Essay practice: CE-21
 

This thread is created for the purpose of essay practice. Here aspirants/members can post their outlines to be reviewed by seniors and fellow-members.

[QUOTE=The dream of rain;1110558]This thread is created for the purpose of essay practice. Here aspirants/members can post their outlines to be reviewed by seniors and fellow-members.[/QUOTE]

Excellent initiative! It would be great to have them at one place so that we can all chip in and have a conducive discussion.

Here is my essay outline for the topic "How far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?". Dear seniors at CSS Forum, kindly point out the mistakes. Thanks!

A) Introduction
Thesis Statement:
Although there are many factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed, however, digitalization can play a pivotal role in socioeconomic development in Pakistan.

B) What is meant by digitalization?
i) Definition and basic elements
ii)Difference between digitalization and digitization
iii) Status of digitalization in Pakistan

C) How far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?

i) As a driver of economic growth and development
ii) Improved quality of education through the deployment of latest technologies
iii) A better healthcare monitoring and control system
iv) Promotion of tourism industry through the use of digital technologies
v) The implementation of E-democracy
vi) Bridging the digital divide through the development of digital infrastructure
vii) The development of digital competency among organizations
viii) The implementation of digital workplace concept
ix) As a source of ecological and environmental protection
x) As a source of employment

D) What are other factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed?
i) Fair distribution of resources among the citizens
ii) "The lower the population, the higher the development"
iii) The current status of economy within a country
iv) The nature of institutions within the country

E) What can be done to promote digitalization in Pakistan?
i) Increased investment by the government in the digital sector
ii) The access of proper digital training to all citizens
iii) Incentives for using technology to reach certain milestones

F) Conclusion

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[QUOTE=Silvia Rose;1110714]Here is my essay outline for the topic "How far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?". Dear seniors at CSS Forum, kindly point out the mistakes. Thanks!

A) Introduction
Thesis Statement:
Although there are many factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed, however, digitalization can play a pivotal role in socioeconomic development in Pakistan.

B) What is meant by digitalization?
i) Definition and basic elements
ii)Difference between digitalization and digitization
iii) Status of digitalization in Pakistan

C) How far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?

i) As a driver of economic growth and development
ii) Improved quality of education through the deployment of latest technologies
iii) A better healthcare monitoring and control system
iv) Promotion of tourism industry through the use of digital technologies
v) The implementation of E-democracy
vi) Bridging the digital divide through the development of digital infrastructure
vii) The development of digital competency among organizations
viii) The implementation of digital workplace concept
ix) As a source of ecological and environmental protection
x) As a source of employment

D) What are other factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed?
i) Fair distribution of resources among the citizens
ii) "The lower the population, the higher the development"
iii) The current status of economy within a country
iv) The nature of institutions within the country

E) What can be done to promote digitalization in Pakistan?
i) Increased investment by the government in the digital sector
ii) The access of proper digital training to all citizens
iii) Incentives for using technology to reach certain milestones

F) Conclusion

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Dear, you need to omit some irrelevant facts like:

[B])Difference between digitalization and digitization
iii) Status of digitalization in Pakistan [/B]
Make separate heading for [B]Status of digitalization in Pakistan,[/B] which is a main topic.
drop this:[B] D) What are other factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed?[/B]
you are diverting from the topic theme; no need of it in my opinion
some other suggestions:
do not use [B]the[/B] article in outline. Also, follow present structure do not use [B]improved [/B] as far as this topic is concerned.
Plus: drop out first sentence of your thesis statement; state directly what the topic is. I hope you understand.

I have based the structure of my outline according to sample outlines, which I watched in the videos of CSS 2017 Essay topper. He said that your thesis statement should cover both sides of the coin since essay is all about proving your thesis statement. When you show both sides of the coin, it becomes easier to write an essay upto 2500 words. Otherwise, you will have to stretch your paragraphs, which in turn reduces the quality of your essay. So, I think I will keep the first part in my thesis statement.
I agree that I should have used improvement instead of improved. I didn't get your point about the article in outline. Can you please elaborate it further?
The reason for mentioning the difference between digitalization and digitization is that these two terms are often confused with each other and used interchangeably but their is a difference. As far as the status of digitalization in Pakistan is concerned, I don't know how should I include it as a separate heading in the outline? Can you please suggest how? By the way, thanks for your kind insight.

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[QUOTE=Silvia Rose;1110718]I have based the structure of my outline according to sample outlines, which I watched in the videos of CSS 2017 Essay topper. He said that your thesis statement should cover both sides of the coin since essay is all about proving your thesis statement. When you show both sides of the coin, it becomes easier to write an essay upto 2500 words. Otherwise, you will have to stretch your paragraphs, which in turn reduces the quality of your essay. So, I think I will keep the first part in my thesis statement.
I agree that I should have used improvement instead of improved. I didn't get your point about the article in outline. Can you please elaborate it further?
The reason for mentioning the difference between digitalization and digitization is that these two terms are often confused with each other and used interchangeably but their is a difference. As far as the status of digitalization in Pakistan is concerned, I don't know how should I include it as a separate heading in the outline? Can you please suggest how? By the way, thanks for your kind insight.

