Please grade my Essay!

[Mohid Soomro]

What are the hurdles in our way to becoming a truly independent state?
Are the super powers of the world still in pursuit of Imperialistic ideology, by conquering weaker nations as Pakistan, this has a broader elucidation, to conquer means here is eliminating and exploiting them from their sovereignty, economic and natural resources. One way to analyze the relevant question by assessing our internal unity as a nation, through our leadership and civil-military relations, does that constitute to ill health of being an independent state? A brief idea of what defines a non-independent state maybe categorized as a weak decision maker, submissive to foreign interest, lacking in technology and multiple resources being underutilized.
A formal evaluation of Pakistan as a nation and the causes that prevent it from being sovereign state maybe distributed in all areas, but understanding and identifying the real reasons would conclude to entire significance. The concept of a democratic nation can be traced back to few centuries ago, as the theory is not new; the Pakistani legislative system allows existence of political parties to represent the public in national assembly and senate and from there to hold the administration offices. Unity’s significance in this context would not mean of our political leaders holding hands, but there are decisions of our nation’s survival do they have a consensus or agreement on those judgment or resolutions. Just a sharp recap from Z.A Bhutto’s first leadership, many of his aims differed from Jamait-I-Islam, as he viewed for a socialist nation not pro religious. Multiple incidents can be quoted as such, nevertheless for a considerate understanding moving towards more recent events; under the premiership of President Pervaiz Mushraf the concept of “enlighten moderation” came in real terms. Freedom of print and electronic media allowed us the public to learn a lot more then we could have thought before this regime. Television allowed us to become critiques of how our leaders behave when they arrive in a talk show, feels like they skipped school and college and directly landed as leaders, an argument of two different leaders leaves the public baffled as to see baby in diapers of having no census of which toy to play with. This is only what we can imagine goes behind meetings of closed doors, that we as a sinking nation and our leaders never stop the quarrel.
If general public loses hope and stops acknowledging the civil and military bureaucracy as key components of a truly independent nation, and rise to a rebellion, then it is to say we are part of a awful predicament. Maybe it is very vital to assess the cause of rebellious behavior of any individual, can it be the superior behavior of May it be civil or military bureaucrats? Can it be the corruption going on in the public offices? Can it be preference to rich over poor in public dealing? Can it be rude and abusive behavior of law protection agencies? And similar question would keep on flowing. An average individual in Pakistan is product of being frustrated, psychologically weak and confused and capable of the biggest of crimes. When a nation loses hearts of its people it will fail to be called as an independent nation. Inequality and injustice prevails in almost all areas of the general public system, highlighting the two main areas education and health, for gaining a clear access to these bureaucratic hurdles are like thorns of steels on the way. So it’s true poor is getting poorer, and the rich richer, systems for the public then being flexible are far more complicated, an ordinary man to apply for a loan has to go through numerous formalities which feel like swimming through the dead sea. After every decade it has become a nuisance practice with failed democratic governments and the rise of military leadership to win a battle which may never be comprehended. Even at the highest of levels political and military leaders don’t form an opinion on many subjects, may it be reduction in military budget or change border patrol, and to be conclusive it becomes a blame game. Due to selfishness of leader belonging to any group, they fail to measure the amount of damage they cause, not only monetary, hope, psychological or equality.
To become a submissive subject to a superior foreign interest leaves a nation in such claws that vulnerability and a jail like Alcatraz to escape from are created. Idea of imperialism has been there and practiced from centuries, and analyzing the first hand shake from any superior foreign counterpart needs to be evaluated intelligently, because knowing any intentions becomes impossible. The West, understanding and drifting back in time when Great Britain once ruled in united India, how cunningly they learned the pros and cons and capitalized overtime in gaining leadership or we can say exploiting the system. Even in this example it may highlighted one of the reasons of failed unity among all Indian leaders, may it be Hindus or Muslims, a failure to form a joint union and involving religious norms lead to a road of destruction, where the British moved from their original interest of trade to dividing and ruling the nation. It would be pointless to move towards explaining the reasons that lead to division of India, but now times have changed are we doing the same now? With all reasonable doubt after World War 1 historians witnessed the change in order of power and the rise of America as the superior of them all. Since the creation of Pakistan would it be rational to say then leaders during the first decade used the wrong type of diplomacy in dealing with America, or can we say it was justified due our economic survival, hence can it be said money over integrity has more significance. Since showing our economic weaknesses and forwarding our hand for monetary aid, the USA since has overpowered us and made us as a nation lose our importance. Glancing towards the most recent events, it will be intelligent to say again our leaders represented by their respective political parties and the high military personnel differ on many aspects, instance national security, it has become a routine for these USA to bomb terrorized areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan using our air space, no international law exists that allows such a practice, but foreign aid and loans worth billions of dollars have made us lose our sovereignty. The consequences of such instances are being worse day by day, newer nationalist or pro Islamic militia factions are on the rise, it all creates a perplexing scenario for our Government to still call itself as independent state, to whether to fight and eliminate the rebellions just please our superior western counterpart. Foreign involvement in our national or domestic issues is eliminating our real thought of being independent, it may be looked upon different perspectives. Marginalized circumstances are being permanently established in all newer areas, and our leadership fails to address any of those.

