Intro paragraph of my essay,comment pls
 

Obesity is the root cause of all diseases

modern technology has rendered great service to mankind.almost anything can be made available to man by just pressing a few button.but this blessing also has a negative effect on the health and well being of people,that is, obesity.with the passage of time everything has become automated , from industrial machinery to kitchen appliances .the lifestyle of modern day man is increasingly becoming sedentary which has made him obese.he has become a victim of a plethora of diseases.hypertension and muscular pain are commonly found in all age groups.however, through regular exercise and healthy diet this problem can be controlled.

[QUOTE=7ali;803369]Obesity is the root cause of all diseases

modern technology has rendered great service to mankind.almost anything can be made available to man by just pressing a few button.but this blessing also has a negative effect on the health and well being of people,that is, obesity.with the passage of time everything has become automated , from industrial machinery to kitchen appliances .the lifestyle of modern day man is increasingly becoming sedentary which has made him obese.he has become a victim of a plethora of diseases.hypertension and muscular pain are commonly found in all age groups.however, through regular exercise and healthy diet this problem can be controlled.[/QUOTE]
While writing an essay please be careful in terms of punctuation etc; keeping that aside; your introductory paragraph is a very good effort. However, one thing that I would like to point out is the fact you have also given a conclusion in your introduction by saying the quoted text below:-
"however, through regular exercise and healthy diet this problem can be controlled."

The purpose of an introduction is to open the essay for the reader and lightly explain what the essay embodies all the while ensuring that there is enough mystery in the introduction for the reader to actually read your 2000 - 3000 word essay.

I hope this helped.

Thank you for your analysis.can you point out my punctuation mistakes pls ?

[QUOTE=7ali;803733]Thank you for your analysis.can you point out my punctuation mistakes pls ?[/QUOTE]
[COLOR="Red"]M[/COLOR]odern technology has rendered [COLOR="red"]a[/COLOR] great service to mankind. [COLOR="red"]A[/COLOR]lmost anything can be made available to man [COLOR="red"]at the touch of a button[/COLOR]. [COLOR="red"]However,[/COLOR] this blessing has a negative effect on the health and well being of people [COLOR="red"]in the form of[/COLOR] obesity. [COLOR="red"]W[/COLOR]ith the passage of time everything [COLOR="red"]from industrial machinery to kitchen appliances[/COLOR] has become automated. [COLOR="red"]T[/COLOR]he lifestyle of [COLOR="red"]a[/COLOR] modern day man [COLOR="red"]has become[/COLOR] sedentary [COLOR="red"]resulting in obesity[/COLOR]. [COLOR="red"]M[/COLOR]an has become a victim of a plethora of diseases [COLOR="red"]all due to sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy meal choices.[/COLOR]

Please find changes as deemed appropriate highlighted in red.