[QUOTE=S R Bhutto;927374]Dear Wandered,

I have read your comments on the composition on an essay. I wish to know your comments on my outline which is as follows:

Essay Topic: "What are the hurdles in our way to becoming a truly independent state?"

1. Introduction

2. What is meant by "Truly Independent State" ?

a. State sovereignty
b. Territorial Integrity
c. Military Strength and Deterrence
d. Political Stability and Robust Institutional structure
e. Positive international image
f. Economic stoutness and Investment opportunities
g. Power of people (Resourceful population)
h. Effective role in national and international politics

3. Do truly independence states really exist ?

a. Democratic norms and its impact on states
b. Global Politics and hegemony of world powers
c. Global Economy and the role of nation states
d. Territorial disputes and independence of states

4. Obstruction in the path of true independence

a. Lack of implementation of International Law
b. Hegemony of world powers and their dictatorial attitude
c. Biased attitude of world community
i) Palestine Issue: Territorial Integrity and misuse of power
ii) Kashmir Issue: Right of self determination sidelined

5. How can true independence be achieved ?

a. Respect of state sovereignty and territorial integrity at global and regional level
b. Effective participation of regional and world organizations in promoting and guarding state's independence
c. Discrmination towards states needs to be stopped
d. Equal opportunities to all for attaining prosperity and welfare

6. Conclusion

TIA[/QUOTE]

Hi Bhutto.
I would like to have following recommendations, in general:

1. [B]Remember[/B] that your paper is going to be marked by an English Teacher not a teacher of IR, Political Science, Engineering or some other subject. What I am trying to imply is that using Technical or subjective terminology in outline doesn't sound right to examiner. Try to use as simple diction as you can in your outline.

2. There must be [B]no ambiguity [/B]in the outline. Every point must refer to a separate idea. There should be [B]no redundancy[/B]. All ideas should have smooth transitions.

3. Outline [B]must be very readable.[/B] As, I have heard from a teacher that while skimming through hundreds of papers examiner mostly makeup his mind about student's attempt from outline. So, every care should be taken.

4. Every point of outline should be connected to the topic. Don't try to jot down anything remotely connected to the topic. Just write the relevant material. [B]Irrelevance in outline[/B] is not acceptable. Thus, take your time to understand the topic and after preparing first rough draft of outline, see if all points lead to the topic statement or not. If not, revise, edit and re-draft outline.

Now lets talk about this topic, particularly :

In my humble opinion keyword in this topic statement is "Hurdles"[B][/B] not [B]independent state[/B]. We have to write every dimension and factor that leads to a [B]"non-independent states" [/B]

Another important thing in the topic statement is [B]" What"[/B]. "What" gives us directions that which form of discourse we have to use. The tone of this essay must be analytical because "What" refers that we have to [B]analyse and describe[/B]. It also gives another important information that nature of this essay will be [B]"Cause and Effect" [/B]

After we have understood important informations from the topic statement we can brainstorm and can roughly draft an outline.

Everyone will have different outline depending upon one's ideas,reading and presentation skills.
Analysing your outline, in my humble opinion, I can say:

1. There is no need to stretch the Idea of "Truly Independent state". You have consumed 25% of your outline explaining this Idea. [B]REMEMBER: Topic is not "Independent states but Hurdles" [/B]

2. You must not ask questions [I]Do truly independence states really exist ?[/I]. Tone of this essay must be analysing and narrative, so avoid these kind of phrases.

3. Read the points you made in 3. and from a neutral lens tell me do you get any Idea that how [B][I]Democratic norms and its impact on states[/I][/B] connect to the topic. [I][U]Aisay points jholl paida kar dete hain or achi khasi outline ko ambiguity or vague bna dete hain[/U][/I]. [B][SIZE="5"]Simple diction and connecting [/SIZE][/B]

4. Overall, outline is not very impressive. It doesn't resonate with the topic statement. You can work it out again. And can post it again :)

5. Practice. Multi-perspective and be objective. Waiting to see it better next time. :)

Crisis of good governance in Pakistan: need for reforms and institution building
 

[QUOTE=Wandered;927570]Hi Bhutto.
I would like to have following recommendations, in general:

1. [B]Remember[/B] that your paper is going to be marked by an English Teacher not a teacher of IR, Political Science, Engineering or some other subject. What I am trying to imply is that using Technical or subjective terminology in outline doesn't sound right to examiner. Try to use as simple diction as you can in your outline.

2. There must be [B]no ambiguity [/B]in the outline. Every point must refer to a separate idea. There should be [B]no redundancy[/B]. All ideas should have smooth transitions.

3. Outline [B]must be very readable.[/B] As, I have heard from a teacher that while skimming through hundreds of papers examiner mostly makeup his mind about student's attempt from outline. So, every care should be taken.

4. Every point of outline should be connected to the topic. Don't try to jot down anything remotely connected to the topic. Just write the relevant material. [B]Irrelevance in outline[/B] is not acceptable. Thus, take your time to understand the topic and after preparing first rough draft of outline, see if all points lead to the topic statement or not. If not, revise, edit and re-draft outline.

Now lets talk about this topic, particularly :

In my humble opinion keyword in this topic statement is "Hurdles"[B][/B] not [B]independent state[/B]. We have to write every dimension and factor that leads to a [B]"non-independent states" [/B]

Another important thing in the topic statement is [B]" What"[/B]. "What" gives us directions that which form of discourse we have to use. The tone of this essay must be analytical because "What" refers that we have to [B]analyse and describe[/B]. It also gives another important information that nature of this essay will be [B]"Cause and Effect" [/B]

After we have understood important informations from the topic statement we can brainstorm and can roughly draft an outline.

Everyone will have different outline depending upon one's ideas,reading and presentation skills.
Analysing your outline, in my humble opinion, I can say:

1. There is no need to stretch the Idea of "Truly Independent state". You have consumed 25% of your outline explaining this Idea. [B]REMEMBER: Topic is not "Independent states but Hurdles" [/B]

2. You must not ask questions [I]Do truly independence states really exist ?[/I]. Tone of this essay must be analysing and narrative, so avoid these kind of phrases.

3. Read the points you made in 3. and from a neutral lens tell me do you get any Idea that how [B][I]Democratic norms and its impact on states[/I][/B] connect to the topic. [I][U]Aisay points jholl paida kar dete hain or achi khasi outline ko ambiguity or vague bna dete hain[/U][/I]. [B][SIZE="5"]Simple diction and connecting [/SIZE][/B]

4. Overall, outline is not very impressive. It doesn't resonate with the topic statement. You can work it out again. And can post it again :)

5. Practice. Multi-perspective and be objective. Waiting to see it better next time. :)[/QUOTE]

ESSAY : Crisis of good governance in Pakistan: need for reforms and institution building

1. Introduction

2. Present Scenario: Poor Governance in Pakistan

a. Corruption and nepotism
b. Weak Institutional Structure
c. Cronyism
d. Injustice
e. Deteriorating law and order situation
f. Political instability
g. Lack of professionalism in public institutions
h. Lack of will to fulfill international governance commitments
i. Strained economy

3. Structural reforms to improve governance structure in Pakistan

a. Implement a powerful anti-corruption strategy
b. Tracking the performance of government institutions
c. Fulfilling international governance commitments
d. Improving law and order situation to facilitate good governance setup
e. Imparting training to public officers and ensuring their participation in improving governance structure

4. Conclusion

Please, assess this essay

Also, thanks for critically analysing my previous essay.. Much obliged :)