A rough analysis of what prevents Pakistan from being truly an independent nation, are explained as above, these are not the only causes, but only a personal opinion. From failed unity among the nation, to civil and military bureaucracy and finally to submission to foreign power as the USA, are all the key reasons to the main question. To conclude here we can work on saying past cannot be changed, but a new constructive strategy to come out from the bottom of the trench maybe formulated, process is not of what maybe done overnight, but may take years. First a network shall be created where grievances of leaders from all backgrounds shall put upon a table and be addressed humanly, difference of opinions shall be respected and most importantly agreement shall be made immediately on all points which everyone finds rational, this will create a bond of unity. Secondly with all the God gifted arable land and availability of natural resources Pakistan can become a self sufficient nation in earning from agriculture, alternative energies and manpower, this will define in real terms an upwards trend of economic improvement where concept of foreign aid maybe eliminated.

[Raz]

Have you written this essay from CSS point of view?

[Mohid Soomro]

yes, is it bad? what changes do i need to make

[Raz]

Originally Posted by Mohid Soomro

yes, is it bad? what changes do i need to make

Cut short sentences to the reasonable length and minimize redundancy from the essay. Avoid too much lengthy sentences. Cover some more facts to justify it otherwise 100 marks paper can't be justified with inadequate coverage.

Address these issues first and post your revised essay for review. I have scanned your essay from broader perspective. For minute screening and serious reading I need your revised essay free from aforementioned flaws.

[pureapak]

@ RAZ Bhai..

Dear brother.. I also want you to have a look at my outlines and kindly rate them as per your assessment...

I'll feel obliged brother...

here i go.........


What are the hurdles in our way to becoming a truly independent state

Introduction

Independence in its true sense becomes the basis of development in all the essential spheres of life.
Developed countries are truly independent states.
Take an Example of existing world powers.
-Pakistan is comparatively less developed because its true independence is hijacked by the following factors
Body
1. Incompetent Economy
- loans and foreign aids at heavy costs. (U.S,U.N) Global war on terror.
- Rivalry with India and extravagant defense expenses render economy inadequate.
- Inflation
- Unemployment
- Poverty
- Imbalanced social classification based on financial influence, feudalism, land lordship.
- Improper utilization of natural resources and men power. Deficient technology, unskilled technicians
- Faulty infrastructure (Reckless Roadways and public spots), slow tourist and trade activities.
2.Weak Institutes
-Government institutes fail to deliver on their respective duty charters. Declined Progress graph of PIA,FIA,NAB,AUDIT,WAPDA,SSGCL,CIVIL SERVICES(Police),EDUCATION and the like various other small institutes.
-confronts between Executive and judicial classes.
-Widely pervasive corruption engulfing nearly all the state departments.
-Trend of bribery regardless of fair play, conventional favoritism, nepotism and appointment of unqualified staff on this criteria.
3.Illiteracy
- About half of the population is illiterate
- Copy culture
- Awarding fake degrees.
- Unqualified faculty at educational institutes.
- Shortage of Schools and Colleges and inoperative ones used by Local influentials in rural areas.
- Insufficient facilities and modern equipments in govt. educational centers.
- Corrupt administration in charge of viable functioning of educational institutions (From EDO To Head MASTER) All the officials are involved in exploiting government fund utilities for the development of education sector in the country.
-Most of the female portion of the society is deprived of education due to unawareness and conservative ideas.
4. Dysfunctional Political Structure
-Political Parties are founded on dynastic principles. A Few selected individuals are privileged to govern.
- politics for the sake of individual benefit not for that of state at large. Corrupt politicians and nro.
culture of “LOTA –IIFAFA” money factor in the interchange of parties by politicians>deaf ear to their national responsibilities.
- Fake degree holder parliamentarians and ministers.
- Trammeling Martial laws in the past.
5. Foreign interference in national policymaking and injured sovereignty of the state.
- Widely held belief of American dominance on national policy making>trust deficit between population and government.
- lose control over international boundaries>influx of refugees and foreign agents continues.
- unauthorized aerial attacks by us drone technology killing dozens of Pakistanis on regular basis.
-credulous subscription to diplomatic campaigns of foreign countries GWOT,SEATO.
-Alliance with America coasted far heavier than it would have in case of Russia during cold War Era.
6. Terrorism
-faulty foreign policy, political injustice, illiteracy and religious extremism collectively hand in hand produced the menace of terrorism that swept across Pakistan more than any other stake holder.
Handing over air bases to American forces in course of post 9/11 episodes enraged Pakistani public to a huge extent.
-Massacres committed by military operations in the tribal areas were initiated by US sponsorship and is continuously exacting heavy life tolls in these areas. This sets base for launching suicide bombers by the international actors who brain wash the local youngsters who in order to avenge the blood of their dear ones become ready to wreck the havoc on Pak defense forces and huge portion of the innocent population in Pakistan.
-Diplomatic conspiracies>unrest in Baluchistan is allegedly a master piece of us-india intrigue.
- Blockade of foreign investment due to terrorism
-Political Assassinations.

