Philosophy
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Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.


Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find my own way).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
MODERN PHILOSOPHIES OF THE CYNIC
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· If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

· A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

· For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

· He who hesitates is probably right.

· Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

· No one is listening until you make a mistake.

· Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

· The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

· The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

· To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

· To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

· Two wrongs are only the beginning.

· Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

· You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)

· The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

· Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

· The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).