Your thesis statement is pretty longer. In order to read it, one requires a deep breath. Never mind kudos to you. You could have started your thesis like this: our education systems are based on haves and have-nots or the Marxian class struggle.Then you could have divided each education system according to Marxian class. for example, O' Level for upper middle and upper- upper class, government for middle and lower-middle class and madressah for lower-middle and lower class. In this way, your whole essay would have been highly organized and coherent. most people resort to verbose and bombastic language which was the Victorian era style. Nowadays examiner prefer above mentioned two qualities. By the way, your effort is commendable.........