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need an analysis of my essay outline
Democracy in pakistan; hopes and hurdles
1. Introduction a. definition of democracy b. origin and nature of democracy c. evolution of democracy from different cultures d. democratic culture in west e. democratic culture in pakistan e. Thesis statement 2. Quaid-i-azam's vision of democracy 3. Democracy in islam 4.democracy and united nations a. UN charter b article 21 of universal declaration of human rights 5. importance of democracy 6.history of failed democracy in pakistan a.constitutional crisis b. successive dissolution of assemblies i.section 9, 10, 10A and 10B of act of 1935 c.rise of democracy-reign of zulfiqar ali bhutto d.execution of zulfiqar ali bhutto- the death of democracy e.successive derailing of democracy (1990-1997) i. article 58 2(b) f. military intervention 7. Hurdles to democracy in pakistan a. Political i. dearth of leadership ii. egocentric and controversial politians ii. confrontation between organs iii.poor relations b/w center and provinces iv. meddling with constitution v. no rule of law b. economic i. economic instability ii. economic crisis iii.unemployment iv. inflation v.deteriorating condition of agriculture and industrial sectors c. social hurdles i.weak and poverty stricken society ii. low literacy rate iii. social injustice iv.over population v. increasing crime rate d. religious hurdles i.religious intolerance ii.fundamentalists iii. extremism and terrorism iv. extremist illusion that democracy is unislamic e. institutional hurdles i. bridled judiciary ii. lack of accountability iii. rampant corruption iv. weak legislature v. weak executive f. external hurdles i.recurring foreign intervention in national affairs ii. us influence 8. hopes for democracy in pakistan a. active and independent judiciary b. above board accountability c. economic stability-cpec d. increased literacy rate (in comparison to previous record) e. media-freedom of expression f. political maturity- educated politicians g. developing culture of democracy (discussed about the previous and current govt -completion of tenure) 9. suggestions a.political strengthening b. sovereignty of parliament must be insured c. rule of law and justice d. role of media e. educational reforms f. awareness about the importance of vote g. reforms in economic polices h. an efficient leadership i. youth participation in politics j. increase employment opportunities k. an effective foreign policy l. efficient system of checks and balance m. accountability 9. conclusion Respected seniors and aspirants kindly analyse the above outline of my essay..i attempted in css-2018. I tried to the best of my ability to avoid grammatical mistakes. i did not use any cliches and tried to avoid the use of words "we" "our" and "us". also used some quotations. i do not remember the words of my conclusion, but whatever i wrote...at that it seems to be good . correction will be highly appreciated. thanks in advance. |
This is just my own analysis and I may be 100% wrong, here is what I think:
Your introduction seems mostly irrelevant, it should have been within the scope of what was asked or simply a summary of the main points of your essay. Similarly, heading 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 are completely irrelevant and not required at all. The headings 7 and 8 were all that were required, heading 9 may entitle you for some bonus marks. Overall the essay would have been perfect if you had just written the introduction (summary of the essay with no irrelevant stuff), heading 7, 8, 9 and Conclusion. Now depending on the quality of your essay, the examiner may ignore the irrelevant stuff and award you passing marks or more, InshaAllah. |
Relevancy
[QUOTE=siddiquiali;1067396]This is just my own analysis and I may be 100% wrong, here is what I think:
Your introduction seems mostly irrelevant, it should have been within the scope of what was asked or simply a summary of the main points of your essay. Similarly, heading 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 are completely irrelevant and not required at all. The headings 7 and 8 were all that were required, heading 9 may entitle you for some bonus marks. Overall the essay would have been perfect if you had just written the introduction (summary of the essay with no irrelevant stuff), heading 7, 8, 9 and Conclusion. Now depending on the quality of your essay, the examiner may ignore the irrelevant stuff and award you passing marks or more, InshaAllah.[/QUOTE] I concur with your comments. It may have given the impression that candidate is fulfilling the requirement of the word limit. Overall, a commendable effort. |
Mr. Siddiqui has well evaluated this essay outline of yours... By the way, in how much time you have developed the whole stuff of the outline?? Because as far as I see, even a subject matter expert might take 25 to 35 minutes to develop such a lengthy, detailed, overstated and repeated outline... Even if you eventually becomes successful in the exam to actually develop such an outline, I am sure, you are not going to make it to conclude it.
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yes it took 30 mints to make an outline. And i also concluded it ..almost half page was my conclusion ...I don't know whether i will get the passing marks or not that's why i decided to upload my essay here so that you guys check it and let me know whether i should start my preparations for 2019(it was my first attempt). I am really thankful to Mr. saddiqui who took time in analyzing my outline.
