plzz assess my first attempt

[asmapices]

i want to know how did i deal with this precis?

ORIGINAL TEXT
for long after independence ,the civil service attracted the country's best brains ,but bureaucracy became a dirty word-it was held responsible for all that went wrong in the areas where the government's role mattered .was it the sinner or was it sinned against ?perhaps both.bureaucrats did not function in vacuum or in lofty isolation.they were part o the new milieu,where the state machinery was concerned not only with law and order and revenue collection ,as was the case in the colonial days,but also with vastly expanded activity ranging from social welfare to economic development and from conducting external relations to deal with centre -state relations,apart from looking after the general administration.the democratic policy that we gave onto ourselves accorded a dominant position in the government to the large tribe of elected reprsentatives.this was a new situation ,challenging and exciting.it called for a readjustment of roles ,and the establishment of new equations.with some shining exceptions ,the bureaucracy did not or could not rise to the occasion .but let this generation not convey impression that the administrative services were totally devoid of uprightness.
PRECIS.
first civil service had been very alluring for the super masses.but since independence due to increase in responsibilities ,and the issue of serving under the people's representatives,the bureaucracy being a discipline of democracy started loosing its grip. though it did very well in few exceptional cases yet it could not portray what was expected indeed.

[theelegant444]

Originally Posted by asmapices

i want to know how did i deal with this precis?

ORIGINAL TEXT
for long after independence ,the civil service attracted the country's best brains ,but bureaucracy became a dirty word-it was held responsible for all that went wrong in the areas where the government's role mattered .was it the sinner or was it sinned against ?perhaps both.bureaucrats did not function in vacuum or in lofty isolation.they were part o the new milieu,where the state machinery was concerned not only with law and order and revenue collection ,as was the case in the colonial days,but also with vastly expanded activity ranging from social welfare to economic development and from conducting external relations to deal with centre -state relations,apart from looking after the general administration.the democratic policy that we gave onto ourselves accorded a dominant position in the government to the large tribe of elected reprsentatives.this was a new situation ,challenging and exciting.it called for a readjustment of roles ,and the establishment of new equations.with some shining exceptions ,the bureaucracy did not or could not rise to the occasion .but let this generation not convey impression that the administrative services were totally devoid of uprightness.
PRECIS.
first civil service had been very alluring for the super masses.but since independence due to increase in responsibilities ,and the issue of serving under the people's representatives,the bureaucracy being a discipline of democracy started loosing its grip. though it did very well in few exceptional cases yet it could not portray what was expected indeed.

Firstly, You haven't write much on what was being discussed in the start like:

"For long after independence ,the civil service attracted the country's best brains ,but bureaucracy became a dirty word-it was held responsible for all that went wrong in the areas where the government's role mattered .was it the sinner or was it sinned against ?perhaps both.bureaucrats did not function in vacuum or in lofty isolation.they were part o the new milieu,where the state machinery was concerned not only with law and order and revenue collection ,as was the case in the colonial days,but also with vastly expanded activity ranging from social welfare to economic development and from conducting external relations to deal with centre -state relations,apart from looking after the general administration.

You should start with:

Civil service remained quite significant in running state functions. It had a vast responsibility to perform all functions that extended from society to economy and external affairs to administrative duties. The new set of democratic arrangement that allowed greater influence of elected representatives has disturbed the sharing of power and as a consequence bureaucracy couldn't able to deliver as it was expected.

Title: 1. Civil Service and its major role towards a state
2. Bureaucracy is an important ingredient of a state machinery

[asmapices]

thanks a lot for your precious suggestions i will try to improve myself.