Family values and Islam
By Asghar Ali Engineer
SOME time ago, I went to Turkey for an international confer ence focusing on family values and other related affairs. It was an impressive international forum with participation from around 50 countries, comprising some 300 scholars, social scientists and activists.
Several papers were read and discussed on various aspects of matters related to family values. A common concern was that the institution of family is weakening and, being the very foundation of our civilisation, it must be saved. I was asked to talk about Islam and the institution of family. The subject is worth revisiting.
The Prophet (PBUH) did not approve of a life of celibacy except under a certain situation. He also disapproved of renunciation of the world (ruhbaniyyah) and preferred living in the world, facing all situations. Various pronouncements in the Quran are related to family life, marriage, divorce and children. The Quran also says if you have no means to marry and sustain your family, lead a pious life until Allah gives you the necessary means. Also, it prescribes punishment for fornication, rape and adultery.
According to Islamic teachings, sex is permissible only within the institution of marriage; it is basically meant for raising a family. Today, in western countries, people do not want to take responsibility for raising a family but want to fulfil their desire for pleasure. Hence ‘live-in’ arrangements are in vogue. This concept of living together has dealt a great blow to the institution of family. In this arrangement, the man and woman can walk away any time they like.
Thus the basic idea is not to have any responsibility towards each other, much less towards children. In fact, every attempt is made to avoid having children, and if children are born out of wedlock the entire responsibility shifts to the single parent, especially the mother. The result is that the man tries to have multiple partners and the woman is burdened with children and faces psychological stress and strain.Desire for intimacy cannot be an end in itself, as happens in a ‘livein’ arrangement. There are, according to the Quran, two important purposes of marriage — to raise a family and to provide companionship to each other. The very philosophy of marriage is based on love and companionship. The Quran says: “And of His Signs is this, that He created mates for you from yourselves that you might find quiet of mind in them, and He put between you love and compassion. Surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30:21) Thus, the institution of family, according to the Quran, is based on higher values of life. Simply to gratify one’s desire can never lead to higher civilisation and stability in life. Stability, compassion and love are the very basis of human civilisation, and the family is an important institution in building civilisation. A family, as far as possible, should not break up. That is why, according to a hadith, divorce is the most disapproved among permissible things. According to another hadith, the heavens shake when a man pronounces divorce on his wife because divorce delivers a blow to the very institution of family.
In the contemporary world, this institution is increasingly getting weakened due to certain contradictions arising in our life under pressure from modernity. In the modern world, women also work and become quite independent and hence refuse to bow to their husband’s wishes. In the past, women were economically dependent on their husbands and felt more secure in acceding to their husbands’ wishes. The husband was thought to be master of the house. Today, women from middleclass families are also highly educated and draw high salaries, so many refuse to bow before their husbands.
Many orthodox Muslims feel that this is the result of women getting educated and earning for themselves. It is destabilising family values. This is a wrong conclusion because we are still embedded in patriarchal values if we think like that. If women are to have dignity and self-respect they should not be asked to submit to their husbands’ authority. Any institution based on authority rather than higher values cannot be stable and cannot lead to a higher civilisation. The Quran, while giving women the right to earn and own property, also gives them equal dignity and self-respect. It makes clear that family values should be based not on the husband’s authority but on love and compassion between spouses.
If these values are meticulously practised the husband and wife have mutual respect and consult each other before taking any crucial decisions, a woman’s education and earning make a family unit much more stable and prosperous. If our culture remains patriarchal and the husband’s authority is held supreme, a family in which a woman is highly educated and aware of her self-respect and dignity would tend to come under strain and break up. Even in highly modern societies, many women have little role in decision-making on crucial matters. Hence, family life comes under severe strain and the percentage of divorce goes up because the woman refuses to submit to the man’s whims.
The solution does not lie in abandoning the institution of family and going for a free-living relationship. There cannot be genuine love and compassion in such relationships. The solution lies in according equal dignity to women and an equal role in the decision-making process. This alone will strengthen the institution of family. Thus, if the philosophy of family, as propounded in the Quran, is followed the institution will not fall apart. Indeed, it will be strengthened.
¦ The writer is an Islamic scholar who also heads the Centre for Study of Secularism & Society, Mumbai.