Brother you have mentioned only five main points (including introduction and conclusion) Which should be more than 15 or 16. You have just described the problem that how war on terror is violating human rights but not described its aetiology that what is the actual reason behind it, you have also omitted the remedies. In essay you have to give suggestions also that how to solve this problem. Like in this way you could say that scenario of war on terror should be changed that human rights should not be violated. No doubt there is terrorism, so to curb terrorism while respecting human rights we should take these steps.

a It should be ideological war, instead of physical war
b Alleviate poverty because poor are more easily attracted with terrorism
c Elevate literacy rate because an educated person will understand difference between wrong and right
d Ensure sovereignty of the country that the US do not attack with drones
and etc

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