Wahab i think ur expansion is awesome, Believe me u can achieve the best if u continue this work. u used good vocabulary and showed a great grammatical skill in ur passage. but according to me u missed one very important thing from ur writing and that was ur proper introduction. u must know that an intro is the head of any body and u r required to tell in the introduction about ur opinion regarding the question posed or the quotation or phrase asked. in ur passage i could not understand ur view point, either u support it or not, untill i reached the last lines of the paragraph. So, u must pay heed towards this technical fault and u will be InshaAllh through in this paper.
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