Sister! you are so direct in beginning the body of your essay by starting the first paragraph with Hurdles. I must say that this is not a good move dear. You should give some background or something which can better start the body of essay. Like, the two points you have written under your introduction which are 'Importance of education' and 'Role of education' you can write these points under the body, i mean start your essay's body with these two points, it would be better. And introduction should hit the topic women' education as rightly pointed out by Isha sister. Also give some recommendations, again as pointed out by Isha sister. Overall, a fair effort. Try it again you can make it better.
Good luck.

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"Whomever Allah guides, no one can misguide, and whomever Allah misguides, no one can guide." Al-Qura'an.