportion of darkness is still greater than ray of hope.hopelesnses is everywhere and hopefulness is hidden somewhere(Revise this sentence its pretty immature comapred to the whole expansion).justice is very rare as usual an revenge is very common in sight .in short(conclude at the end, dont jump to conclusion in the middle of your expansion) we can say that nothing is improved or upgraded.things are at the same level as were the past.we never tried to learn from our past that what were our wrong deeds? what blunders we had done ? n what were the things that lead us to such pathetic position.if we had learned something then the situation would have been different ,improved and better.but we never tried ti trace out our shortcomings .though we know that history revives itself and this is a very valuable aspect of nature that it gives us our reflection that can help us a lot in self(ambiguity) .analysis.it provides a great opportunity to look for our mistakes and to replace them with something good.but we never made such an attempt and it is appearing as if we are still at the point from where the life had started its journey.
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The bold stuff needs another luk, and the coloured stuff provides you suitable solution to the problem
ur length is almost upto mark
You need to work on grammar specially tenses and conjunctions and their usage
Vocabulary is not an issue in your expansion
As far as relevance is conerned, it lukd like you were trying utmost to link everything with the topic being aginst the topic. This is not the case. You are not on any debate in which you have to prove something. You can stay neutral by touching both aspects. You kept the monotonous tone throughout criticizing forst person in the whole expansion. You should have ended it with positive note. Dont ask questions in ur expansion. Try to be very indifferent, covering different issues and highlighting prominent and relevant points in the starting 3-4 sentences.
Keeping in view as your first attempt, i advise you that you are not good in it but average, so you need to put lota hardwork to be in the race. Hope you will learn by ur mistakes.
Regards