Sent from my SM-G610F using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]
dear, firstly, let me tell you that essay is subjective paper and has different forms, such as argumentative, cause-based, etc. And, each has his own way to handle it. may be i am wrong but you can check outline shared by Anum Zara, Irshad Sodhar, aishalam, and other forum members.
You can check Anum Zara's essay about colonial mentality and her thesis statement- written simple and straightforward. She got 57 marks in her paper. Also, check aishalam's outline about "Classrooms decide the future of nations" . She has qualified exam as well. It is not necessary to add irrelevant material merely to extend length. Secondly, in status part, you can write what government has done so far or is doing. Tania Aidrus is working on this project in PM Khan's government. About Article "the". I meant to say you have frequently used it, and you must avoid it.
Lastly, i would like to invite Dream of Rain and others to comment on this. Thanks.

Hello! First of all a pretty good outline overall. Kindly take my comments below as well meaning advice and feel free to ask any questions if I'm unclear at any point.

Okay let's start with the thesis statement. As a general rule of thumb there are a few characteristics of a TS which are desirable. Different writers give different weightages to these aspects but overall it's good to keep them all in mind when formulating a Thesis Statement. Also would like to point out here that a TS is neither good nor bad- it's put on a scale of strong and weak. So no matter how "good" the TS may be in your mind it can ALWAYS be made stronger. Okay so without further ado let's discuss the qualities which make a strong thesis statement.

1. [B] Short and to the point[/b] Pretty self explanatory but has a lot of wiggle room. What is short? For me two three lines is TOO short. It doesn't give you a chance to cover the other points we shall discuss below and hence is less effective. It's a balancing act really. I'm extremely verbose so this is an aspect I struggle with but it's also the characteristic I'm willing to compromise on. Again this is such a subjective thing to discuss so find a style and length that fits you.

2. [B] Is an opinion [/b] Your thesis statement should clearly state your opinion on the topic. Trying to squeeze in as many perspectives as possible just to be on the safe side is counterproductive. The more forceful you are generally the better. Your TS should not be an established fact- it should be an opinion which can be supported with arguments and countered as well.

3. [B] Specific and precise[/b]: When writing a good introduction one must always remember the inverted pyramid structure (general to specific). The broadest area is the opening statement of your essay and it should be very general and the tip of the inverted pyramid is the thesis statement so it should be as specific as you can get it. Basically you are confining the scope of the essay. A good way to visualise this is that you aren't discussing all the water in Ocean but instead shall be discussing the water that you scooped up in a container. Narrow it down and be precise with your wording.

4. SO WHAT? Thesis statement should show an opinion as we have discussed before and it is an unspoken accepted fact that you support this opinion wholeheartedly. Hence it is also encouraged to include (in as few a words as possible) Why your stance matters. Why should the reader care about your point of view. So what? Is the question you should ask yourself when finalising your TS.



Let's discuss your thesis statement in the light of the above points.
[QUOTE=Silvia Rose;1110714]
Thesis Statement:
Although there are many factors to which socioeconomic development can be attributed, however, digitalization can play a pivotal role in socioeconomic development in Pakistan.
[/QUOTE]

1. You have covered the short part but it isn't exactly to the point. You have stated your claim in a very roundabout way. Be as clear as possible. So if I was to reword what you have written I would simply write, [u]"Among the many factors which can influence the development level of a country, digitalisation is a hitherto untapped avenue which can play an invaluable role when it comes to the socio-economic development in Pakistan."[/u] See it's more clear and zeros in on the point you wish to make.

2. Your TS is an opinion but it's not forceful enough. Again this is a matter of style but from personal experience I can't stand vague or general TS. When doing research I genuinely look for the TS or an abstract before going through pages and pages of material and if they don't tell me what all that work is about I just can't be bothered. So be a little bit more opinionated. In the TS I have worded above you can note that I've added some very bold claims "hitherto untapped", "invaluable role". Such words add substance and weight to your stance. (Remember to back up whatever you claim in the TS through solid arguments though)

(continued from above...)

3. Your thesis statement is pretty specific so good job there. It names Pakistan and also what kind of development and it doesn't deviate from the wordings of the original topic so well done.

4. The so what aspect is missing in your TS. Why should I or any reader for that matter care that you support and shall attempt to prove this stance? In fact look at the topic statement it asks you to answer a very specific question "how far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?" Well how far can it help? Can it make much of difference? Why should Pakistan try and focus on this aspect a bit more? Once you start asking these questions you'll find that a "strong" thesis statement which covers all the major points satisfactorily forms itself.




Hope these points above help. Feel free to ask if anything is unclear. I'll try to get to the outline itself as soon as possible.

[QUOTE=aishalam;1110742](continued from above...)



3. Your thesis statement is pretty specific so good job there. It names Pakistan and also what kind of development and it doesn't deviate from the wordings of the original topic so well done.