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If I had appeared,I would have written in the following way
1)Introduction 2)Political History of Pakistan 3)Factors which suggest that democracy has strengthened and will continue to strengthen in Pakistan a)Independent media b)Strong economic growth reinforcing people's faith in democracy c)Democratically elected successfully completing its tenure d)Free media raising political awareness among people e)Rulers being held accountable f)Women enjoying more freedom than before 4)Threats to democracy in Pakistan a)Imbalance in civil military relation b)Bad governance c)Dynastic politics d)Weak elected institutions 5)Recommendations to Strengthen Democracy in Pakistan a)Making NSC effective to improve civil military relation b)Introducing governance reforms to improve governance c)Reforming elector system 6)Conclusion |
[QUOTE=Marwa Aman;1067393]Democracy in pakistan; hopes and hurdles
1. Introduction a. definition of democracy b. origin and nature of democracy c. evolution of democracy from different cultures d. democratic culture in west e. democratic culture in pakistan e. Thesis statement 2. Quaid-i-azam's vision of democracy 3. Democracy in islam 4.democracy and united nations a. UN charter b article 21 of universal declaration of human rights 5. importance of democracy 6.history of failed democracy in pakistan a.constitutional crisis b. successive dissolution of assemblies i.section 9, 10, 10A and 10B of act of 1935 c.rise of democracy-reign of zulfiqar ali bhutto d.execution of zulfiqar ali bhutto- the death of democracy e.successive derailing of democracy (1990-1997) i. article 58 2(b) f. military intervention 7. Hurdles to democracy in pakistan a. Political i. dearth of leadership ii. egocentric and controversial politians ii. confrontation between organs iii.poor relations b/w center and provinces iv. meddling with constitution v. no rule of law b. economic i. economic instability ii. economic crisis iii.unemployment iv. inflation v.deteriorating condition of agriculture and industrial sectors c. social hurdles i.weak and poverty stricken society ii. low literacy rate iii. social injustice iv.over population v. increasing crime rate d. religious hurdles i.religious intolerance ii.fundamentalists iii. extremism and terrorism iv. extremist illusion that democracy is unislamic e. institutional hurdles i. bridled judiciary ii. lack of accountability iii. rampant corruption iv. weak legislature v. weak executive f. external hurdles i.recurring foreign intervention in national affairs ii. us influence 8. hopes for democracy in pakistan a. active and independent judiciary b. above board accountability c. economic stability-cpec d. increased literacy rate (in comparison to previous record) e. media-freedom of expression f. political maturity- educated politicians g. developing culture of democracy (discussed about the previous and current govt -completion of tenure) 9. suggestions a.political strengthening b. sovereignty of parliament must be insured c. rule of law and justice d. role of media e. educational reforms f. awareness about the importance of vote g. reforms in economic polices h. an efficient leadership i. youth participation in politics j. increase employment opportunities k. an effective foreign policy l. efficient system of checks and balance m. accountability 9. conclusion Respected seniors and aspirants kindly analyse the above outline of my essay..i attempted in css-2018. I tried to the best of my ability to avoid grammatical mistakes. i did not use any cliches and tried to avoid the use of words "we" "our" and "us". also used some quotations. i do not remember the words of my conclusion, but whatever i wrote...at that it seems to be good . correction will be highly appreciated. thanks in advance.[/QUOTE] Your outline does not look relevant,but writing an irrelevant outline does not mean you will not pass if you addressed the main theme.Inshallah,you will pass if you have elaborated in detail the points 7,8 and 9. |
Kindly do share your marks after result
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Your outline is really good. Introduction part is much better as you have aptly steered it. It starts with the introduction and then origin and nature (which, of course, has many varieties). Evolution, democracy in the west and then in Pakistan (a funnel technique) is commendable. You can also add briefly about the hurdles and hopes of democracy in introduction section too which will make your essay bright. Write your thesis statement then just indicating it as it gives the overview of your essay.
Topic 3 and 4 is also very important by keeping the current situation in consideration. As Islam transitioned from democratic to a non-democratic type of governments-Islamic teachings to follow those who are in authority through Shura (consultation) - challenges to democracy in the Islamic world. Topic 4 is also good as it gives a world’s perspective. Topic 5 is okay but topic 6 needs to be trimmed with less number of outlines. Here, there is a chance of deviation from the essay. In my opinion, do not mention any leader name to hide your political affiliations. Even if, you do not have any affiliation it would be a gross mistake to mention their names in the essay. Because the essay or democracy doesn’t revolve around a specific leader. (I have tonnes of reason to argue but I hope there is no need of that). It’s a straight way to deduct one’s own marks. However, if it is really necessary to mention their names you can do it in this way. “One school of thought in Pakistan thinks that democracy died with the death of Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto.” Topic 7 is the real beginning of your essay. In political hurdles, you have started with the “dearth of leadership” which is amazing. As the country's politics has been dominated by feudal lords like Zamindars, Jagirdars, Nawabs, Sardars, etc. with no visionary leader like Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah. The rest of the topics in economic, social, religious, institutional sections need a bit improvement or minor changes as few of them can be skipped or they are overlapping with one another. However, if you can qualify your argument I might be proved wrong. I think that there is no need of “external hurdles” in this essay. Though the US, for instance, has been involved in regime change throughout the world but to mention any foreign intervention, one has to argue with strong evidence. With so many hurdles there remains a little chance of hope. Topic 8 contains important points which can be extended widely. I really admire this section of the topic. However, few topics in this section need to be covered by taking care of different perspectives. Suggestion part is bit lengthy. I think instead of “insured” the more appropriate word is “ensured”. I am hopeful that with this outline you are going to clear essay if it is written in flawless grammar. Best of luck! |
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