Intro paragraph of my essay,comment pls

7ali · #1 Thursday, February 12, 2015

Obesity is the root cause of all diseases

modern technology has rendered great service to mankind.almost anything can be made available to man by just pressing a few button.but this blessing also has a negative effect on the health and well being of people,that is, obesity.with the passage of time everything has become automated , from industrial machinery to kitchen appliances .the lifestyle of modern day man is increasingly becoming sedentary which has made him obese.he has become a victim of a plethora of diseases.hypertension and muscular pain are commonly found in all age groups.however, through regular exercise and healthy diet this problem can be controlled.

QudsiaPK · #2 Thursday, February 12, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7ali

Obesity is the root cause of all diseases

modern technology has rendered great service to mankind.almost anything can be made available to man by just pressing a few button.but this blessing also has a negative effect on the health and well being of people,that is, obesity.with the passage of time everything has become automated , from industrial machinery to kitchen appliances .the lifestyle of modern day man is increasingly becoming sedentary which has made him obese.he has become a victim of a plethora of diseases.hypertension and muscular pain are commonly found in all age groups.however, through regular exercise and healthy diet this problem can be controlled.

While writing an essay please be careful in terms of punctuation etc; keeping that aside; your introductory paragraph is a very good effort. However, one thing that I would like to point out is the fact you have also given a conclusion in your introduction by saying the quoted text below:-
"however, through regular exercise and healthy diet this problem can be controlled."

The purpose of an introduction is to open the essay for the reader and lightly explain what the essay embodies all the while ensuring that there is enough mystery in the introduction for the reader to actually read your 2000 - 3000 word essay.

I hope this helped.

7ali · #3 Friday, February 13, 2015

Thank you for your analysis.can you point out my punctuation mistakes pls ?

QudsiaPK · #4 Friday, February 13, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by 7ali

Thank you for your analysis.can you point out my punctuation mistakes pls ?

Modern technology has rendered a great service to mankind. Almost anything can be made available to man at the touch of a button. However, this blessing has a negative effect on the health and well being of people in the form of obesity. With the passage of time everything from industrial machinery to kitchen appliances has become automated. The lifestyle of a modern day man has become sedentary resulting in obesity. Man has become a victim of a plethora of diseases all due to sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy meal choices.

Please find changes as deemed appropriate highlighted in red.

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