4. The so what aspect is missing in your TS. Why should I or any reader for that matter care that you support and shall attempt to prove this stance? In fact look at the topic statement it asks you to answer a very specific question "how far can digitalization help in socioeconomic development in Pakistan?" Well how far can it help? Can it make much of difference? Why should Pakistan try and focus on this aspect a bit more? Once you start asking these questions you'll find that a "strong" thesis statement which covers all the major points satisfactorily forms itself.









Hope these points above help. Feel free to ask if anything is unclear. I'll try to get to the outline itself as soon as possible.[/QUOTE]Thank you so much for taking out time to comment on my outline. I will definitely try to incorporate the points you have made in my thesis statement. I was just wondering about the "what is topic" portion which in this case is "What is meant by digitalization?" How should I approach it? One forum member suggested that I shouldn't include irrelevant points like "Difference between digitalization and digitization" and "Status of digitalization in Pakistan" under the heading of "What is meant by digitalization?" Instead I should be making a separate heading for points like "Status of digitalization in Pakistan". What's your take on that? Does incorporating these points in that section disrupt the coherence of essay?
Secondly, how should I write the points in my outline? Should they be explanatory or simple? And how should I made them more vivid?


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[QUOTE=Silvia Rose;1110749]Thank you so much for taking out time to comment on my outline. I will definitely try to incorporate the points you have made in my thesis statement. I was just wondering about the "what is topic" portion which in this case is "What is meant by digitalization?" How should I approach it? One forum member suggested that I shouldn't include irrelevant points like "Difference between digitalization and digitization" and "Status of digitalization in Pakistan" under the heading of "What is meant by digitalization?" Instead I should be making a separate heading for points like "Status of digitalization in Pakistan". What's your take on that? Does incorporating these points in that section disrupt the coherence of essay?
Secondly, how should I write the points in my outline? Should they be explanatory or simple? And how should I made them more vivid?


Sent from my SM-G610F using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]


I'll try and give my thoughts on your outline in another post but for now I'd like to tackle the second half of your query namely how to write points in an outline? There are generally two ways to list the points; headings and sentences (I'm including the question statements as a sub-set of the sentences form). Sentences are considered undesirable simply because an outline should tell the reader what points you are going to cover with only a quick glance or a skim read. The CSS exam checkers are infamous for giving marks on the outline alone so this is a very important point to talk about as it effects the overall impression.

Now my personal opinion is that neither method of presenting the points is superior to the other. They both have their inherent advantages and disadvantages. I've developed a general rule of thumb which helps me maintain a good balance; Headings for the main body and sentences for the arguments. Let me give an example. Below is an outline I created as an entry for an Essay competition recently. The topic was "Do we really need literature?"

I. Introduction
II. What is literature?
III. Do we really need literature?[INDENT]A. Literature as a “mirror”[INDENT]1. We can recognize and better understand aspects of ourselves.
2. We can recognize aspects of our society and societies gone by.[/INDENT]B. Literature as a “time-machine” and “passport” [INDENT]1. We can travel through time and observe life, sometimes firsthand, as those that came before us experienced it.
2. We can experience events, cultures and customs from other parts of the world- real and fictional.[/INDENT]C. Literature as a “window” and “lens”[INDENT]1. We can look out and see the world as other people see it.
2. We can appreciate perspectives other than our own.[/INDENT]D. Literature as a “wise mentor”[INDENT]1. We can learn tolerance, empathy, and acceptance by reading about other people’s perspectives.
2. We can squash prejudices and biases by reading literature from people outside the groups we belong to.[/INDENT]E. Literature as a “catalyst for change”[INDENT]1. We can be shown the flaws and injustices in our current status quo.[/INDENT]F. Literature as a “custodian of values”[INDENT]1. We can use literature as a socialization tool to pass on values from one generation to the next.[/INDENT]G. Literature as an “event simulator”[INDENT]1. We can be forewarned about consequences through reading about the actions and decisions of others.[/INDENT]H. Literature as a “soothsayer” and “harbinger”[INDENT]1. We can heed the warnings of the writers before our time that saw faults with our systems more clearly then we can see them today.[/INDENT]I. Literature as an “inspiration”[INDENT]1. We can draw inspiration from literature for other art forms like film, music, and fashion.
2. We can be inspired by the imaginative thinking of writers to bring about real world innovation and advancements.[/INDENT]J. Literature as an “escape” and “entertainment”[INDENT]1. We can lose ourselves in the comfort of a good read away from our own sometimes harrowing realities.
2. We can comfortably spend our free time enjoying books.[/INDENT]K. Literature as a “friend”[INDENT]1. We can form communities of literature lovers online and in real life.
2. We can turn to our books as reliable and infallible friends.[/INDENT][/INDENT]IV. Conclusion



As you can see in the outline above, I've used points formed as "catchy" headings as the main topics and for the sub-topics/arguments I've used sentences in order to better explain how I would be tackling that specific topic. You can adapt this method to essays which wouldn't follow such a simple structure by using headings for arguments and sentences for examples.

Also as to your question about making them more vivid and attractive simply follow a theme or a fun opening that makes it's way through all the points in the outline. You get better at this with practice. Your mind is a muscle and forming links and setting a structure is a specific skill set it needs to learn. The more often you do it, the easier it gets and the quicker you can do it as well.