Conclusion
Pakistan is in the face of these fatal challenges which are indeed killing the traits of its true independence and taming them requires a good deal of serious commitment. Her efforts to reach the status of truly independent state are on slow pace which do not guarantee immediate results.
A community with a definite territory and a government establishment can not claim to be the independent state unless it displays its independence in true sense. Pakistan thus needs to put her on straight line by combating the certain hurdles on her way to becoming a truly independent state.




Truth is a rare commodity despite the freedom by print and electronic media

Introduction.
The people have right to know what their administration is doing for them and what activities occur all around in their state. Realization of this right led to the freedom of media. Media was freed from official regulations on this doctrine but despite the maximum freedom granted, media falls short of discharging on its fundamental purpose of presenting the truthful news , reports and stories.
body
IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR BY MEDIA AFFECTING ITS TRUE PERFORMANCE.
1. Race for commercial ends and not for national service.
a. Mushrooming of Pvt. Newspapers and T.v news channels has set into motion a commercial competition among them
b. Exaggerated reporting on the unnecessary issues for the extravagant publicity.
c. Reporters at local as well as national level sale their loyalities to the corrupt officials and guilty people for not revealing the truth of their crimes or for exaggerating their duty performance to state.
d. Discredit the innocent and the honest public servants if they refuse offering such reporters their illegal dues.
2. Partial attitude.
a. Only focus on the excessive criticism of the government and falsifying the truth of its successful services to the people.
b. Presenting the ministers and even the head of state in forms of cartoons and telecasting comic shows in order to insinuate them.
c. Govt is discouraged by this partial and irresponsible attitude of media and its performance is thus influenced. (in order to avoid such criticism govt restructures its otherwise viable policies)
3. Vague attempts for gaining popularity regardless of their serious spillover.
a. Organizing wrestling table talks among state politicians exacerbating already pervasive fraction among political parties.
b. National issues worthy of intensive attention are sidelined while the spectacular political tussles gain prime notice of media
c. Irrelevant political unrest emerges that obstructs state in delivery for national development and progress.
4. free hand coverage of certain incidents and state policies helps anti state actors in formulating effective designs.
>Due to unbridled media coverage of even trivial issues Enemy gets an idea of interior weak points and attempts exploiting them for rather big crisis at national level.

5. Leakage of sensitive state affairs and spots throwing states in new diplomatic wars while creating trust deficit among them.
a. Wikileaks , Not fully true cables.
b. Refusal of accused people to wikileaks.
c. Widening of misgivings among the countries in the wake of these leaks.
6. poor reporting of the one channel disclosed by the other
 contemporary tussle between GEO TV and CABLE OPERATORS.

Conclusion

Media retains an extremely vibrant potential to influence the state affairs. Its responsible execution may bring to the state an era of good governance, justice, transparency and thus over all prosperity. At the same time its irresponsible work projects the state in complications there by impeding its ways to successful functioning.

[Raz]

Purepak:
Should I comment on it tomorrow?

By the way, in the very first sight, introduction seems weak.

"Independence in its true sense becomes the basis of development in all the essential spheres of life.
Developed countries are truly independent states."

[Mohid Soomro]

thank you Ada, will post it at earliest.

[pureapak]

@RAZ

Bhaijan I'll wait for your comment.....

Tnx bro